It’s hard to write.

October 4, 2011

I’ve had a tough time writing on here lately. Really writing. I feel like everyone I know is listening and reading. Which is and isn’t true. Many people I know don’t read this. Many people do.

I am so keenly aware of it though that it’s beginning to hold me back from what I write about. And I hate that.

I have a few things I want to write and I feel if I did I’d hurt someone’s feelings. It’s nothing personal, but it does intertwine with things others are going through or have said. It could easily be taken as personal.

So I don’t write it.

This bothers me.

Then there is the fact that my writing feels judged at times. I wonder if you click over and read thinking, “Another overly dramatic story by Diana.” There is no way of me knowing this, it could be all in my head. But it’s there – nagging away at me as I have a story to share.

It’s my blog. But in a way, it’s also so tied up in the emotions and lives of the others I know, read, talk to. Something that happens to someone spurs a thought in me and I want to write it down. It’s nothing to do with just them, it’s my reaction to a situation or a feeling. If I write it, will it come across that way – impersonal and really only dealing with me?

Take pregnancy. Probably 1/2 of the women I know under 40 are pregnant or just gave birth. I’m not joking. My Facebook feed is filled with pregnancies. And this makes me happy. For them.

And this is what I would love to elaborate on but can’t for fear of offense – I’m happy I’m not. Of course there are moments of, “Oh, a baby!” But those quickly pass. I just don’t have that drive to have another child – or enough of it to push past all the what-if’s and life changes I’m not ready for. And don’t want. It has nothing to do with anyone but me (and Sam) but it feels so…wrong to say.

Or the fact that I’m really content in life right now. That I’m excited about where things are going. But if I write on that, will I come off as vain? Condescending? Tooting my own horn?

Maybe writing on that I live in fear of something crashing down to ruin all of this. After all, things in my life/marriage/friendships rarely stay on an even keel. Why should I be so lucky? Why do I deserve long term happiness? Does that even exist?

So many thoughts of mine. I often wonder what you all think when you read over here.

I guess if I knew that answer I might never post again. :p Somehow I have to figure out, yet again, to put aside the “What if this makes them mad/hurts their feelings/etc?” and just write.

Looking back over this, I think I may have just done that.

33 Comments

  • Jen

    October 6, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    It is hard eh? There is lots I don’t blog or tweet about because of people (my family, coworkers and Joe’s coworkers) who follow my blog. It sucks but sometimes I just don’t want to deal with the IRL backlash/comments/judging/BS

  • Alyson

    October 5, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Ugh you’re SO dramatic… 🙂 Kidding lol. I love what you write and I guarantee you the reason your blog has been such a success is because of how honest and open you are on here. Just like someone in our family used to say if you don’t like it…”God bless your somewhere else” bahahahahahahaha.

  • Erika @NAMAmmaSTE

    October 4, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    I feel your pain. I feel like I’m going through the same self-censoring lately, and I end up just not writing anything. And then, when I do, I spend so much time dancing around what I really want to say, I feel like I haven’t even made my point in the end.

    I love your stories. I love your uncensored thoughts. That’s why, every time I meet a new mom, I send her over to your blog. You have a gift for putting a voice to the things we all feel. I agree with just about every comment above, too. Take BA’s advice. You’re great. Be you!

  • Lindsey

    October 4, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    I like reading what you write. I don’t think it’s overly dramatic or offensive. You tell the truth in a way I’ve never seen it written in a blog, and that’s what got me to subscribe. If you’re not writing exactly what you want to be writing, then what are you doing?

    Oh. I’m knocked up and when I’m not anymore, I’ll be glad for it too 😉

    1. Erika @NAMAmmaSTE

      October 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

      haha, me too! (about being knocked up)

  • Tracy

    October 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    I’d read anything you wrote. True story.

  • Janelle

    October 4, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Don’t you wish you could write posts that were only open to folks on the “I don’t know you in real life” list? Surely, with all of the technology available, that should be possible?

  • Tabetha Smelser

    October 4, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Write! Write it all down! I am in the same predicament as you are, not wanting to write for the fear of offending others or having them think or say things about me behind my back. I have a lot I want to say but I just don’t because I’m afraid. And I’m not just trying to make you feel good, but honestly, reading your blog helps me feel like I can express myself as the real me and not the me I want to try to be so people will read my blog. Basically, you inspire me to write honestly. So please, write what is true for you.

    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
    ― Dr. Seuss

  • Kim

    October 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Hmmm, some pretty smart people are commenting here. Listen. 🙂 Also? Love you to pieces.

  • Becky

    October 4, 2011 at 10:55 am

    For what it’s worth, no one HAS to read your blog. It’s your version of diary. Type away!

  • Bethany T

    October 4, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Diana, I love how honest and transparent you are on your blog. I find that sometimes it’s easier to write things out than to have a conversation about something awkward or volatile. Like the fact I don’t want kids anytime soon and I’m 26. Not a fun conversation with the parents, but much easier to write. Then I feel they actually listen instead of entering guilt trip mode or trying once again to change my mind. Writing is yours. No one can take your words from you and you have a gift for this. Use it for good – whether for your own good or the betterment of others!

  • Adam @ Hanging with Dad

    October 4, 2011 at 9:52 am

    I hear you. I’m willing to write about anything, as long as it’s not going to anger my immediate family. I feel that it’s not worth it (to me) to endanger personal relationships for the sake of some pageviews or to think I’ve gotten it off my chest. If I want to vent about someone I consider a friend then I’ll do it in real life, not on my blog.

    Anything that’s not directed at a specific individual, however, is fair game.

  • Sonya

    October 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

    As a blog reader and not a blogger, I enjoy reading honest posts! I have often thought if I had a blog, I couldn’t write about certain things that would offend and that would leave the page blank. I have recently started reading your blog and have found it enjoyable! I love reading mommy blogs! My advice, just write it! The only bloggers I have stopped following are the ones that are always complaining. I’ll take sharing some bad days with you and offer my support, but some people are poison! Thanks for sharing! By the way, it’s your blog, write what moves you!

  • Devan @ Accustomed Chaos

    October 4, 2011 at 8:36 am

    I struggle with this as well Diana. It’s hard – im kinda the personality of a ‘pleaser’ but with blogging i have realized that even the most well intentioned words can get torn apart (as i felt this weekend) – you really can’t please anyone.

    Be you. always.

  • Veronica

    October 4, 2011 at 8:32 am

    It depends on what your goals are. Youre a smart girl. I doubt you would ever post anything that would put your family in jeopardy. Go with your heart. This is *your* blog not the new york times. If someone doesn’t like what they have read here well they aren’t paying for a subscription and are free to keep it moving.

  • Alexia

    October 4, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I come here every day to read your truth and I love it. You need to write what is on your mind and stop worrying about whether or not people judge you. Cause would your readers still be reading if they thought you were overly dramatic? I think your posts are all really down to earth and real. I know just my opinion, but I hope that helps.

    And as one of the kazillion that are currently knocked up believe me when I say that I’m so NOT offended that you’re happy you’re not pregnant (does that make sense?) Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder how in the world I will manage having another little one. It’s ok to feel like life is great right now! Cause it is! Just do me one little favor if you can, try not to live like you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve lived like that for so long and it doesn’t make me appreciate what’s right in front of me. And you have so much in front of you right now Diana!!

  • molly

    October 4, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Yeah, what BA said. As time passes I find I have less and less of a filter.

    Exhibit A: today’s post

    See? no filter.

    But I’m caring less and less. It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:11 am

      Aaaand now I have to go read your post…

  • Andy

    October 4, 2011 at 8:00 am

    As I was reading this I thought about what a sensitive issue this is, and Rebecca has expressed the same concern. It shows that you have a kind heart for others feelings, which is good! It also made me think about how well trained we all are in our PC, high-tolerance, vanilla society to be careful not to criticize or offend. I’m not saying this is bad, because we should be careful with people’s feelings, but we have been taught to be too cautious I think. And the other side is that we are under-trained in receiving criticism as a culture. People don’t know how to handle words that offend them. It seems rare that people sit back and reflect on why they are offended, or analyze what the person was really saying. Especially in a format such as this, where someone is merely expressing her opinion, and they choose to be offended. Anyway, sorry for the soap box speech, but I think the truth is that people come here to hear what you have to say. It may or may not offend them, but it’s you being honest, and we need more honest words! So share on Diana!

    1. Rebecca

      October 4, 2011 at 8:12 am

      Can I just say how much I love this man?! 🙂

    2. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:13 am

      First off, I think it’s really great that you would come over and comment. You are Rebecca are such amazing people.

      Thanks for the encouragement. All of it applies to me too, there are times people don’t agree with what I say with and it bothers me to read their response. Which is silly – but it’s true. Somehow we all have to learn to get past the offense of words.

  • Misty

    October 4, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Stay strong in what you believe. I, too, have been drafting a post about having another baby. Its been in my draft folder for months!! But people like reading your blog when you are completely yourself, and not caring about what other people may think. You are only responsible for yourself, not for what others feel/think about you.

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:11 am

      I never hear anyone say anything about not wanting to have another child – of course I have no idea if that’s what your post is about but… 🙂 That subject is so touchy to me.

      <3

  • Stepha

    October 4, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Can you have a separate blog for just venting? I didn’t tell anyone about my blog. I’m sorry you can’t blog! 🙁

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:03 am

      I had a private blog for a while, but this is where I spill all that stuff. It’s just tough sometimes knowing that my family/friends are reading. I used to do private posts but can’t anymore. I have to get past it and just blank out when I write. 🙂

  • Emily Montez

    October 4, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Your ‘about me’ is interesting in relation to this post. You are who you are. You have to learn to love that woman, embrace her. If you always worry about the effects your thought and emotions have in others, you will never be satisfied with your own life. God made you who you are for a reason, He gave you those thoughts and feelings for a reason. Sometimes, we just have to put ourselves out there. Not everyone will like it, but if you present yourself as someone else, no one will love YOU. Now go forth and do great things. 🙂

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:06 am

      I know, I put uncensored and then… lol. I do try my best not to censor, I just don’t write or publish those things lately.

      I love your thoughts on this, especially the “He gave you those thoughts and feelings for a reason.” I hadn’t really thought about that before. Thank you.

  • Jen

    October 4, 2011 at 7:35 am

    I for one, NEVER think oh another dramatic Diana post. I live your writing, it iften makes me rhink about things. While we do some things differently I like to hear how others deal with things in there life. I totally know what you mean about people you know reading your blog. That is why I can’t post mire intimate stuff. Andres family is highly into drama, and its just not worth it, for me.

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:08 am

      Thanks lady. It’s really nice to hear you say that. I think I worry at times because I am so far away from everyone that they don’t see the public me to know it’s not about them. Does that make sense? Sometimes writing twists things after a while.

  • Blair@HeirtoBlair

    October 4, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Write it, homeslice.

    I find that I’m a better blogger when I don’t give a shit.

    1. Diana

      October 4, 2011 at 8:09 am

      I couldn’t agree more. Last night this actually flew through my head as I wrote this, “When BA writes her most honest pieces, that’s when it’s the most interesting.” I love that about you too.

      1. Alyssa

        October 4, 2011 at 9:22 am

        I agree with both of you. My favorite blogs to read are those that you write when you say something honest / without worrying about what everyone will think.

        BA, I loved loved loved your blog before it became “famous”. I love you still but I loved your blog back then.

        1. Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife

          October 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

          I need to take BA’s advice and just not give a sh*t.

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