I think I know.

July 19, 2011

I sit. Waiting for the feeling to pass over me into my fingertips. That pull to write. To create. To empty the swirling thoughts in my head onto this blank space. I search in my head for what is on my mind – really on it. Because I can’t write what isn’t tugging at me to be written; whether it be drama or humor or simply life.

As I wait, the question lingers. Always. “What are you doing this for?”

And so many answers. All of which seem hollow to me in some way. “Love of writing” “Creating” “Connecting”

Tonight I looked at Sam across the room. I finally voiced what I’ve been thinking for a while.

“What if writing is what I want to do? What if I go to BlogHer and come home with an absolute certainty that this is what fulfills me as a creative outlet, as work, as part of who I am?”

He smiles. Ever supportive. “Then do it – and do it well.”

I hesitate. Part of me screams, “What is wrong with you? It’s never going to go anywhere! Fun and games and wasting time.” Yet, another part of me has a tiny voice that says, “But if…”

If I threw my entire self into it.

If I had a direction.

If I allowed my confidence to shine through.

If I found my passion in writing – the topics I want to shed light on.

If I understood how to channel all I’ve learned these past 18 months into something more than simply me.

If I could do all this, if I found the path beneath my feet and was able to create. To help. To empower. To make a change.

I think I would fully accept that this – sitting here and creating a place for my thoughts – is what I am meant to do. This is my passion. My work. That nothing I do as a job or a hobby will ever come close to how this feels. How when I’m done here, when my thoughts cease, it’s as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and peace settles over me.

So many fears and practicalities hold me back. And I wonder if I will ever let go and let what this is, the writing and blogging, be the part of me that is missing. I wonder if I did, what this could become.

I think I know this is what I want to do.

17 Comments

  • Good Girl Gone Green

    July 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    You have such talent, Diana! I wish I had your writing skills, I just depend on my content….sigh!
    Do what feels right.
    “oh the places you”ll go!”

  • Alena

    July 21, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I know you’ve read the guide a million times (plus or minus 10). But when I read it there are two quotes that jump out at me:

    “See how I just called myself a writer? BlogHer empowered me to do that. BlogHer has changed me and given me the courage to follow my dreams” -Diane Lane

    “If there’s one thing that I want to take away from BlogHer, it’s that I can let go of my fear to take a step, even a small one, and make a difference” -Busy Mommy Media

    It sorta catches my breath when I read them. Because it can do this for you and me and the rest of us. We just have to let it.

  • Dana K

    July 20, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Go for it! Don’t be afraid of failure. Each stumble is a learning experience, not a reason to quit.

  • Tracy

    July 20, 2011 at 10:19 am

    This is what you are supposed to do! Go for it. I’m sure you will come back from BlogHer with so many ideas and realize you have direction. This is your path. You just have to put yourself out there. Take chances. You never know if you don’t try. Your gut is the best thing to trust. Go with the gut.

  • Devan @ Accustomed Chaos

    July 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    i swear you are in my head. YOU can do this though – follow your heart & it will never lead you wrong. Believe in yourself because it is very clear all of us here believe in you . xxo

  • Desi

    July 19, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I hope you find the confidence you need to take the plunge! I’m all for it 🙂

  • Megan at SortaCrunchy

    July 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I agree with Janelle – you are already a writer!

    Have you read The War of Art? You must pick it up if not. It will kick you around and mess you up and set you on fire. You’ll find your focus. You’ll stare down Resistance.

    You can do this. Good for you for being responsible to the gift given to you!

  • Janelle

    July 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    You are already a writer. An inspiration. A teller of stories. YOU ARE A WRITER!

  • Cindy @ b.kate designs

    July 19, 2011 at 10:21 am

    I wonder this ALL the time with what I am doing!! This is what I figure though, I have thrown myself into what I am doing 100%, in doing this, my sewing skills are becoming awesome…and I am happy, yep. So Diana, throw yourself in, write, create, inspire others and if you succeed, keep going, and if you do not, keep going, because that is what makes you happy. You are a talented and REAL writer, one of the only blogs I read that I always come back to. You do have a talent, use it friend!! <3

  • Amy @ dwell in the season

    July 19, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Yes, go for it! You already ARE a great writer – I love your blog! Good for you for recognizing your love and passion 🙂

  • angela

    July 19, 2011 at 9:57 am

    If this is what you love, embrace it and don’t look back. You’ll never regret doing it, but you might regret NOT doing it!

  • Kristin

    July 19, 2011 at 8:38 am

    You rock Lady~ in the short time I’ve “known” you it’s been motivating, inspiring and full of giggles and honest sighs of “wow, that’s exactly how I feel sometimes.”

    I know you’ll do great things~ I say DO IT! =D

  • Krista

    July 19, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Knowing you want to write is half the battle. The other half is knowing what you want to write about. And finding those people that want to read it. And/or pay for it.

    Or, at least that’s my battle.

  • Miranda

    July 19, 2011 at 8:02 am

    you have just taken every fearful thought I’ve had in the past two weeks and verbalized them. What if this is what I want to do?

    Gah. Such a cool and scary place to be!

    See you soon!

  • Law Momma

    July 19, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Oh I’m so with you. I wish I had the confidence in myself to take that leap… to devote my down time to writing and creating something worth sending out for publication. But that fear of rejection … of not being good enough? It’s so strong.

    Keep writing, friend!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    July 19, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Follow your heart! A heart never lies!

    And if you do write? I hope you share it here. Because so far I love what I see.

  • Jenny

    July 19, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Do it.
    Don’t look back.
    You are greater than the distance you have to jump.

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