A Recovering Mommy Blogger – Behind the Goodbye
Metta from 365 Days (her former blog) is a dear friend of mine. We became blogging “neighbors” back early this year, and from there became Twitter fanatics, blog hop hosters, guest posters, and supporters of each others blogs. One day I logged onto my computer, and saw her latest post: “Goodbye.” That was all it said, and I was devastated. However, her reasons for leaving couldn’t be clearer and make more sense than the way she’s about to explain them in, what else, a guest post here:
First I have to say thank you to Diana for letting me take over her blog to write this post. She has always supported me with my blogging endeavors and questions about anything and everything. So it makes perfect sense that this post resides here.
So now, to the point of this post…
Those of you reading this, who used to check out my blog, know that about 2 months ago I posted that I was no longer blogging. I got a bunch of emails and comments of worry and I so appreciate it. I’ve wanted to write about this decision, but I’m so glad I decided to wait until now, because really, if I wrote about 2 months ago, I would not have had the clarity and insight I hold today.
What I realize now is that my obsessive personality was spilling over to the pages of my blog. I have a hard time doing things I find passion in within the realm of moderation. When I finally quit smoking cigarettes over 7 years ago, I started obsessively working out and counting calories and lost a lot of weight. And then when I started grad school, I then obsessively started eating my stress and quickly gained the weight back and then some. When the hubs and I decided to try to have a baby, I obsessively studied when the perfect time of the month would be to try to have a baby, that it became a chore, rather than fun. I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist of this personality trait of mine.
Blogging/Social Networking, became my most recent obsession. Despite not wanting to believe it to be true, it turned in to a high priority. I had to blog everyday. I mean I did set up my blog to be a 365 days one. I did guest blog posts. I solicited guest blog posts. I planned and hosted giveaways. I tweeted till the wee hours of the night insisting that it was all for the betterment of the blog. I wanted to become one of those ladies who can actually make money from their blog. I wanted to become one of those ladies with thousands of twitter followers. I wanted to become liked by all. I wanted wanted wanted and that turned into me thinking I needed I needed I needed.
All while this was going on, I went back to work and started to feel pulled in so many directions. I told myself I could do it all. But really, my life was spiraling out of control. I started to have panic attacks again because of all the stress. I started to have panic attacks again because I wanted, needed control, but I couldn’t seem to find it.
Something had to give.
But I didn’t stop. I kept denying the source of it all.
Then one day I broke. My family life was suffering because of this obsession. After months and months I finally stopped being in denial of this fact.
Then I grieved. I grieved for my blog. But slowly, I stopped being sad and started seeing the heavy weight being lifted off my shoulder.
At this point some of you might be thinking that this sounds all lame. And part of that is because there are parts of this story I can’t share. Some things have to remain sacred, you know. Some things are between me and my family and that has to be respected. I have to respect that.
My husband had a suggestion to me when he realized how much I enjoyed the blogging. He encouraged, and really still does, for me to follow my passions. So now, I have all these crazy ideas floating around in my head about how to be a writer…you know get published and get paid for it. I’ve started doing research and writing down my ideas. It’s a long process, but I’m not going to give up on it. I’m going to keep plugging away, but still make sure I don’t let it take over my life. Luckily I have an amazing husband who does a great job of bringing me back down to reality all the while encouraging me to have my own thing to call my own and cherish.
And now that I’m almost 2 months into the new school year, I have no flipping clue how I did it all last year with the blog. I’m so busy these days with teaching (and all that goes along with that career), taking care of Abigail, and continuing to cultivate and grow within my almost three year marriage, that if I get one hour a day during the week to veg out of the couch, in front of the TV, I’m lucky. What I realize now, is that I didn’t do it all last year, though I thought I was. My job was suffering. My personal life was suffering. I was suffering.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not writing all this down to say that it isn’t possible to do it all. Many of my bloggy mommy friends do it. They find balance. However, me and my obsessive personality just can’t cut it right now. So the blogging is on hold…perhaps indefinitely. But don’t worry, this isn’t the last of my writing you will see from this recovering mommy blogger. Whether it be a guest blog post every once in a while or a tweet or my ultimate goal of becoming a published author one day, my writing will be around, just not as much.
POST SCRIPT: For the past 3 weeks I’ve been trying to find time to even write this post, and I have some time to myself to breathe right now because Abby is home from daycare because she was barfing all day yesterday. Oh the joys of being a working momma…some time to myself while my sick Abby naps. And the fact that it has taken me 3 weeks to have time to sit down and write this is kinda the whole point I’m trying to make about myself these days.
POST POST SCRIPT: If you haven’t had your Abby fill lately, here are some of her 11 month shots. I just die of her cuteness on a daily basis!