When I was little, I wanted to be a famous ice skater. In so many ways, this was not possible. Mainly because at the time I may have skated once in my entire life. I was convinced once I hit the ice I would be amazing.
No. The only amazing part was the fact I still have ankles.
I also wanted to be an actress – which was odd since I hated getting up in front of people. I could have had everyone just close their eyes while I was on stage.
I always wanted to be a mom. And now I am, and I love it.
However, being a mom in the sense of what we are right now is short term. Children go to school, they leave home, they get married. Sam and I agreed we are raising our children to have their own lives, not to be attached to ours indefinitely.
What do I want to accomplish during this time so my life wasn’t completely revolved around my child? I love being a mom, but I have a strong sense of that’s not what I “am” as an individual. The last thing I want is to watch my last child leave and think, “My whole sense of self just walked out that door.” In my opinion, that isn’t healthy for my marriage, my children, or me.
So now I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life.
I’m really not sure. I know I want to be a great wife, mom, and friend. I want to be a stronger Christian, and to have a clearer understanding of what that really means. I want to be the kind of person that people think, “I’ll never forget her.”
Other than that, I’m kinda at a loss these days. I love my life – these past few weeks have brought about changes that have turned our life completely around for the better. (To be written about later.) But I do have moments where I think, “Now what?”
When my kids aren’t around, who am I? What do I do? What purpose do I serve? That is still being figured out. I want to look back at my life and see that I did something I loved outside of my children, my husband, my friends.
Something that defines me. Beyond Motherhood.