Several months before I went to Zimbabwe, I started praying daily that God would use my life for his purpose. For something, anything to happen to me that didn’t end in heartache.
The Sunday before I heard from World Vision, Sam and I were at church. We hadn’t gone in a while and of course the Sunday we decided to was missionary day. So I sat and listened to couple after couple talk about their lives in the mission field, giving it all up for Christ and changing their world.
It was August. Our second adoption had fallen through with over 2k paid out in living expenses we’d never see again. Things were not good, our money strained, Kaden’s first birthday had passed, the one year of his death was coming up…
I sat there, so envious and confused. My heart just ached to do what they were doing. I was so angry at God that I bowed my head slightly and let my thoughts roll as we all prayed:
Not everyone has the desire to adopt. Not everyone wants to go to a foreign country and serve. I’m not asking for fame or fortune but it would be really, really great if something that you’ve placed on my heart since I was a little girl actually worked out for me. Why bother making me with all these passions if you won’t do anything? You take adoption away, you take my babies away, my life is such a mess. What are you doing? DO SOMETHING.
And then we all stood up and filed out.
That following Friday evening I sat down to check my email after Bella was in bed and saw a message from World Vision. I wrote about it in detail here, but in short – one of their staff had put together a team headed to Zimbabwe in a few months for a Vision Trip and after reading my story, wondered if I might want to go too? We would be learning about infant and maternal health there.
I cried so hard I could barely tell Sam what had just happened.
After that, things didn’t go smooth. My passport had just expired and WV needed it in 3 weeks to get me into their system. Sam couldn’t take the nearly 2 weeks off work I’d need to go, and my mom wasn’t sure if she’d be able to come out. I tossed around the idea of going to them with Bella, but knew that jet lag would KILL me on the way back – trying to fly or drive home from Colorado to Texas after. (So glad I didn’t try to do that.)
I couldn’t find a doctor to give me the right vaccinations, I couldn’t remember what I’d already had when I went to India – the list went on and on. Several times I thought, “Maybe I just shouldn’t go, because if I should – wouldn’t this be smoother?”