First Day

I dropped Bella off at her first day at one of the on post childcare centers. We started out small – just two and a half hours because honestly – I don’t need a lot of care for her. A few hours for work, and several for therapy.

More than anything, I want this to be for her. I truly thought at her age we’d have 2 or 3 more kids running around, and it never crossed my mind that she’d be alone at almost 5. And yet, this is where we are. So I have to adjust my thinking for both of us, and by the look on her face this morning she’s liking it.

Bella First Day

I mean. Really. She’s just my whole heart. (Her dress and shoes are Tea Collection, book bag is by the über talented Mommy Moxie.)

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Little Changes

Lately I’ve been in a real funk. Besides all the horrible anniversaries next month, there has also been massive guilt about Bella. To put it bluntly – she’s been really hard to deal with lately. On top of that, I’ve been hard to deal with too, and Sam’s been working either the longest days or gone for a week at a time. We’ve all been stressed out and on edge.

Yesterday I was at my wits end. I just could not figure out whether I should continue with my desire to homeschool Bella, or if I was being selfish and it would be better if she was in a school this year.

On top of that, with our friends having moved, we don’t know any families with kids here, and it’s so hot out that meeting people at a park or something is out of the question.

I laid on my bed yesterday and bawled. I felt like on top of everything else, I’d pretty much failed as a mom this past year. I didn’t want to keep Bella away from peers, but with our story it was like facing a shooting squad to “join a mom’s group!” or “go to a Bible study!”

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What Hurts

You know what really hurts lately?

I mean, besides seeing everyone celebrate their kid’s first birthday?

The women who lose babies and make it beautiful and earthy and oh so magical.

Seriously.

I know everyone grieves differently, so I’m not here to judge how anyone does this process. But – in the same breath – these feelings and emotions are part of my process as well. So both are valid.

Just right now, their process really hurts me.

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We’re Learning to Sew. Maybe just Sam is.

This post contains affiliate links about products I use and companies I love.

Craftsy

The other day, Sam asked me if I could sew his uniform patches on instead of having to take them somewhere, and pay, to have them done. I told him I might be able to – if we had a sewing machine and I learned how to use it.

I’d taken a sewing class in high school, but I mean. That was years ago and I haven’t done anything but (very poorly) hand sew somethings since then.

We went out and bought a cheap little Brother one that had off the chart ratings on Amazon. Nothing special – just the basics. As soon as we came home, I searched for an online sewing class to help me learn the machine. I found a free, short class on Craftsy, and that night sat down to put what I’d learned into use.

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Sam and I somehow had the thread on the bobbin going the wrong way, and I pulled up the class to check how to do it. He started laughing and told me earlier that day he’d watched the same one.

I have to admit – in the few weeks we’ve had the machine – he’s used it more than I have. He’s able to sew all of his patches on and fix things while I’m slowly plodding away with help from more beginning classes like Learn to Sew.

Once I started looking around on the Craftsy site, I ended up taking a photography course on The Essentials for Understanding Light and drooling over one about capturing life differently.

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A Day Out

This afternoon Bella and I went to the El Paso Exploreum. It’s like a Children’s Museum – most of it is based around science and hands on activities. We’ve been several times with friends, but today it was just her and I.

Bella at El Paso Exploreum

I’ve been taking her since it opened last January, and it’s fun (and wistful) to look back through the times we’ve gone and see how much she’s changed since then. She’s getting so darn tall and kid looking. The baby-ness has all but disappeared.
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