I loved Cool Runnings.
I’d say 75% of the time I am thinking of the what if’s and the unknowns to come. Still trying to wrap my head around having two babies here at one time. I can’t. There is a point where my thoughts simply can’t go any further – like if you imagine eternity and it blacks out and overloads your brain. That’s how twins is for me.
And with this, it’s hard to write about my actual feelings. There was SO much I wanted to change with how I handled another baby this time around. Another pregnancy. As excited and thankful and grateful as I am for my babies, there is a part of me that wrestles with the sadness of a new normal when I didn’t even manage to get the old one right most of the time. There is a constant nagging of all my expectations being changed and altered and in many people’s eyes – I will fail. It might not matter to some, you might think I should just get over it. But those are my feelings and it’s real to me.
It matters to me. I wanted my version of perfect.
Like I wrote about in another post, it’s hard for me to let some of it go. To see the articles and comments that blatantly critique and poke fun of things I know I may have to do. I can rationalize in my head that some of this is hype – and a lot of it has to do with an extreme type of parenting many want to educate others not to do.
Which I get and support. No child should be left for hours in a crib to cry. Bonding is wonderful if you can do it right after birth. Etc. But it’s still hard to read the extremes and then tell myself most children who are simply loved and cared for grow up just fine – regardless of how long their umbilical cord was left attached. I have great respect for moms who simply push these things to the side and do what works for them.
I know that as things go along, the words of well meaning people who are convinced they needed to push their beliefs off on everyone will haunt me. I will sit and do my very best with my babies as their voices (and my own) ring in my head about all the things I’ve done wrong, how my children (statistically) might not live up to others because I had two and had to make totally different choices than they did.
And this pisses me the hell off.
I want to know I’m doing the best I can. Then and now. I want to be confident in my decisions about my children – but it’s hard when I know people out there pity me or them. Or are out to watch me have to eat my words and change my mind.
When I feel like this, I remember I can do this. I will do this. I will not have a perfect pregnancy, birth, or even first few years. It will never be perfect, and I won’t let it be because pretending nothing ever went wrong is messed up. You’ll come on here and see me stumble and fall and cry and be a big baby over things – while holding down the fort with three under 3, and doing my damnedest to make sure my kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don’t have any.other.choice.
Hopefully you’ll see a woman like the ones I admire, who are able to let the snide comments and smugness roll off their thick skins because they know how they parent is best for their family. You’ll see my kids beat all the odds everyone jumps through hoops to make – because it’s love above anything else that shapes a child. I believe that.
You’ll see me grow and change and turn to God when I am desperate. You’ll see a woman who struggled through things she never imagined just to make sure her kids lived.
You’ll see a badass mother of 3 who don’t take no crap off of nobody. That’s who you’ll see.