Baby Hypothermia

(Note: This is not about you. This is about me. If you are upset or offended reading it, please remember that I did not write it to hurt anyone. It’s my thoughts on another, potentially rough, pregnancy and thoughts/fears that come with really not wanting to do it, and figuring out if that’s ok.)

Most of my friends are pregnant. Or have recently given birth to beautiful, gorgeous children. And it’s amazing to watch the babies get bigger and see their first born kids become big brothers and sisters.

It’s amazing that I was pregnant at the same time as a lot of them.

It’s amazing that I don’t want another one any time soon.

I have no baby fever. Not the kind that lingers anyway. There isn’t anything in me that craves a baby so much that I’d deal with

- hyperemesis gravidarium

- heartburn

- gas

- being told I’m gaining too much/eating too much/need more exercise

- pre term labor

- multiple hospital visits

- a horrible self image after

- no sleep

- screaming

- PPD/A whatever the heck I had

- colic

- reflux for 6 months

or any of the above to the point that I would forget everything I went through with Bella and do it all over again.

I haven’t forgotten. I didn’t like it much then and I’m sure I wouldn’t like it much now. I was so sick with her. Then she was so sick. Why would I want to do that again?

I enjoy life the way it is right now. If another little one suddenly was in the plans, I’d be thrilled. I’d just jump in and make do. I’d simply accept my life would change and I had better get on board with it. And I would. I know that about myself.

But I’m sure as heck not ready to do that on purpose.

The other night Sam and I talked seriously about having another. We just laid it all out – finances, timing, schedule, etc. We decided we could do it. It would work.

I backed out the next day. Totally couldn’t fathom the realness of it. I just can’t see myself heaving over a toilet and waking up multiple times a night while knowing I chose it. Trying to find time for my writing and work as things pile up at home. Feeling torn between pursuing my passion and raising a family. I (please note: I) don’t know if I could find a good balance in it. Or if I want to find another balance. I told Sam I want to wait a while longer. Next year sometime. Maybe. He said he didn’t know if he really wanted another either. (Although he goes back and forth.)

I like not being sick. I like having one child to worry about. I like sleeping. I like the ability to walk out the door with Bella because she’s at an age where she has enough independence to follow along without a 50lb diaper bag and a 35lb car seat. I like her naps and that it means I have 2 hours to write, cook, clean – every day. I like that I have the time to have a part time job from home. I like being able to focus all my attention on her. I like that she and I are buddies and our days are spent together.

Does this come off as selfish? Well, it’s how I feel. At this moment, I can’t imagine actually wanting another child badly enough to overcome all this. I have Bella. For now, she is my all and more than enough. For us, for our family, one seems to be all we need right now.

I am happy with how things are. So happy with our little life of three. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting and praying for direction. A second child changes your life again. In different ways than the first. I’m not ready for any of those life changes. And I don’t want them.


Comments

  1. Diana, we’re so similar. I also had PPA (don’t think it was PPD), reflux baby, crying, screaming and general chaos. Also hated being preggers – sick for most of the pregnancy, on diclectin, and some crazy ear disorder that went away as soon as I had the baby. Here’s the good news – you CAN delay your decision. Put it off until next year (like we’re doing as well), and then re-evaluate. As long as you’re not running into fertility issues, there’s really no rush! I’m going to be 32 in June, but I’m happy waiting another year before I make a decision. It’s not selfish – it’s being smart and realistic about who YOU are. Not all the other Mommies out there

    • If you want to take this fantastic suggestion a step further, here’s what my therapist advised us to do: set a date to have the conversation again. We’re talking about having our first on March 1, 2012 (that’s the date of the planned conversation, not the birth). It was just one year after the first time we talked about it and said “Not yet.” We have a secondary plan: if the answer is “not yet” again, we wait three months and talk then. It has saved so much tension! It’s nice to have the talks with my therapist present, even though she’s in our lives to deal with my anxiety disorders more than anything else. Why? Because it limits the conversation! One hour. If you aren’t both on board, you wait the pre-determined amount of time before going over it all again. Genius idea and it really has helped us so much.

  2. I am right there with you! Sometimes I wish I could give A a sibling, but at no point does that equal me wanting to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. Unless God disagrees, the only way our family will grow is through adoption our fostering…

  3. And, in my opinion, there’s *nothing* wrong with that! If you feel content with your life as it is, then that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I did have that longing for another and I didn’t have an awful pregnancy. I did have a few postpartum issues, but, for me, I’m willing to go through that again because of the longing I have for another. I think you said that all perfectly.

  4. It’s a great philosophy. I think your logic is totally sound, not selfish. I totally know the 50 lb diaper bag, I think mine’s closer to 75 lbs. I love Erin with all of my heart, but it’s definitely the toughest job I’ve ever had. We’ll have another probably in the next 2 yrs because I’m *old* for carrying babies (hence the bed rest, PTL and a preemie baby) but I can’t imagine having a toddler AND a newborn. She’s enough as is! Waiting and praying is the thing to do. You’ll know when/if it’s the right time! Good going momma!

  5. I think you are so wise to do what is right for you, right for your family. Be happy and things will come and happen the way they are intended.

  6. You need to do what’s best for you guys and that’s that. It feels like you think you SHOULD be ready for another, cause everyone else is doing it. But you know what? All us preggos? We’re all bat-shit crazy (except Erika – she doesn’t seem crazy at all). Who likes being pregnant? Not me. Not at all. But I knew I wanted a few kids and know that I’d rather get all this yucky pregnancy/newborn stuff ‘out-of-the-way’ now while I still remember how crappy it is. Weird thought process I know. But I just feel like if I forget how crappy pregnancy is, I will do it again and again and again and end up like that damn Duggar woman.

    But really, you like the way things are right now. Why mess with them? There’s nothing saying you have to have more than one kid. There’s nothing saying you have to carry another child either (I know adoption isn’t an option right now, but doesn’t mean it’ll never be an option).

    Be kind to yourself. There’s no reason to put yourself through a situation you’re already anxious about, just to fulfill some idea of what ‘they’ think is what you’re supposed to do. Just do you! Sending massive love and hugs your way lady!!

    • This made me tear up. Thank you, thank you for your honesty in this. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who thinks these kinds of thoughts – or at least the only non-pregnant one. :)

  7. I think they are sooo worth it, but that’s me. I was only sick with one out of three though I was on bedrest for 2 out of 3. I was miserable in serious pain from sciatic nerve pain. But I’ve never had a colicky or sick baby. So that’s me, I think it’s worth it and if I could give them away when they hit about 4, I would have babies for the rest of my life (not that I don’t love my kids now that they are older but that’s when they begin having a schedule of their own and I don’t know how people with a ton of kids do it. THREE is crazy enough.
    But anyone who would bah you for saying you don’t think it’s worth it is selfish and rude. I also never PLANNED a pregnancy and I could see how actually doing that would be daunting even with how much I LOVE babies!! Feel how you feel, wait if you need to wait, or stop at one if that’s whats right for you and screw anyone who thinks they have the right to have an opinion about that.
    I think you sharing this is great because I am sure there are others who agree but don’t feel they can say it for the same reasons.

  8. Doing what’s right for you and your family is all that matters. If you ask me (not that anyone did), making the decision to wait, or maybe never have another baby is not at all selfish. It is best for everyone, including a potential new baby, for the family to all be fully certain and committed before someone else is added. Best wishes!

  9. I think moms have to be a little selfish. If we aren’t selfish enough to take care of ourselves and make sure we are pretty darn sure we are ready for another child, how can we expect to properly care for that next child? Being a little selfish in the short term allows us to be selfless in the long run!

  10. I’m not offended in the least. This is about your life, your family and YOUR body. It’s hard not knowing what will happen with your next pregnancy and how the next baby will be personality wise.

    Brigham was a horrible sleeper and was so sick his first year. I love him dearly but MAN ALIVE, was I tired. I had a surprise pregnancy otherwise we would have waited. You have to follow your gut, Diana. And I don’t understand why anyone would fault you for that.

    p.s. everyone chimes in about my desire to have a third baby. SHUT IT, people. Just shut it.

  11. I agree with everyone who has posted already. You are doing what you feel is best for yourself. And being the one who has to be pregnant, birth the child and care for them? Yeah I think you’re entitled to having some say in it :)

  12. I never understood people who would talk about how much they loved their kid and loved being a parent and then would say that they only wanted one. I was never critical of them, I just didn’t get it at all until my son was almost 18 months old. That was when we were getting close to the point where we had always planned on starting to try for #2 and I finally “got it” at least a little bit. My husband and I had both always known we wanted 3-4 kids so it didn’t stop us (#2 is actually due tomorrow) but I would never criticize someone else for making the decision that’s right for them.

    As long as you two can keep talking about it calmy and openly so that no one feels like their needs/feelings are being ignored I know you’ll continue to make the choice that’s right for your family.

  13. When Erin and I have talked about kids we have a slight disagreement. I don’t want more than 2 but she wants 2 or 3. But what she’s said (and I agree with) is that we’ll have a second and see if our family feels complete. Right now, with Isaac, we’re both really happy and love it, but we feel like a second one is meant to be in our family.

    If you, Sam and Bella feels complete, then you’re done. There’s no need to go any further.

  14. To each their own. I’m about to have my third, but the first two were fine. I was barely sick, more annoyed than anything. This one on the other hand, sucks majorly! Not sure if the other ones were like this, I would’ve been so willing to do it again.

    I think parents should be selfish in deciding to have more children, because you can’t really be selfish afterwards, can you?

  15. I think what you are describing is not selfishness at all. On the contrary, you are being responsible and taking the gift of parenthood and the ability to carry a child very seriously. I think selfishness is purposefully bringing a child into the world when you are physically, emotionally, mentally, circumstantially, or financially unfit to care for that child in the best way possible. I get so irritated when self-righteous people (usually people who are already parents) call people “selfish” who decide to take a step back and actually *think* before creating another life and soul. Heaven forbid we try to do what’s best for ourselves and our children – current or future.
    Waiting for more is not bad, selfish or anything you should be judged by others or yourself for, and if you only ever have one kid, that’s great. Thanks for talking about this!

  16. Thank you for sharing this. I am not a mom yet, but I watched what my sister went through with her 3 pregancies. I have never really had the desire to be pregnant, and after seeing what my sister and friends have dealt with I know for sure that I don’t want to be pregnant! I do want at least one child, but would much rather prefer adoption. My husband does not like that idea. My other family members thing I am crazy and always tell me how “wonderful” being pregnant was! I disagree, at least from what I have witnessed. I wish people would stop telling me what I want and accept that I know myself better than they do! It’s nice to know others have similar feelings about pregnancy!

  17. I’m not ready either! I get anxious even thinking about having a newborn to take care of along with Liv. I know I want another baby…I’m just not sure when. I wish I was one of those women that could do it all, but I want things for myself, like a career…

    So I understand where you are coming from. Its hard to know when the time is right…I want someone to decide for me ha.

  18. I once read that women who don’t know how they will find balance if they have a child “play fast and loose with birth control” to avoid making the decision. I think it’s great that you’re admitting all of this instead of stuffing it all up inside and letting such a huge event just happen to you. I DO have baby fever, and I am terrified of giving up control over my body to another being. I went to a wonderful event this morning with these wonderful people: http://www.motherwoman.org/ and one of the speakers said re: perinatal care (physical, mental health, etc), “The baby is not the only patient. The entire family is the patient.”

  19. I certainly hope this didn’t offend anyone. This really is all about YOU. What works for YOU and YOUR family. So what if you have one child or five? Not that I don’t want anothe little one of yours to love on :) I think it is SO great that you guys really talk these issues through. Good for you!

  20. There`s nothing wrong with not having another baby because you don`t want another baby. It sure beats having one that you`re not ready for, and not being able to properly care for it.

  21. Word.

  22. Totally understandable, with all you went through. I not only didn’t feel baby fever — I actually would shudder when I’d see a newborn and imagine having one of those things again anytime soon. Not everyone understood what I was feeling, but fortunately my partner did (and felt the same), so we waited until when we saw a newborn, we felt neutral, and then, ultimately, that “awww, wouldn’t that be lovely” reaction. It took three years. Just saying. And we gave it that time and also acknowledged that if we never felt differently, we would stop at one.

    I’m now very happy we took the plunge to two. Even though it’s made us rearrange how everything else in our lives fits in. But I’m glad we were able to make the choice that worked for us and didn’t feel pressured into having another child before we were ready.

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