Lately I’ve thought almost everyday about the post I wrote “When God Says No,” because it’s hard to comprehend why we were told no in having Preston and Julian here. There are many times in the day I struggle to understand why His plan is the right one. And I don’t like it.
And I don’t have to.
No one says we have to like the path we’re shown all the time. Even in the middle of adoption, this path, plain and simple, really sucks.
But then I’m reminded God knows what is to come – and what was to come. I don’t believe the boys dying was His “will” as some have told me, and neither does our (Christian) counselor, but rather a fact of life. Some live long lives, some die. It isn’t God’s will to take premature babies home, or sick old people suffer, or have sudden tragedies happen, nor is it a punishment, but we live in a broken world and so that’s what happens. And I hate that for all of us. I don’t like being told “No” anyway, but to have it done in a way that your children are taken makes it that much more hard to comprehend.
Last night as I climbed into bed, I paused to look at the small mound of books on my desk and my eye caught on one I hadn’t seen in a couple months.
It has a daily verse but then Max Lucado goes on to share about what it means in a short story/explanation. It’s pretty phenomenal and there have been many times in my life over the past few years I’ve turned to it.
As I read the one for June 4th, a thought flashed through my head. “I wonder what it was on the day the boys died?”
Now, I knew that out of 365 verses and stories the chances of it having anything to do with that day in particular (or my sorrow/anger) were slim. I often get myself all hyped up by things like this (when I was younger I was a tester: “If I turn this corner and Sam is in the hallway by his locker in a green shirt, then he likes me.”) But I flipped back to May 3rd and honest to goodness, almost dropped the book in shock.
How amazing is that? Did I like the message? Still no. But how incredible that what I struggle with the most in losing the boys, the life we were going to have, and all the memories we did and didn’t get to make – those were all here. On the day they were born and died.
So I went to bed and thanked God for what I do have, what I did get, whatever path I’m on.