Bitten

Monday we headed up to New Mexico with our Girl Scout troop to pick apples at an orchard. Sam and I have passed this particular one many times on the way to the corn maze and pumpkin patch, but we never knew we could stop there. We pulled up to a small, ranch style home surrounded by huge trees and green fields – something we don’t see much of in El Paso. It was just gorgeous.

Apple Picking 2

After waiting a few minutes for the rest of the troop to arrive, Bella and I got out and gathered our bags, spraying ourselves down with bug spray.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

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Come Away With Me

I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting to tell you all this.

And yesterday I finally received this in the mail, so now I can.

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#Blessed Weakness

#Blessed Weakness

I see the #blessed hashtag everywhere. If I’m really honest, it makes me incredibly angry most of the time. It’s used for (what I consider) trite, stupid things.

Is that my call to make? No. But that’s how it feels right now.

I’m using Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of Strength (afflink) with my  mom in our one on one Bible study. This week we talked about strength in our weakness, specifically God’s strength.

Lately I feel very on edge about doing things the right way. We’ve had some really bad weeks, with more to come as a consequence of them, and my inner control freak kicks in at these moments to keep everything I can in line.

  • Clean the house.
  • Vacuum like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Organize.
  • Schedule.
  • Plan.
  • Then fall apart.

The other night I sat on the couch and sobbed to Sam about what a disaster our life is. Again. And really – it is. I wish I could be more specific (it’s preventing me from writing more on here because I have so many “can’t be told’s”) but we are waiting to see the outcome of some of this before I make it public.

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A Week of Ours

Sam is gone for the day, a shift at work. The Sunday’s he has these are hard because there simply isn’t much to do here. Bella and I are thinking of going to the zoo this afternoon to break up part of the day.

These past two weeks have been busy. Soccer started, Bella’s first game was Thursday. I seriously could not handle how cute that was – tiny ones running and sobbing about having the ball taken away from them.

soccer

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Impatient Outsider

I’m sitting here with a hot cup of coffee (cream only, hotter the better) thinking about how it’s been a week since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure why.

I feel left out of everything lately. Life in general. I’m the oddball out almost everywhere I go. I enrolled Bella in gymnastics last month, and two moms with babies sat and chatted about breastfeeding/formula/clothes/nights/etc the whole time. It was so hard to hear, then on top of it little baby whimpers that sent me straight back to Children’s with Kaden. I had to get up and leave the room a few times (Bella was in another room completely).

The last day of it, I chose to sit a little ways away from them and could hear them whisper softly about how I thought I was better than them or something. It hurt so much. I wanted to unload my story on them both, watch their faces as they struggled to find something to say to me then. But I didn’t. I ignored them and their living babies and took Bella home at the end.

We start Girl Scouts next week. I was talking with the lead mom yesterday about it by phone, and she said, “The parents all stick around during the meetings, they’ve become such good friends.”

Great, was all I could think. I wonder when I’ll have to explain why I can’t hold their baby without crying while they dash to the restroom or that Bella isn’t my only child.

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