I wish I could say it’s all better.

November 18, 2011

Saw the therapist yesterday.

I have anxiety. Big time.

I also have PTSD. Which I didn’t believe because I’ve never been in a war, saw someone die, get shot, etc. But the therapist said that because the past 6 years in our home have been so traumatic in many ways, and we’ve just moved on to the next big deal each time, it’s built up. Till things trigger me and I can’t get past them. I react the same way over and over. 

Sam used to compliment me when he wanted to drink that night without me nagging.

So now a compliment sends me into ultra suspicious mode.

Our home caught on fire a few years ago and someone pounded on our door and screamed till we woke up.

So now I’m terrified that I’ll wake up to someone pounding on the door again.

We got in a car accident a few months ago.

I can’t let Sam drive without freaking out each time someone swerves towards us.

Today Bella threw up a little. Milk.

It smelled so much like breast milk that it triggered all the reflux and hospital memories.

Sam being gone sets off all the years he was and I didn’t know what was going on. The time I answered the door when he was in Iraq after hearing two people on my porch say, “Then we’ll pray with her.” They were dressed in black and I didn’t have my contacts in – I honestly thought I was going to be a widow at 20 years old.

They were Jehovah’s witnesses and I fell apart in the doorway. They had to put me on the couch and stay with me for a while.

Guess what happens when the doorbell rings and Sam isn’t home?

I’ve managed to stuff all this and more down these past years. Now with considering having more kids, it brings up the thought of being sick again or going into preterm labor at 30 weeks – 90% effaced. And no one knew why.

I keep waiting for everything to fall apart again because for so long it has. Every so often life would become a giant mess that Diana would scramble around to keep together and all in one piece.

I don’t know if I trust it not to happen again.

The therapist gave me things to work on. Positive thoughts. Yoga. Walking. Pressure points. He isn’t licensed to give meds and it was a relief. He’ll recommend me out if he determines I need them, but for now I’d like to see if I can do this without.

I understand that everyone has stress. Everyone deals with big things. But I don’t know if I have the tools to deal with it the right way.

I want this to be the post I usually do after a sad one where I feel the need to be like, “OMG SUNSHINE AND FINGER PAINTING AND A HOT CUP OF TEA AND ALL BETTER! YAY!”

But it’s not. It won’t be for a while.

And I can’t have caffeine. Not until this is under control, he said.

Which makes me kinda anxious.

Sam was supposed to be home tonight but won’t till Sunday.

I had a panic attack today thinking about something coming up. I did yoga to take my mind off it but I was at the point where I almost had to put myself to bed.

I effing hate feeling like this.

24 Comments

  • Katerina

    May 4, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Hi, a friend of mine liked your blog on Facebook and it caught my attention. She and I just had a conversation about the battles in our lives. We both have three children and she just had a miscarriage. We both have anxiety and I was just diagnozed with PTSD. Your post makes perfect sense to me and I understand too well the reaction to certain situations that trigger a painful, emotional response. I wish no one ever had to go through this. My heart goes out to you, your suffering is tremendous. I am however pleased to see the way you are dealing with everything. You are an inspiration to me and others like me, to keep going, to keep fighting and to keep on being there for oir loved ones no matter what emotional pain we endure during those anxiety spells and grieving. I am glad I found your blog. I keep wanting to start my own, but as someone mentioned above it is very difficult to be so open about anxiety, depression and PTSD – people who don’t have experience with it have a really tough time understanding. You are not alone in this and thank you for doing the difficult part and posting your experiences to allow people like me and my friend feel less alone. God Bless!

  • jill farris

    April 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Anxiety runs in our family. I didn’t believe in it for a long time. Some of the most positive outwardly happy people in our family struggle with it. We also have many alcoholics in our family.

    Here is what I’ve discovered at midlife…we also have absorption/digestive issues. I have realized that I don’t absorb B-vitamins and other nutrients well. I thought I was blessed with a cast iron stomach but it wasn’t really a blessing after all.

    I have been waking up sobbing with anxiety for years. A naturopath put me on B vitamin shots and the sobbing thing went away…almost entirely. Except that it comes back when I eat sugar or wheat.

    This may or may not apply to you but never ever underestimate that our physical body can have issues that affect our mental and emotional health.

    May you find your answers!

    Jill Farris
    http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com

  • Zoe

    March 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Hi. I’m new here. I see this is an old post but I can completely relate to the anxiety! Panic attacks got ahold of me about 5 years ago and I have been fighting back ever since. Hope you are doing well and I’m looking forward to reading more and catching up on your story 🙂

  • Jodi

    February 13, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Hi Diana, I just found your blog while browsing others. I like your open heart. I am 45 and at a different season in life than you, but I am a Navy wife of almost 24 years, Happily committed to a man who has struggled with alcohol (WE struggled, because it affects everyone!), We Spent 8 of the first 12 years of marriage separated due to deployment cycles, and had 3 children during that time. I struggled with depression before I knew it was depression, and had my first major anxiety attack after my 3rd child. I also have Jesus, and without Him I would not be here today. I write a blog and have been wanting to go deeper with real life posts. I finally wrote about my experience with depression. I was terrified to hit “post” I still have anxiety and the changing hormones of being in my 40’s have been challenging. BUT that being said, its part of my life story. Continue to reach out and embrace your feelings. It’s not always easy AT ALL, but there is a purpose in every season. I will continue to read your blog. Thanks for sharing your heart!

    Jodi xoxox

  • Lauren @ Hobo Mama

    November 22, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    Thanks for sharing it out loud. Thinking healing and strengthening thoughts for you. It’s not easy, and you already know that.

  • Kim

    November 20, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Anxiety IS a b*tch. It’s like a mudslide — you see it coming but you can’t stop it AT FIRST. You’ll learn, you will. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this – but it’s so good that you ARE dealing with it Look at all you do while ‘not’ coping/dealing. Think of all you WILL do when you have some better skills in place and have resolved some of these triggers. You’re a beautiful, strong, intelligent and independent woman. You asked for help – that take some courage, girlfriend. Well done.

  • t.bird

    November 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    i don’t give e-hugs or whatevers. but i’m thinking about you.
    <3

  • Sonya

    November 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    WOW!! Reading everything you have gone through made me teary eyed! To not have anxiety after going through traumatic experiences like what you have mentioned would be a miracle! I will make sure to say a special prayer for you and your family.

  • Desi

    November 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I’m so sorry Diana. I’m not sorry that you reached out for help though. I know you aren’t too proud to ask for help and I think that is so important. I am no expert, but if you can learn how to deal with your anxiety in a way that you are comfortable with, whether it be drugs or drug-free, that is key. So good for you for getting help and we’re all here with you.

  • Erika @NaMammaSte

    November 19, 2011 at 9:59 am

    <3 You're doing great. I second what Alena said about wanting to say something helpful and typing and then deleting it all. All I can say is, I think you're so strong, and I know you'll get through this one step at a time. You've been through so much and you deserve to take some time for yourself.

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife

    November 19, 2011 at 8:03 am

    This is definitely not something a cup of tea will fix and that’s okay. It took you 6 years to get to this point so it’s going to take you a lot of work to get past this point. The good thing to remember though is that you CAN AND WILL do it! You have so many people in your cheering section too so know you’re not alone.

  • etosia

    November 18, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Anxiety & depression are an m-f-er. It took me two years to learn to cope with my anxiety and panic attacks without meds but it can be done. I had triggers and used to hold it all in till I couldn’t take it then snap but like someone above said if u just work on it daily one day you’ll find yourself in a situation that would have triggered you and you will get through it then have a “holy cow I delt with it like a human” moment! I took some mindfullness courses and swear they help.
    Hang in there!

  • Mae

    November 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Thinking of you, dear. More often than you’d probably imagine, even.

  • Alena

    November 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I have typed over and over. And deleted over and over. I want to say something that will help you know that you aren’t solo in this. But I don’t want to make you feel like I think you don’t have it bad, or that I am trying to compare lives and in some way trying to make one of our lives look worse. I don’t want to say something to add on.

    So. I will just say that you aren’t alone at all. There are people that understand. So much of this is relate-able, and probably all of it is to someone else.

    I love you and I think about you all the time!!!! {and not in the creepy way where I think about that time you wanted to eat my hair while we slept in bed together either….}

    1. Alena

      November 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

      Also I think I failed at my comment. Still.

  • Robnelp

    November 18, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    ummm.. just for the record I am not jayhawkmommy on twitter and have no idea how that got included in my post above…LOL

  • Robnelp

    November 18, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    I’m a man and not a regular reader of your blog but I do follow you on twitter just because I like your writing style. I found you when you wrote the post about moving to El Paso and hating it at the time…anyway, I can’t really offer any wise words about what you are going through except to say there is one universal piece of advice that applies to all situations, never, ever answer the door for Jehovah’s Witnesses! 😉 Hope you feel better soon.

  • Anne-Marie

    November 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    I hate it, too. The anxiety. You see it coming, and you can’t stop it. You try to talk some sense into yourself, but it doesn’t stop, because none of it makes *sense* really anyway. I know this better than anyone should have to; my dad has crippling PTSD, actually, his childhood in general was so traumatic–also no one event as a trigger. He stuffed it all down for most of his life, and he’s suffering so much, now. I got help for my anxiety very young, despite growing up with all the extra anxiety (chicken and egg question here, big time) my blindfolded parents added by refusing to see that the real problems were inside.

    If you need someone to talk to who will just listen and tell you that it WILL get better (if maybe not “all better”) I am here. The diagnoses just describe what you’re going through. They don’t define you. They’re useful as a shorthand for doctors to communicate and, for me, the official name feels like someone else can finally see the monster that’s been stalking me for all these years. I find relief in that, because I used to think if I just tried a little bit harder, I could “pull myself together.”

    I’m so much better than “put together” now; I’m happy. Turns out, I couldn’t be happy and prevent every bad thing I could think of from ever happening all at the same time.

    I’m not a therapist or qualified to give advice, but I’m a good listener. Every Tuesday night, I try to get on Twitter to join the Mental Health and Social Media chat, because there are some excellent listeners there, too. https://twitter.com/#!/mhsmchat

    And by the way? You are one brave woman. To go through everything you describe and then sit in some stranger’s office and talk about it? Relive it? In a short hour? That is hard. Really, really, really hard. A true accomplishment.

  • Cindy

    November 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Diana, thinking about you. I am really sorry. You can do it though, one day at a time friend. <3

  • Stacy

    November 18, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Take things one moment at a time. Big hugs. You are awesome as a mom & wife. And if you ever don’t think so, let me know & I’ll remind you!

  • Mrs. MidAtlantic

    November 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    It’s not going to get better all at once with sunshine! and rainbows! and macaroni necklaces! but it will get a little bit better everyday. You won’t even notice it, but it will get better. One day you’ll be fingerprinting and look up all of a sudden and say, “Woah! I’ve been better for weeks now!”

    Love you!

  • Jen

    November 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    I have depression issues pretty sure thats the first time I have ” put ir out there for the world” its hard, no scratch that its SUPER HARD. I will keep you in my prayers for sure. It doesnt just go away, and at least in my experence it can and does come and go. I do take meds for mine, since I know I cant do it aline, but I know a bunch of people who can. Im proud of you for going and talking to someone, tjat aline can be hard. Love ya Diana! (((HUGS)))

  • Good Girl Gone Green

    November 18, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Oh, D. I am so sorry you are going through all this! One day at a time I guess! Big big big hugs from me to you!! Thinking of you.

  • Alyssa

    November 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Oh, D, I am so so sorry.

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