This is a hard post to write. Because today my husband comes home. This post is supposed to be all smiles and rainbows, giggles and butterflies.
And there is some of that. But there is also a heavy dose of realistic.
I’m not naive enough to believe anymore that after a separation, I become a different person. I used to feel that I would be the BEST wife when my husband came home. FOREVER. His time in Iraq was so filled with fear and worry that by the time he was home, all I could think of was how we would never fight or be cross again because of what had happened.
Which, of course, is impossible and unrealistic. And leads to massive disappointment and resentment.
This time, I want to acknowledge the truth with the moments of bliss. I want to be swept away in the excitement while still rooted firmly in the fact that we are both human – and both still us. It’s not that I’m not completely thrilled to have him back. But I’m afraid of what I will do and how I will act once the novelty wears off.
This post is to ask that you will keep me – my thoughts, my temper, my stress and fears with our move, and my stubbornness to accept a change – in your thoughts and prayers. I have come to have my own routine and my own life these past few months alone. I have raised Bella totally my way. I have had no one question or balk at what I said. My word was law. My day was mine. The routine I set was the one I loved.
And this will quickly be gone at 10pm tonight when Sam steps off that plane. For his sake, and for mine, and even for Bella’s, I must learn to let go. I need to have a spirit of peace and know that my husband is doing his absolute best in this for us. I need to embrace the fact that there are two of us to help and set a different routine, and that my way – as nice as it’s been – may not always be the best way.
I simply ask for whatever it is you do for others, be it prayer or meditate or thoughts of encouragement, that you would do it for me. That I would be a source of joy to my husband and a rock for our family as we go through this, and not a whiny, controlling mess. That I won’t place unrealistic expectations on him or myself. That I can learn to step back and let him fill the role as a husband and father again.
And I thank you for doing so.