We bought a minivan 13 weeks into my twin pregnancy.
I remember telling Sam in the dealership, tired and hungry at 9pm, that we should wait. Our ultrasound appointment was in 2 days and anything could have happened. He said we should go ahead, we needed a new car anyway and he was sure it would all be ok.
So we did. That appointment was perfect, the boys were right on track. We left giddy and excited.
For the next 5 weeks, I climbed in and out of that minivan and would think, “Wow, it’s like I’m really all grown up now.” And giggle. 29 years old. A toddler. Twins on the way. Moves and life changes and working from home – and a minivan made me feel like an adult. I always wondered when that feeling would set it. Many times I’d look in the rearview mirror and see Bella and think, “Wow, I’m a mom.” Or catch a glimpse of myself as someone who wasn’t in 7th grade anymore. Or buying from the women’s department instead of the teen girls (who have much cuter stuff) and wondering when I’d made the switch.
Who knew it would take a minivan?
Only it didn’t. That wasn’t really it. It took losing my sons 6 weeks later. And coming home to my little girl who needed her mother.
I have a feeling of – old beyond my years now that I never did before. And not in some “holier than thou” kind of way. Like in a sad, tired kind of way. I’ve had two babies die in my arms, kissed my sons goodbye, picked up their ashes at a funeral home, had a memorial service for them. I feel a sadness every day of how my life took the turn I have always and forever feared it might. I know that every time I see twin boys my heart will ache so badly for mine. I have a daughter whose life is affected by my choices, who I wake up every day and vow to be a better person for.
I have joined a rank of women no one really wants to be in – those touched forever by the loss of their children. I have experienced feelings and emotions so deep, so raw, that I can’t ever be the same person I was before. I look at life differently and in a way that makes me afraid to breath at times for all it’s frailness. How quickly it can be snatched away. I know. I know how quickly. I’ve experienced deep sorrow, deep love, deep happiness, and deep faith.
This is what it took. It’s kinda bittersweet. I won’t ever be that innocent or carefree again. I see myself in a different role than ever before.
I feel all grown up now.