It’s stress. Not sadness.

November 29, 2011

I’m not depressed.

I know that depression and anxiety usually are like twins, but I don’t feel that way.

I feel anxious. A lot.

I don’t feel sad. Or alone. Or depressed.

I mean, I have off days. I get thrown out of whack at times. But I get up and do something. It’s just normal feelings.

I love how I live now. I have spent so much time in another life that having this one suddenly flung into my lap after years of longing and dreaming about it seems surreal.

And that, partially, is where much of the anxiety comes from.

What if it gets taken away again?

It doesn’t change the fact that I simply want to control it. I want to have a grasp on it all and be able to keep it like it is. If everyone would just do exactly what Diana said or wanted:

Life would be perfect forever.

See where I’m going here? Unrealistic. But that’s what it is. It’s not that I’m terribly sad over my life. I’m excited each day to wake up and be here, to know that I get to work from home, to see my daughter grow up, to spend my nights curled up by a fire and a husband who will watch (and like) Glee with me. To have supportive family and friends.

I am so blessed.

I am so anxious.

Because I would do anything for it to stay this way, to never go back to what it was. To how I felt.

There isn’t one thing I can do except control me. And that doesn’t even work.

::sigh::

3 Comments

  • Anne-Marie

    November 29, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Me too! I’ve never met anyone with the same thing before! I did once get depressed after trying unsuccessfully to be absolutely perfect in college. Rejection letters from 12 of the 13 graduate schools I applied to pushed me over the edge. But depression almost never takes a role in my life, now. It’s all about the anxiety.

    IF I JUST TRIED A LITTLE HARDER…

    (I would pass out. Because seriously, that is how hard I try.)

    Let’s agree to cut ourselves some slack?

  • molly

    November 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Try to catch yourself each time you have a negative thought. It’s really hard when you first start. But when you feel yourself saying, “I’m not good enough” or “it will all be taken away” say the word STOP in your head. It works and it gets easier as you learn to listen to yourself.

  • Itze

    November 29, 2011 at 8:06 am

    You’ve put into words what I have not been able to. You’ve described exactly how I feel!

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