Anticipation is the worst part

August 9, 2010

You know how when something sad is headed your way and all you can do is think about how it will feel once it gets there? 24-7?

That’s me.

I wake up every day thinking, “Only X more days in this bed looking out this window at those mountains.” I cook and think, “Only a few more times using this stove.” I do laundry and think, “Pretty soon I won’t have my own little laundry room and someone else will have this washer and dryer…”

I sit at night and look out my living room windows thinking of all the memories we’ve made here.

I pull out of my driveway and tear up watching the garage door close, wondering how many more times I will see it do that.

Yeah. That last one is getting a little out of control.

For me, it’s like the dread and thought of saying goodbye for the last time to my home is nothing compared to the days leading up to it. The thoughts of doing it. I cry imagining myself crying as we leave.

I don’t know how to get past this – the unending “last times” or “16th to the last time”. It’s quite annoying really – I should be spending my days thinking of our new place and all the fun things we can do there.

Instead I’m dwelling on August 15th – the day we leave. August 14th – the day my house is empty. August 13th – the last day our house has furniture in it. August 12th – the day we pack almost everything up.

:/ I’m a mess.

The funny thing is (besides the fact that this post is actually making me giggle at what a disaster I am), is that once we are at our new place, I will be ok. I mean, I will miss my house, my family, my friends. But I got there last week and I was excited. I kept telling myself, “See, you like it here. Remember this feeling when you go home.”

If only I could hold on to that a little longer. I just want it to be over – and I feel guilty because I know once it is, I’ll want it back.

7 Comments

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    August 16, 2010 at 12:59 am

    […] Anticipation is the worst part | Hormonal Imbalances […]

  • Sara

    August 11, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Hey doll! I know I’m tardy to the party but I just wanted to chime in and let you know that this is SO how I do things too… like, we just started talking about doing stuff around the house to spruce it up for listing NEXT SPRING and I get all misty about leaving. For reals.

  • Janelle

    August 9, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    I wish you the best in these last few days. Moving is unbelievably, amazingly, stressful, and I will be thinking of you! We’re finally starting to take a deep breath out the other end, and we just moved a few blocks down the street – talk about pathetic. Hang in there, I’m hopeful that once you are settled you will love the new town/apartment and be in a better place mentally.

    (and if you wish to share, I wouldn’t mind the password…)

  • Annette Warner-Spinuzzi

    August 9, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Diana,

    I am sad to hear that you are making your posts private…I have so enjoyed reading them and getting to know you in a different way…I will miss reading them…and learning about all the neat things my family is doing.

    Just remember change is always scary but at the same time it is just what needs to be done in order to thrive….I love all of you with all my heart….God bless….and I am hardly waiting to see all of you and your new place…will be in touch soon….Love you Mom

  • Stephanie @ Confessions of a Trophy Wife

    August 9, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Awww, it will be okay! You still have everything that matters regardless of where you are living, but I can completely understand why you are feeling the way you are!

  • Jess@Straight Talk

    August 9, 2010 at 7:57 am

    You WILL be ok. Remember? Home is where the heart is, and all that mess? It’s true. I completely understand. I’ve said goodbye to my home. I know how you feel. But yall will be great. I promise.

  • Lisa

    August 9, 2010 at 7:41 am

    New adventures are always scary, but you should think of your moving as just that a new adventure! And probably one day you’ll leave the new place and be sad, but you can be happy at the same time ’cause all it means is another adventure with the people you love 🙂
    (apologies in advance if that sounded way too hokey, but I meant it! 🙂 )

    Lisa

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