The past 3 days I’ve been really sick. Well, more like the past couple weeks but really the last 3 days have been the worst, and getting worse.
Sam was home this weekend so he was able to take care of everything, but it was still hard. Hard not to be able to play with Bella, hard to lay on the couch hour after hour and wish I could do something. Even when we did get out for fresh air to the park I spent most of the time sitting and trying not to be sick.
And it’s just massive headaches, stomach aches, and constant nausea. But the kind that puts you flat on your back.
Because it’s slowly getting worse, I started to worry. What if the hyperermesis I had with Bella comes back? What will I do with her from 7am-6pm 5 days a week (sometimes 6)? How much TV can we watch before we both explode? How will I get anything done? We have no food, I can’t cook, the house and laundry need to be done (very badly).
So yesterday, laying on the couch and trying not to move and be very still, Bella tugging at my arm and asking me yet again to play – I lost it. I started to cry, the guilt of it all washing over me as I realized just how much this could impact my little girl. I didn’t want it to. I think part of me had forgotten just what a mess I was last time – physically. I know it’s not going to hurt her to watch a few days of TV, but if I started to throw up again and be as sick as I was – we’re talking months of this. MONTHS.
I spent the day trying to do anything I could to entertain her for a while. Trying to get myself to feel better.
Last night as Sam and I knelt over her in her little bed to pray, I squeezed her hands in mine and said ever so fervently, “Dear Jesus, oh please, don’t let me be this sick again. For Bella, for Sam, for me, please just let this time be a little easier on everyone.”
This morning I woke up and tried something that had never, ever worked while being pregnant with Bella. I ate Saltines before I got out of bed. Sipped water.
And while I was queasy, once it hit me it was almost gone. I ate breakfast without gagging. Played with Bella and read her books. I can feel it – it’s there as a reminder, but it hasn’t taken over.
With Bella, it simply got worse every day. Until by 7 weeks I was so sick they did a u/s on me for twins. It never let up. Never went away. Not for a day, an hour, nothing. I just got to the point where I was on meds and knew I would throw up several times a day my entire pregnancy.
So this? Today? This is a small miracle. It truly is. I will grocery shop this afternoon. I will clean my house. I will play with my child and I will rejoice in the fact that I had today to do it all.