19 weeks and 4 days

May 9, 2012

I sit here on the eve of the loss of my boys thinking about how these past 7 days have seemed almost endless at times. How I have struggled to get past the feeling of, “Will this day ever end?” and dreading nap and nighttime for the silence they bring.

I have gone through a full range of emotions each day, wave after wave hits me as life returns to some normalcy here – it has to. I have a daughter and a husband and my mom here – I have bills and calls and things to take care of. As much as I’d like to spend each day in bed, I can’t. And if it came down to it, I wouldn’t want to. I feel worse.

One of the things I’ve grieved the loss of is my pregnancy. I miss it. I miss being pregnant, as hard as it was and as sick as I was. I miss the feeling of the twins rolling around and the pictures I took each week for the blog posts on here. I was 20 weeks on Sunday. That was a hard, hard day. I didn’t take a pic in the bathroom with my iPhone and write up a fun post to go with it. 

It happened so fast that I barely had time to realize it was over. I came home and put away my maternity clothes because I couldn’t bear to wear them anymore. And that was that. I was not pregnant and each morning when I woke up the first thought that screamed across my exhausted brain was, “You’re not pregnant and you lost your sons.” Then I sobbed for the empty feeling of the weeks I never got to carry them, the belly I thought I would have in the coming months, the stretch marks that never got to appear this time, the heartburn and pregnancy waddle and the way I couldn’t turn over in bed without it taking 5 minutes and waking Sam up.

I ache for that. I long to get on here and post about them and what’s coming up.

Today as we took Bella to the park, I was thinking of how much I missed it and how unfair it all was that I barely got to be pregnant and I realized – that was my pregnancy. Start to finish. It was just shorter. But I got a full one. I got to post about it on here even before I was, to tell you all about each ultrasound, to announce it was twins and then it was identical and then that they were boys. I got to take pics and have a belly and labor with them and as hard as it was, I got to kiss each of them and tell them how much I loved them. Sam and I loved every minute we had of this ride – cut short as it was.

I had a pregnancy. I am a mom of twins. I have sons. I have 3 children. I watched 2 of them live their entire lives in front of me. I wouldn’t trade the memories or the posts I wrote on here for anything. My sons lived here and in our lives far beyond before they were even born. I’m so thankful I documented this entire journey.

It might have been only 19 weeks and 4 days, it might have ended far too soon, I miss it all so much it hurts, but oh, what a blessed time it was.

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