We Have This Hope

Screenshot 2014-10-20 13.19.43 Last week I was hired to write for mom.me. I’m really, really excited to be a part of their group; they have some of my very favorite people with them.

I’ll be writing with their Parenting section, similar to what I write with Babble but with more of an edge for snark/humor at times. So while I try to avoid anything super confrontational on here, it may be that you read my writing there and get a bit bristly at times. That’s ok! We can still love each other with prickles. ;) It’s simply a different direction to my writing and voice, and it helps me to branch out.

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Preparation

In 2 1/2 weeks I’ll be arriving in Zimbabwe, after staying the night in Dubai. The thought of this blows my mind on a daily basis.

I’ve started to get things ready – freezing meals for my mom, Sam, and Bella, buying adaptors, looking up all things Zimbabwe. I have my passport and am waiting on my visa. World Vision secured our plane tickets last week. We have a team “meeting” to get to know each other more. Yesterday I got my immunizations for the trip.

Zimbabwe - World Vision

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Numb

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Before October 2012, I’d never heard about it – or if I did I didn’t care much. It wasn’t a day I wanted to acknowledge because it had to do with being sad and dead babies and – just no.

Here I am now.

The first year I was angry. Angry that I even had to be a part of this day at all. I wanted my babies back, I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to send off balloons or light a candle, I wanted two cribs, carseats, and to be exhausted.

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Different

Bella Bella woke up this morning with a fever and telling me, “I need to throw up…”

So right now she’s on the couch next to me, sleeping and buried in the covers, as I write. Her little hands are cupping her own face, I can’t think of anything cuter.

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Pondering Fulfillment

Life is a funny thing. I often wonder if anyone ever feels the way I do about it – that this isn’t at all what I expected it to be. Not all bad – just so different. Will it all come together at some point in an “AHA!” moment? Will I ever see the purpose behind this pain – enough of a purpose that I can use it to propel forward? Or will it just be a series of little moments that never really string together? I think of all the things I’d love to do…

I want to write a book. I’ve wanted to on and off for a while, but these past few months – well, probably since Kaden died – I’ve felt this urge to write one.

I know what it’ll be about.

I know the title.

I have the chapters in my head.

I’ve read about traditional publishing and self publishing and even contacted a company that helps self publish.

Then I sit down and become paralyzed by writing a whole book. (And yes, even breaking it into chapters is still overwhelming because it’s chapters of a whole book lol.) I over think it – where do I begin? Do I plan out the book in those idea bubbles? Research? Just start writing?

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