*If you’re family, I’m asking you skip reading this post.
After Friday’s post, something didn’t set well with me. Yes, I love how my life is. I love it being just us and Bella. I enjoy the freedom I have to work and write.
But saying those are my reasons not to have another baby isn’t quite accurate. I know I’d be able to continue to write no matter what life throws at me, because I love doing it. I know I could carve out time to work, to cook and clean. It would be a challenge, but when I had Bella it simply took finding a new routine.
So what is it? I have pondered this question far longer than that post, but this weekend has had me thinking on it every moment of the day. Last night Sam and I talked for hours on having a second. What held me back? Why do I feel this need to try to put it off or think of every excuse in the world why I shouldn’t? Do I really not want any more kids? What about that he does? Why do I know I could, in a moment, have that longing for a baby but I won’t let myself?
Then I realized what it was.
Being pregnant is total lack of control over my own body and the reaction I have to it. I can’t guarantee I won’t be sick again. Or have preterm labor. Or end up with a very sick little one. Or have PPA. All of this makes me very nervous, because it wasn’t fun the first time around. If I could have someone tell me, “Oh no, that only happens with first babies! Never with the second,” I’d probably be working on my 3rd right now. 😉
There are no absolutes. At least, with knowing what will happen again. It could very well all happen again. Kim had PPD worse with the second and third. I know people who have hyperemesis every time they get pregnant.
Living in fear because of what happened the first time around isn’t something I’m ok with, but neither is throwing caution to the wind and “hoping” everything turns out swell the second time. I read this comment by Anne Marie and it made so much sense:
So, you know me, I made a decision. I have an appointment with the top OBGYN in the city next week. It’s for my yearly exam (sorry men that read this) but also to talk with a doctor that specializes in PPA/D and high risk pregnancies. I’m going to lay it all out and see what she says, having my medical records in hand. Whatever she recommends; be it counseling, or tests, waiting, or no more kids – I will let that information form our decision.
I owe this to myself, my husband, and Bella. I need to be a whole, healthy person, mother, and wife during and after a pregnancy.
Sam would like to expand our family. I am letting my fear of last time hinder that. While it’s my body, this is also something we decide together. I will not look at him and say, “no more” or “let’s try” without having information on how we can be better prepared.
So I can’t honestly say I don’t “want” to be pregnant again. I just don’t want to be afraid or go into it blindfolded with my fingers crossed. I’m doing my part to make the best choice for us.
I may never be able to control what happens to me during or after a pregnancy. But I can control the knowledge and comfort level I have to make the decision, and then accept the outcome knowing I did my best.