Not Consumed

Today I’m at home, it’s raining out and I’m writing in our school room, Charlie at my side. Bella is at her hourly care class so I had time to work and finish up some papers for school.

I’m really trying not to let myself be consumed by this pregnancy. Looking back on Kaden’s (and the twins) I see how the fear and panic of it all just ate away at me. Months and months on end.

I can’t do that this time.

That might seem a little strange from someone who has experienced 3 losses and 3 high risk pregnancies (and is no longer on Zoloft), but it’s the truth.

Look at what happened. I spent all.that.time in fear, almost paralyzed by it at some points. Desperate for a different outcome. I did everything and then some.

And he still died.

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The Unexpected

I thought I was coming down with the flu all of last week.

I’d been so busy that it never occurred to me not actually getting the flu wasn’t normal. Until Thursday night when I thought, “Just to be sure this is the flu…”

Turns out it wasn’t. Oh Baby

We are very unexpectedly expecting a baby.

And I’m terrified.

We’re freaked out, scared, shocked, nervous, and even excited. Yeah, there’s no way not to be excited. This is a little life we created, and we plan on loving it just as much as Bella, Preston, Julian and Kaden – no matter what God has ordained for it from here.

But oh – my heart. I don’t know if I can take another loss again.

I’m not going to get in to how it happened, or why didn’t we do/not do – it doesn’t matter. We were certainly not trying and yet there is a baby – so we move forward from here.

I’m around 6 weeks, I saw my OB today who actually transferred me to the high risk OB at a larger hospital. There are a lot of risks with this, but not one of them is a definite risk. My last three pregnancies have been so different that there’s no pinpointing factor – not even ciHHV-6 is a certainty in Kaden’s death. We simply don’t know. I actually tapered off my Zoloft a few weeks ago, and am no longer able to take Zofran due to both the safety concerns of it and the fact that it could trigger an HHV-6 activation.

Which is slightly terrifying when you’ve had Hyperemesis Gravidarum all three past pregnancies.

I’ll meet with my new doctor in a week or so, and I’ve contacted the ones in Dallas that helped us with Kaden, as well as the HHV-6 foundation. We’re going to give this little one the best shot we can, and leave the rest in God’s hands. While I’d love to think of this as something unplanned and therefore bound to end happily – I’ve known from my own experience and others that isn’t always the case.

If you’d like to pray for something specifically (and I would love that), please pray:

  • For minimal sickness and hip pain
  • For wisdom and compassion for our medical team
  • For our anxiety as this pregnancy progresses
  • For Bella’s excited and nervous little heart
  • And for our ability to place this baby in God’s hands – knowing that He has already planned the days of its life

I don’t know what else to pray for, because the feelings of desperation are so heavy in me right now. I just really want a different ending this time. And there are no guarantees – except that God walks with us through whatever is planned.

Walk with us to a different ending this time Lord – please. Hear our prayers for this little one that you’ve given us.

All The Things & Then Some

I think that most days I waver between, “This is so incredible” and “How the heck am I going to do all of this?”

Yes, this is all very exciting. Yes, it feels a bit surreal to tell people – how do you explain to someone (like my hairstylist today) what really is new?

“Well, so I blog, and I went back to school to be a grief and loss counselor – after going to Zimbabwe with World Vision – and I just signed with a literary agent to write a book.”

The questions that come from this are hard to answer in a short amount of time without any background. Where do I begin? How do I field questions like, “Why did you go to Zimbabwe? How do you get paid to write? What’s the book going to be about?”

Or my favorite, “My cousin LOVES to write and he doesn’t have a job, I’ve been telling him ‘Start a blog!’ so I should give him your email…”

;)

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Capture a Moment with OneDay

 This post was sponsored by the OneDay app, but all opinions (and super cute video below) are my own. 

OneDay App

The other day I told Sam, “Isn’t it cute how Bella says Pterodactyl? (She pronounces the ‘P’). Let’s never correct her.”

We have these little memories of her saying things wrong since she started talking. One or two random words she mis-hears, that she then says that way for a while until suddenly it’s gone. She called fans “sa’s” forever, cats were “tikkies”, school buses were buses and actual buses were “schools” (that was the best).

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For I Know the Plans I Have For You…

What a few months it’s been. Truly. Zimbabwe. School. Writing for places I’ve always loved.

Writing a book.

Oh wait. Did I tell you all? :)

I’ve been signed to The Blythe Daniel Agency to write a book.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

I can’t believe it. I really can’t. The day I said I was going back to school, one of their (crazy talented) literary agents, Jessica, reached out to me about writing a book.

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