The way things are.
I thought since this past month has been a little off the wall with PPD, marriage counseling, and reflux diagnosing, I’d catch you all up on how everything stands.
PPD – Better. I get the, “OMG I can’t leave her on the playmat and do anything because she’ll be alone and miss me and I’ll be a bad mom for not wanting to be with her…” and I stop myself and try to rationalize it. Will she really miss me? Does she have toys? Can I supervise her safety from where I am? Have I played or will play with her in just a little while? I try to move on after that and stop thinking about it.
When I think about moving and leaving her with someone else, even Sam, I feel so guilty and wonder if I’ll be able to do it. Then I remind myself I get used to lots of situations I’m not thrilled about and that I’ll make the best choice in daycare that I can. We’re hoping to only have her go 2 days a week, which really helps with how I feel. Also, I’m getting out more. We’ve been all over lately, and although I’m fried, it’s helping Bella get used to other people and situations, and for me to interact outside of Sam and her. For the nighttime dread of her crying, see the reflux part of this post.
I’m not going to “snap out of it” but I don’t let it control my days as much. At times I don’t even know I’m doing the guilt thing until later on. I try not to feel guilty about that… lol – it’s like a dysfunctional circle.
Marriage – I’m not going to get too much into this. It’s a work in progress, like any marriage. But we have fun, we love each other, and the things we learn by going help us in our daily lives. After 7 years we just fall into the path of arguing over and over the same way, and counseling teaches us to see things from a different perspective.
Oh, I did read Sam the Fakin’ It post finally. After, he just looked at me and said, “You blog about your life, right? I’m part of that. So I think what you did is fine. I’m not upset or anything. It was honest.” <3 He truly is such a wonderful man.
Reflux – I HEART PREVACID. 2 days after starting on it, Bella began sleeping 6 hours at a time at night. :::headexplosion::: (You knew that was coming) While she is still getting up, it’s no where as drastic as it was. So I really don’t dread the nighttime anymore, because I know she’s going to only get up once/twice. That has been a tremendous help to my worrying and guilt during the day.
Also, the barfing is down to like maybe, maybe once a day. Like one whole time. From about 120. I’m serious, the Dr. and I added it up and were like…. :/ oh my. It’s normal spit up now. I can throw away giant burp cloths, stop doing 3 loads of laundry a day, and wiping down my furniture with washcloths all the time. ::throws confetti::
However, I had coffee today for the first time in 6 months thinking, “She’s on Prevacid, it’ll be fine.” My friends, it was not fine. I felt really bad because she threw up quite a bit. After nursing a few hours later though, she was ok. So, no coffee for me. ::dies::
So that’s what’s been going on here. I plan on making rounds for commenting on McFatty Monday tomorrow, I wasn’t hosting since Blair is back (HOORAY!) but I like to keep up on everyone and it’s motivating so I’ll stop by. And all the rest of you that don’t do it but did comment on other stuff, I’m on my way.
I’d also like to give a shout out to Mandy at Harper’s Happenings and Tiffany at MomNom for being two of the most amazing, confident, got-your-back women I know. You ladies rock, and you are much appreciated from this end.