The reason why.

April 14, 2010
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We’re moving. And the thought of it, the actual process of leaving, makes me really, really sad. We’ve looked at all the options we can to stay here. The new Loan Modification program? They want to know your “gross” income. Um, why don’t they take into account that we have almost $1,200 come out each month of that in taxes and health insurance? So based on that gross income number, we qualify for a 1% decrease in our house payment. Thanks government. I’ll use that $50 to spend on a bag of seriously overpriced groceries here.

There are 11 jobs in our paper. 11. Two of which start with 1-800. None of which I am qualified to do. A part time receptionist job here got 175 applications the first day in the paper.

I’m devastated to leave my house behind. Even as I write this I’m crying. This is our first home, we picked out the plot of land, watched it being built, chose the colors inside, we moved across the country in absolute delight of living here. We brought Bella home here, I spent hours decorating her nursery, Sam has spent his summers working on our front and backyard to make it a real home. We are both going to have a hard time leaving. Right now we just don’t talk about it. This isn’t how I wanted this little home of ours to end. I didn’t want to short sale it, to ask a bank to step in and forgive thousands of dollars we simply can’t pay and can’t have anyone else pay either. It’s a shame that we are leaving it like this. It deserves better.

We are moving to the city, where I can find a job, perhaps even make enough for my husband to do what he wants and train to become a police officer while I work. He’s supported me many times over the years. I know I can easily find a good paying job where we are moving; as a nanny, as a governess, even in my home. Honestly, there is a part of me that is excited about that. I don’t want to put Bella in daycare, and this allows me to keep her with me. Or with Sam on his days off.

There are some people who seem to think we are moving to the city so that I can remain “high on the hog.” Because I am so spoiled rotten, such a brat, that I simply badger my husband to death until he caves and we do what I want to do. I know this, and I am tired of being looked at as a demanding princess that refuses to live anywhere but where I feel I can continue my lifestyle of imagined luxury. 2 bed, 2 bath, one car, massive student loans, and a dwindling bank account – in a small town. I’m not living high on the hog, in fact, most days I feel like we barely have hold of the hog’s tail. We are hard workers, and I resent the fact of anyone thinking I make my husband cater to my every need. Just because I like nice things doesn’t make me a horrible person, it gives me something to strive for. A goal. Something I would like Bella to have one day. Even if we can’t provide it, it’s there as a reminder.

So if you think us moving is due to my bulllying – you are sadly mistaken. Sam and I are a team. This decision was made by hours of talking, fighting, and planning. We both got to argue our sides. I married a strong man, if he didn’t want to move to where we are – we wouldn’t be. I already know that about him. When we do things like this, we stand together. I would never, ever force him to make a life change like this without knowing his heart was in it. Nor could I force him.

We’re taking a leap of faith – just like we did when we decided to have Bella. I’m not going to get all preachy on here because that’s not my style, but I will say that I have absolute trust that God will let us know if this is the right decision. Either a door will open, or very firmly close, so that we know what we are doing is right. This is going to be a step down for us, a kind of starting over. I’m ok with that. I’ve done that many times. We’ve been so tight on money before that I’ve taken a second job. Sam would in a heartbeat.

We’re not out to prove anything, or to move to a giant house on a hill where I can lay on the couch and order a maid around all day while I watch TV and shove bon bons into my face. We’re moving so that I can go back to work, be a contributer to our household, and to make sure that we stay afloat and get back on track. We chose the city we thought we best meet our needs for this. Together, we will do it.

That’s all I wanted to say.

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