One of Those Moments

June 5, 2012

Lately I’ve thought almost everyday about the post I wrote “When God Says No,” because it’s hard to comprehend why we were told no in having Preston and Julian here. There are many times in the day I struggle to understand why His plan is the right one. And I don’t like it.

And I don’t have to. 

No one says we have to like the path we’re shown all the time. Even in the middle of adoption, this path, plain and simple, really sucks.

But then I’m reminded God knows what is to come – and what was to come. I don’t believe the boys dying was His “will” as some have told me, and neither does our (Christian) counselor, but rather a fact of life. Some live long lives, some die. It isn’t God’s will to take premature babies home, or sick old people suffer, or have sudden tragedies happen, nor is it a punishment, but we live in a broken world and so that’s what happens. And I hate that for all of us. I don’t like being told “No” anyway, but to have it done in a way that your children are taken makes it that much more hard to comprehend.

Last night as I climbed into bed, I paused to look at the small mound of books on my desk and my eye caught on one I hadn’t seen in a couple months.

It has a daily verse but then Max Lucado goes on to share about what it means in a short story/explanation. It’s pretty phenomenal and there have been many times in my life over the past few years I’ve turned to it.

As I read the one for June 4th, a thought flashed through my head. “I wonder what it was on the day the boys died?”

Now, I knew that out of 365 verses and stories the chances of it having anything to do with that day in particular (or my sorrow/anger) were slim. I often get myself all hyped up by things like this (when I was younger I was a tester: “If I turn this corner and Sam is in the hallway by his locker in a green shirt, then he likes me.”) But I flipped back to May 3rd and honest to goodness, almost dropped the book in shock.

How amazing is that? Did I like the message? Still no. But how incredible that what I struggle with the most in losing the boys, the life we were going to have, and all the memories we did and didn’t get to make – those were all here. On the day they were born and died.

So I went to bed and thanked God for what I do have, what I did get, whatever path I’m on.

——————

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27 Comments

  • Tina

    June 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Wow… wow! Sometimes no is good, I wouldn’t have my daughter if I didn’t loose my son. I don’t like it, it was the most horrible, saddest time of my life… but I wouldn’t change it. I thank him for my daughter… and my son.

  • Christine

    June 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

    That’s amazing. That message was meant for you. I’m just sorry that it’s such an agonizing one for you to hear and to experience.

  • Jennifer Lee

    June 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Diana.. I googled 15w2d preg w twins to see what I would get since thats my current as of today. I am SO SO SORRY for you & your family’s loss. I liked ur post and then went on to see what had happened since the April post and ended up in tears, awe and a disconnected sense of affection. I like ur spunk, ur wit and ur realness and I feel for you. May God bring you all peace in the way only He can and may He watch over them always <3

  • grace at {Gabbing with Grace}

    June 10, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    I’ve been using a daily devo for awhile now…one I really love (Seeking God’s Face) anyway, there are MANY MANY times I feel like that particular day was written just for me, ordained by God himself. It’s crazy. Anyway, I’m glad you were able to take comfort in it.

  • Katie

    June 8, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    I too do not believe it’s God’s will that there be any pain. The world is broken and with that is pain. God’s will is the good. And he makes it happen despite the broken, painful world we live in. But oh how hard that is when he has to say no to us. So. damn. hard.

    And I know it wasn’t the point of your post, but I have been looking for a good devotional and I think I just found it. Thank you!

  • Katie McAleece

    June 7, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Sometimes God does say no. Sometimes he says not right now, sometimes he says here’s a small piece but not the whole loaf, sometimes he doesn’t say anything at all and just realizing he’s God and he is completely in control has to be enough for us.

    Another beautiful, well written blog with so much depth and simplicity at once.

  • Amanda

    June 6, 2012 at 4:32 am

    After losing my first son almost 4 years ago, at 4 months old, due to his prematurity and other complications, I also did a lot of questioning. I did trust God, but I didn’t understand why he had chosen us to live a life without this precious boy and to have had to watch him come into the world as he did. I went through a lot of devotionals, trying to find one that fit fit for my mind at the time and that Max Lucado one was the winner. I loved it. It helped open my mind to the idea of being a bigger part of God’s plan and knowing that he had awesome things in mind for us, while keeping Jacob a huge part of our lives, even without him being on Earth with us.

  • Jacquelyn

    June 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    It took my breath away when I saw the title on that date. What an awesome and amazing God we serve.

    I just had a “ah ha” moment… something that I’m sure I’ve heard numerous times makes sense through your words…

    It’s not that it is God’s will but it is a result of living in a broken world.

    that’s good Diana.

  • Teresa

    June 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Wow. Just wow.

  • Abigail

    June 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    This gave me chills. God really is incredible.

  • Kendra

    June 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    I really liked what you said about God’s “will.” I believe the same thing. You said it so perfectly. I’m glad you had that moment. 🙂

  • Stacy

    June 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I get a daily word emailed to me and there are just those days where the message just really hits home. That is so amazing for you that you can understand that you have to trust God.

  • Rebecca

    June 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I absolutely love these moments. They truly are a gift and I think God delights in seeing them come together 🙂

    1. Anne-Marie

      June 5, 2012 at 12:00 pm

      Yes, those moments are a gift! I cherish every one. (Even when I feel like throwing a tantrum at God for not giving me everything I want.)

  • sarah

    June 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

    God allows evil to bring good from it. He cannot cause evil in that He is all good. What a beautiful sign – I hope it gave you comfort knowing that Jesus is right there with you every step of this painful journey.

  • Julie

    June 5, 2012 at 11:17 am

    We spent 4 years trying to get pregnant. With Help we finally had a daughter we named Stella. I desperately wanted her to have a sibling so we soon returned to the doctors. After trying for a whole with no success I was watching a movie one night. The couple had a grown daughter named Stella. The woman said, “I prayed and prayed for another child, but God said no. There’s nothing you can do when God says no.” It took my breathe away. I thought surely it was a sign for me and I just sobbed!

  • Ruth Hill

    June 5, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Wow! I am constantly amazed at how God brings us just the right message at the right time–even though we don’t like it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I don’t pretend to understand what you are going through–honestly, I never ever would. But your statement about it not being God’s will reminded me about how I felt during my unexpected divorce. I remember beating myself up at that point because I messed up. God’s will is never divorce, and yet it happened to me. I couldn’t understand. I should never have married the man. But then I wouldn’t be where I am today, and I wouldn’t have my daughter. God and I worked through that over at least a 2 year period.

    May God be with you and your family in a very special way as you continue to deal with your loss. It reminds me of two country songs that address this issue. (Okay, sorry, I am a music person.) There is the current single by Miranda Lambert “Over You” (written by her husband in memory of his older brother being killed in a car accident) and Danny Gokey “I Will Not Say Goodbye” (written about his wife who tragically died shortly after their marriage).

    Sorry I was long-winded.

  • Muzette from busybusybusylife

    June 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Diana,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and have shared in your sadness, although I can’t possibly feel what you and your family are feeling. I was touched today by God’s love for you. Its like a parent comforting a child – the pain you feel that your child is hurt, and the fierce protective love that makes you want to “magic” all the pain away, while knowing this is something they have to get through. I love how God loves you. Thank you for sharing so transparently, you journey and gut-wrenching grief through this time. I will continue to pray for you and your family, and will love your posts along the way.

    Muzette

  • Meredith @ La Buena Vida

    June 5, 2012 at 9:07 am

    What a GIFT Diana.

    I totally agree with you about God not CAUSING the death of children (or anyone really), and death not being his will. I think I’ve mentioned in a comment before that God is faithful to redeem all situations in our lives, and he loves us so much that he works even those situations that he doesn’t like and didn’t cause for good in our lives. I truly believe that applies here as well– I don’t believe that God likes that Preston and Julian died. I don’t believe he caused it. I believe he’s crying right there with you every step of the way. But I *DO* believe that he can and will bring good, even of this.

  • Angela (@MommyMomentMom)

    June 5, 2012 at 8:49 am

    WOW Diana! How GREAT is our God!

  • Ashley

    June 5, 2012 at 8:47 am

    That gave me chills!

  • melissa

    June 5, 2012 at 8:38 am

    *goosebumps* I love when He shows us He is still there and listening when its do hard for us to believe. He’s definitely walking this with you. <3

  • stephanie

    June 5, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Goosebumps. How simply wonderful to still be able to see that God is there for us always. Even when it isn’t the answer we want.

  • Stacy

    June 5, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I got goosebumps & have tears in my eyes. Wow.

    1. Jess

      June 5, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      Wow. Me too. Unbelievable.

  • Jen

    June 5, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Amazing! I love that, not that its perfect but it was there just waiting for you. I also dont believe in his will (well not in the way most peo and for sure not for punishment. I do believe we go through things to help strengthen us, and help us as well as others.

  • Lenette

    June 5, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Wow. God never ceases to meet us right where we need Him. We may not know the whys, but we do know Romans 8:28. I hold to that promise.

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