Lately I’ve felt really behind on everything.
It’s a tough spot, mentally, for me. I have a hard time accepting things can be let go for a while and the world won’t fall apart. There is an ever nagging fear inside of me that if I don’t make sure it’s all held together all the time – once it slides away I won’t be able to get it back again.
Like, “OMG IF I LET THE DISHES GO TONIGHT I WILL NEVER.DO.THEM.AGAIN.”
So. Yes. A bit irrational.
It’s rough being sick (the Zofran helps tremendously but I still have hard days) and not being able to do at the level I was doing. I get tired really easily. If I don’t catch a short nap when Bella naps I pass out on the couch at 9pm. Sam is a huge help but with 12 hour days there isn’t a whole lot he can do on the weekdays. Bella is 2. So there’s that. lol.
But the hardest parts right now are the lack of energy I have with Bella, and not being able to cook. Those bother me. I know it won’t be forever, hopefully by second tri things will change, but for now I’ll just wallow in my own, irrational guilt about it. :p
Cooking used to be what I did to unwind at the end of the day. Bella would play and I would zone out into prep and measuring and it was just a great way to finish things up. Now I can hardly bear to open the fridge. Any time of day. Dinner is a dreaded event. Leftovers make me want to hurl. Anything left sitting out makes me gag. And cleaning it up?
We don’t have the money to eat out all the time, or for a housekeeper, or anything like that. So it’s just up to me – and I really don’t want to do it as much as I did. But some of it does have to be done, regardless of how tired I am. We have to eat. I have to do laundry. Bills need to be paid. The dishes have to be put away.
When people (trying to be helpful) tell me to “Just let it go!” I often wonder who on earth they think will come in and take care of it all? What will we eat, wear, or do if I just let it go?
I know it will get easier as I get into a new routine. That this will take time for me to feel comfortable again, just like when the baby is here and it starts all over. I just wish I didn’t put such a trip on myself every day as I try to let go a little. Focus on Bella and just the basic needs and not let the rest get to me so much.