The Other Stuff

May 15, 2012

In between the life changes and losing the boys, there has been the rest of our days. And since a lot of it I’d been blogging on before all this happened, I figured I might take a day to update what else has been going on.

First off, Bella is potty trained except for nap and night, which is to be expected at this point. We can go anywhere with just underwear on and she will pee in whatever potty is available. However, someone forgot to tell me potty training is more of a pain than diapers. Really. Every time she goes, I have to stand in the doorway. Then help her wipe. Then help her pull up her pants. Then dump the pee. Then wash hands. Then give a candy.

Remember the days I used to change a diaper, throw it in the bin and be done?


But, pain or not, this day had to come and as it goes on it will get easier.

I’ve taken a writing job with I’ll be over there each Tuesday writing on an aspect of military life – this is something I was going to start last month but then everything happened and I told the gigs I had that I needed to focus on the babies. Now I really want to find that routine again. I’m excited to be writing for them.

My Facebook page is all jacked up. I deactivated my account for a few days after all this and in the process my page kicked me off as admin. And although it still shows me in the apps as an admin, and I can add others, neither I or anyone else can do anything as the page.

I kind of want to stab FB for this glitch. Bear with me as I figure out how to post over there again.

I’ve left comments off because – in all honesty – I don’t think I could deal with anything unkind. And I’m a wuss but I simply can’t emotionally handle a lot more right now, one off comment about my sons or what we went through might tip me over. But I appreciate all the tweets, FB messages, and emails you send.

We are leaving for a short getaway today – taking my camera and hoping to get some fun shots of us and the places we see. We hardly ever get to do this but with Sam having time off and no where for us to be, it’s important for us to start making new memories and having things to look forward to.

I found the 17 week ultrasound pics in my drawer the other night. That was hard. Really hard. I have their hospital pics in my closet along with handprints and footprints but I can’t look at them yet.

Last night Sam and I got online to tentatively look at adoption again. Very soon – yes. But if you’ve been reading me long, you know this has been on my heart since before we got pregnant with Bella. And I don’t want the loss of my sons or the pain in my heart to hold us back from having the family we want and we wanted them to have been a part of. And to our surprise, India is open again – when we had considered it last fall it was closed. Open and just about the only one (age wise) we qualify completely for. So we are praying and contacting the agency and seeing if this is what God has planned for us next. Taking it very slow. This doesn’t mean we won’t try to get pregnant again ever. Just maybe not for a while.

And I wanted to say thank you so very much for all of you that have written about me, to me, for me, called, texted, sent cards and flowers and packages, brought meals, offered to watch Bella, and were simply there to lend a supportive shoulder. I know I owe many of you emails and I thank you for your patience. You all have been amazing through this. It might seem strange to some people that I continue to write and air my grief publicly through this process, but I don’t have any other outlet. This is so much a part of who I am, writing is so therapeutic for me.

So thank you for being a part of this with me..

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