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Come Away With Me

I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting to tell you all this.

And yesterday I finally received this in the mail, so now I can.

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#Blessed Weakness

#Blessed Weakness

I see the #blessed hashtag everywhere. If I’m really honest, it makes me incredibly angry most of the time. It’s used for (what I consider) trite, stupid things.

Is that my call to make? No. But that’s how it feels right now.

I’m using Cynthia Heald’s Becoming a Woman of StrengthΒ (afflink)Β with my Β mom in our one on one Bible study. This week we talked about strength in our weakness, specifically God’s strength.

Lately I feel very on edge about doing things the right way. We’ve had some really bad weeks, with more to come as a consequence of them, and my inner control freak kicks in at these moments to keep everything I can in line.

  • Clean the house.
  • Vacuum like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Organize.
  • Schedule.
  • Plan.
  • Then fall apart.

The other night I sat on the couch and sobbed to Sam about what a disaster our life is. Again. And really – it is. I wish I could be more specific (it’s preventing me from writing more on here because I have so many “can’t be told’s”) but we are waiting to see the outcome of some of this before I make it public.

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A Week of Ours

Sam is gone for the day, a shift at work. The Sunday’s he has these are hard because there simply isn’t much to do here. Bella and I are thinking of going to the zoo this afternoon to break up part of the day.

These past two weeks have been busy. Soccer started, Bella’s first game was Thursday. I seriously could not handle how cute that was – tiny ones running and sobbing about having the ball taken away from them.

soccer

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Impatient Outsider

I’m sitting here with a hot cup of coffee (cream only, hotter the better) thinking about how it’s been a week since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure why.

I feel left out of everything lately. Life in general. I’m the oddball out almost everywhere I go. I enrolled Bella in gymnastics last month, and two moms with babies sat and chatted about breastfeeding/formula/clothes/nights/etc the whole time. It was so hard to hear, then on top of it little baby whimpers that sent me straight back to Children’s with Kaden. I had to get up and leave the room a few times (Bella was in another room completely).

The last day of it, I chose to sit a little ways away from them and could hear them whisper softly about how I thought I was better than them or something. It hurt so much. I wanted to unload my story on them both, watch their faces as they struggled to find something to say to me then. But I didn’t. I ignored them and their living babies and took Bella home at the end.

We start Girl Scouts next week. I was talking with the lead mom yesterday about it by phone, and she said, “The parents all stick around during the meetings, they’ve become such good friends.”

Great, was all I could think. I wonder when I’ll have to explain why I can’t hold their baby without crying while they dash to the restroom or that Bella isn’t my only child.

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What Can We Do? In Kaden’s Memory -

I’ve had people ask this past year what they can do for us with all of this. Truly – there isn’t anything we need besides the prayer, love, and check-in’s you guys are so wonderful about giving.

Yet today, I feel this tug to ask for something on Kaden’s angelversary. Not for us. But in memory of Kaden and what his diagnosis meant to the researchers and advocates for this ciHHV-6 virus.

If you feel led to do something in his memory or in the name of science or for any reason at all – please give to the HHV-6 Foundation. Your donations are tax deductible. The Foundation is a public non-profit organization. They take PayPal. This is where we donated the money raised by you all through Brickyard Buffalo last year.

CIHHV-6

None of this money goes to us, we’ll never know who gave what. There isn’t specific case for him so it will be put where money is needed the most; directly to the research here and across the world (Japan and Germany currently).

Here are just a few of the needs for this foundation:

  • Establishment of a registry for CIHHV-6 individuals: $25,000
  • Study of the disease associations of ciHHV-6: $10,000

Plus:

  • More kits sent to people – with no expense to the patient.
  • More information given to doctors who aren’t even aware this is an issue.
  • More children being diagnosed faster with a better chance of survival.

$5 would pay shipping on a kit. So please don’t think any donation is too small. If you can’t give, perhaps you’ll consider sharing this with your FB/Twitter/whatever you use. :)

That’s all I can think of that I truly want or need on this day. Just a little reminder to the rest of the world seeing his names on forms and papers as they test and diagnose that he isΒ loved and remembered.

Thank you all for the love that you’ve showered on us these past two years.

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Find out more about ciHHV-6 and donating.

{And (for my own selfish reasons) if you wanted to send me an email saying you donated, I wouldn’t hate that. ;) In fact it would make my day.}