When You’re Praying for the Miracle You Didn’t Get

I don’t know if I believe in miracles anymore. I really don’t. I did even after Preston and Julian died. It was tremedously awful but scientifically, it made sense. I was a high risk pregnancy. Bella was born on the cusp of preterm.

But Kaden. Kaden changed everything for me. I prayed. You prayed. So many people prayed and cried and pleaded with God.

Not again.

Not their family.

Not this baby.

I believed until the day I got the call to pick up his ashes that we would get a miracle. Somehow, God would make this right. He wouldn’t let me go through all that pain and a pregnancy full of trauma, anxiety, and tears just to lose my rainbow baby.

Yet He did.

So I have a hard time with miracles.

Yet even in my doubt and anger, I still find my heart crying out to God for them.

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Change Lives Around the World and at Home This #GivingTuesday

Did you know that 1 in 3 American women –  42 million women, plus 28 million children – either live in poverty or are right on the brink of it?

I had no idea. That percentage shocked me – because I don’t think many of us know that about our own country.

Today is Giving Tuesday. It means that in the season of deals, buying, and sales – we take this day to give back to others who have not been afforded the same kind of holiday.

This year, World Vision and Thirty-One Gifts have teamed up to not only give back to families around the world, but to women struggling right here in the US with poverty. The first 3,100 donations made by phone (1-888-511-6588) or online to World Vision will mean that Thirty-One Gifts – a direct-selling company focused on personalized totes, purses, home organization solutions and more – will donate a Hope Kit tote filled with hygiene supplies to a woman or girl in need in the U.S.

Thirty-One Hope Kit(2)

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Jump Start the Holidays with Kiwi Crate {& Discount Code!}

This post contains affiliate links.

 

I’m starting to think about Christmas gifts. I mean – I adore Thanksgiving. I want to enjoy it before we do Christmas stuff.

Although two years ago we put up our tree November 1st with the thought of “Christmas for 2 months YAY!” but by December 15th I was ready to light that sucker on fire and throw it out in the yard.

SO.MANY.NEEDLES.

Anyway.

This week is a fun one because all the sales start. I’m usually the person who thinks, “I’ve got tons of time to buy gifts.” Then one day I realize that all of my stuff will have to make the 2 day shipping deadline on Amazon to get to everyone by Christmas. So this year I’m determined to get things here and wrapped and shipped before Dec. 22nd.

You all know we love Kiwi Crate. I’ve written posts for both here and Babble singing their praises over the past two and a half years. This holiday season they’ve got all kinds of fun stuff happening:

Use the code MERRYSUB for 60% off!

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Railing

This morning I decided to just unload on God.

There’s a part of me – probably the evangelical youth group girl – who feels a bit guilty doing this. Like, maybe I should just be thanking Him and praising and KLOVE’ing it up instead of telling Him that it feels like every gift given turns into a bandaid for the wound about to come.

There’s a song (that I really love) that always hits me because it says, “You’re the reason for – every good thing, every heartbeat, every day we get to breathe…”

And I always think – oh.

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The Hospital

She’s 17. In the miscarriage ward. Alone in the room full of beds with brightly colored sheets, none of them very clean. By American standards it would be a health hazard. She’s laying on the small, wire framed bed, a thin mattress holding her slight body. Barefoot and stunningly gorgeous as so many people are here. Curled up, she’s turned away from us as we gather around her bed – our own views and “rights” of privacy unknown in Zimbabwe. We’re touring this hospital to get an idea of what maternal health is like in Lupane.

This is a new facility, we’re told. One of the best. 

I can’t wrap my head around what others might be like in that case.

The nurse tells us her story while I think of all the HIPAA violations happening right now. There isn’t that level of confidentiality here – a land where the people are more group oriented in their actions than just individual ideals. Culture shock hits a little harder for me.

Zimbabwe with World Vision [Read more…]