My sister snapped this picture of me at my parents house this weekend. When I realized she had tagged me on FB with it, I cringed and braced myself for the worst. Only to realize that (glaring white legs aside) it wasn’t really THAT bad. It’s not my ideal look, but then, what is? (And I have an Easter egg on my skirt. It took me forever to figure out what the heck that was.)
My last post was actually written over a week ago and set to publish Monday, so in that time I’ve thought a lot about my struggle with weight and talked to my sister, mom and Sam about it really honestly. I do think I have some major issues. Thankfully I don’t think throwing a meal up is the best way to lose the pounds anymore. And I can get on the scale and deal with reality. I don’t hyperventalite in the Dr.’s office. It has gotten better – at least on the outside. I think mentally I’m still in the same place.
I wish I was one of those people who could just exercise and not have it be a mental battle to keep going. Because for me, it is. Every day begins with guilt about not wanting to, and then promises of “later” that are rarely kept.
So I’m pondering. Where to go from here. What I should do. Maybe see a therapist. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I have to change something, because the last thing I ever, ever want to do is focus on all this insecurity and body loathing with Bella watching.