Nice Girls Don’t Write About Their Dead Babies

July 12, 2012

I used to stumble upon baby loss blogs. Read, shed a tear, poke my nose into their lives and pain, and then click the tiny red X and thank the sweet baby Jesus that wasn’t my mess of a life to deal with.

I felt safe. If I didn’t go back, read them intentionally, or leave a comment – it was like it didn’t happen. It didn’t. It happened to others – way far away, but not to me. Not to the people I knew.

Besides, who wrote about that? Who went on and on and on about something that morbid and awful instead of just picking up the pieces and moving on? What were they trying to accomplish with it all?

Then in a span of about 3 months, 3 of my friends lost their babies. All from multiple pregnancies.

I watched each of them cope in a unique way. I tried to offer my comfort and support but felt so inadequate doing so. I had no idea how it felt and I was lost and reached out but wasn’t sure what else to do. I loved them and I began to see when you write, you write about it all. But I struggled if that was ok to do.

Then it happened to me. The unthinkable. After all, I did it all “right”. I blogged on my pregnancy, took pictures, was excited, talked about it even before I was pregnant. I was prepared and then blown away by twins and then all those emotions and sorting it all out – all on here. All publicly.

All getting ready for the day I’d introduce them both to you all and we’d share those memories of them growing up – just like with Bella. You’d get to do this with me.

Then they died.

And I was left with this gaping hole of pain so deep I had absolutely no idea what to do with it. None. I felt like someone had torn my heart out and punched me over and over, beat me till I was left begging for mercy because it hurt so bad.

So I wrote. I wrote the day they died, because I simply had to. I kept writing to ease my pain, because when I was done it was like a ton of bricks was lifted off my chest and the tears came but they didn’t hurt as bad after it. I wrote to keep my sons in my memory and in yours just a little longer. To make you understand that although I’m the baby loss blogger now – I’m still here. Still me. Please don’t leave, please don’t do what I did and click out because the pain is too much and you can’t fathom it happening to you.

Then I kept writing about it. I still am. And I know, I know there are people out there who think I’ve done this all wrong. That what I’ve done is a terrible thing to post this mess all on here and expect comments and tweets and emails. That “nice” girls don’t exploit their dead babies and birth stories. They keep that to themselves. Especially if their story gains attention in any way. That’s all wrong. Death and sorrow should be kept to oneself.

But I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve never been good at keeping things to myself. I found a community of women on here that I would have never found anywhere else. Who write and grieve and pray and love my babies and pour their hearts out over me. I found other women who have written their children’s stories and short lives. Who grieve online. Instead of painful, it’s a comfort.

I might not do “perfect” on here, I may take my pain and try to turn it into something people read and connect with, I might blog on things that make people who have never been through such a loss uncomfortable. But I’ve seen amazing things come out of this – not because of me, but because of those of you who stayed. Who, whether you know this pain or not, chose to come alongside me for this.

I was so terrified that you’d all go away and leave me here with my pain. I wouldn’t have blamed you. But you stayed.

And I kept writing because that’s who I am.

I kept writing because those are MY kids. And I’m really sorry that they didn’t get to be cute babies with lots of rolls and that the moments I share on here aren’t of them in a new outfit or about their first steps. They’re dead so we’ll never get those. I just got what I got. 19 weeks and 4 days. But they are still mine. They are still a part, a big part, of my life. I won’t stop talking or writing about them – ever.

I’m their mother and those moments of my pregnancy and in the hospital are the only moments and memories I’ll ever have. And I would have shared every moment of their birth and lives on here if they had lived. My joy, my pride, my happiness in them.

So they didn’t live – but they are still mine. And I choose to share the different, painful, fleeting moments. My anger, grief, and fear. As do so many others out there I now stumble upon and thank God they do.

This is where God has put my path and called me to be. He lays on my heart the ability to write, to share, to lay out my pain and sorrow on here. If He were to say, “Enough, too far” I would stop. But my heart yearns to write, to connect with you all. To change the way someone feels about a woman who loses a baby. To show that it’s ok to talk about your children if they didn’t live. It’s ok to grieve in public. It’s ok to push the limits on social niceties.

It’s ok for life to fall apart and want to share about it.

I’ve struggled with this for 2 1/2 years with blogging publicly. Feeling like I was always too dramatic or over the top about things. Or that I needed to blog on less touchy topics. Losing the boys made me understand that this is my life – and I write it. The good, the bad, the ugly. And if it makes someone uncomfortable or shocks them, they can leave. I did. And I’m so sorry now, because I get it.

I may not be a “nice” girl. But I’m a child of God. And those are my babies. And I write about my life.

All of it.

73 Comments

  • Beth

    July 31, 2012 at 9:49 am

    I must not be a nice girl, either, because I write about my stillborn daughter, and the resulting grief, often. I think it’s okay. Good, even, because these things don’t get talked about enough, leaving those of us experiencing them feeling so much worse than if it was all just out in the open. Keep writing. “Nice” is overrated.

  • Teresa

    July 23, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Thinking of your boys today!

  • Kim

    July 20, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    We have just lived through our four year anniversary of Theo’s birth and death. Every year I unintentionally become so ill at this time that I lose a month. I try to grieve freely and healthily – for myself, but mostly for our three living children. In the first year I wrote constantly about how we were coping, but never published any of it, and then I stopped writing. I felt the pressure to move on. But look, each year, I am stopped in my tracks by my grief. You keep on writing. It clearly does you and many others good.

  • Autumn Beck

    July 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Of course you will write about your sons! This is your blog and they are a part of your life!

  • Jessica B

    July 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    You’re a blessing to others -I’m glad you write! I’m praying for you and your family.

  • MAmom

    July 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Stand up for your boys and never let anyone let you feel bad for it. They are your boys. They are your family. In my attempts to build my beautiful family I have had three babies go to heaven before I got to hold them and love on them. As grateful as I am for the two amazing children I have with me, the deaths of my children is a pain I carry every day. I wanted to show off my boys the way I got to show off my son and daughter here. I wanted the surprise of who they would look like and what color eyes they would have. Would they have been chatter boxes like their mama or slower out of their shells like daddy? I love them the same as anyone here with me. I pray for them the same and celebrate the milestones that I can. I wait for the day that I get to be with them again. I am trying to make the best of the time in between for sure, but I will not be forgetting my squirmy, summer-saulting, kicking me in the ribs all nite, never letting me eat the jalepenos I craved so much without paying for them later, little bundles of joy and hope that I love so much and I won’t let anyone make me feel ungrateful or uncomfortable for it! They ARE my babies…I just have to wait a lot longer to meet them.
    Keep writing…it helps the rest of us stand up taller.

  • Meg Horvath

    July 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

    Keep writing. You’re amazing.

  • Jane @ The Hesitant Housewife

    July 17, 2012 at 4:06 am

    I only found your blog today, this is the first post i have read, and it is beautiful. I lost twins, about 5 years ago, only at 12 weeks, so I can’t fully comprehend your loss, but 100% agree that you should write about it, if that’s what you need/want. I am with you, and will continue to read and follow your journey. My deepest sympathies to you and your family on the loss of your precious babies. xx

  • Jessica

    July 16, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    Oh how I identify with this post, I have struggled and still struggle with how often to talk about the loss of my daughter. If people will think I’m nuts for talking about her like it was just yesterday the last time I held her when it has been over 4 years and if people click away as I used to because it’s too much and too morbid to think about. But ultimately, I HAVE to write through it, I just have to. It’s the only way to work through this grief and if I don’t write my true feelings then I’m not being true to myself or anyone who stops by to read.

  • Gayle Robertson

    July 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Dear Diana,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. I know that many will be encouraged by your words. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. <3

  • On Loss » Baby Baby Lemon

    July 16, 2012 at 3:49 am

    […] it. My friend Diana is much more open than I am. I strongly encourage you to read her amazing post Nice Girls Don’t Write About Dead Babies. Go read the words of a brave, brave mother. And then come back here tomorrow while I […]

  • Week In Review: 5

    July 15, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    […] just keep knocking them out of the park, Diana wrote a post about why she writes: “Nice Girls Don’t Write About Their Dead Babies.” So many of us live lives affected by tragedies great and small, and we write. We write […]

  • Shannon

    July 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    I stumbled upon your blog through Babble and have been reading it for several months. I’ve cried hearing yout story. If writing helps you, then keep doing it. Who cares if others don’t agree, this is your life, your family. I prafor you and your family as you go through this loss.

  • Katie McAleece

    July 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

    simply incredible.

    never stop writing.

  • razfabulous

    July 14, 2012 at 9:26 am

    This is my first time reading your blog and I just wanted to tell you how wonderfully it is written and how deeply it touched me. Write about whatever you want. It is not only healing and helpful for you but for the women who don’t have their own words to write. That is why we share.

  • Cameron

    July 13, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    I’m thankful that the web is what it is now so you can share your story. I’m grateful for your and your writing.

  • Cate

    July 13, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    This is a wonderful post, Diana. I often wonder whether or not I should write about my more difficult experiences (trigger warning – forced abortion, gang rape, years of abuse and rape, PTSD, etc) because I feel like I’m throwing myself a big pity party. But then I remember that EVERY time I write a post like that, I get a few emails from women telling me how thankful they are that I wrote them, because they thought they were the only ones.

    That’s what gives me the strength to keep it up.

  • jessclark

    July 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    it’s so right that you write, because it’s cathartic and meaningful to you, and secondly, because it gives a voice to a lot of women who don’t have the words for their grief. that’s not to say you’ll never need a break from telling your story; you probably will at some point. I’m thankful for your processing-out-loud, so much of what you say resonates with my own life. Joining the community of loss was never something I planned on, but now I appreciate life so much more deeply, and some of my closest friends are women who have had similar experiences… it just brings everything into perspective.

    <3

  • sarah

    July 13, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Keep writing. It helps you grieve and heal. It comforts others. It’s a beautiful witness to life in a culture that devalues life. I’m shocked that someone would criticize someone else for grieving their children – whether they have other children or not. Each and every life is precious, unique, and unrepeatable.

  • Alejandra

    July 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    My little girl past away two months ago. I carried her for 37 weeks and she lived four days. I don’t have a blog, but I post things on fb from time to time about my grief. Most of the time people don’t comment but when they do its like they just want me to keep it to myself. These are not happy posts and they don’t like them. I feel just like you, this is my life and I can share whatever I want to share, if people don’t like it, they can stop reading me.

  • Tina

    July 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

    People give me looks all the time when I talk about my son, I do it less and less because of those looks. I am so lucky I met a friend near the end of my pregnancy who had lost her son, she has been the one person I’ve been able to call or text at any moment when I was having a hard time. In fact, I should tell her right now how amazing she is! I remember her telling her story and thinking how it would never happen to me, and it did. It’s so easy to avoid and turn away.

  • Tori

    July 13, 2012 at 9:49 am

    You are are brave. Sharing joy is easy–sharing sadness is difficult. But sharing it is so essential, and I hope you continue to courageously share. Your strength, your ability to share, and your gift of expression are all blessings. Thank you for sharing.

  • Ruth Hill

    July 13, 2012 at 9:47 am

    I have read your story for probably 2-3 years now. You were one of the first blogs I read. And when you wrote about your struggle with family alcoholism, my heart cried for you. I didn’t know how I felt back then, but I did no unsubscribe. I even remember that you were on of the first bloggers I “friended” on facebook. I was new to the blogworld, and I was not even blogging yet.

    I don’t remember when I noticed things changed for you, but I was so glad when you began to blog about God. I watched the change, and I was amazed at the miracle I saw. When God restored your family, and then when you announced your pregnancy, I was so happy for you. You are one of the few bloggers who is “real” out there. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that in you.

    I happened to check my facebook feed the day you said things were not going so well in the hospital. I hoped and prayed that all would be fine. When I read that your babies died, I was absolutely saddened. Your story is one of the few stories I actually talk about with my mom. Lots of times, I don’t tell her much about the blogs I follow. I spend more time talking about what I am blogging about.

    I applaud the way you have handled everything. I cannot imagine your situation. But I think you made a smart decision when you blogged abuot it. I know you are touching countless people with your story. Many are not even writing about it, I am sure.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep up the good work, my dear sister in Christ. And at least we have God to hold onto. You will see your little boys again. That does not diminish your sorrow, but we can say like King David did when his little baby died. “He will not come to me, but I will go to him.”

    Please don’t think I am trying to minimize your loss. I know sometimes the written word does not come across the right way. Have a blessed day, and grieve as often as you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you differently!

  • Miranda

    July 13, 2012 at 9:42 am

    Write, especially if it’s helping you. No one can tell you how to grieve. And I might not know what you’re going through but I pray for you and I trust that God is doing a mighty work in you. Xo.

  • Christi

    July 13, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Keep doing what you are doing, keep writing, we random readers across the internets are here reading and praying for you.

  • Shawn

    July 13, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Yes. This is your space to share your thoughts and open your heart. Those who are uncomfortable can leave, but those of us who empathize and sympathize sure are glad you have the gift of writing to help you heal. You’re great, and you have more people supporting you than you’ll probably ever know.

  • melissa

    July 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Hugs friend. I will never stop praying for your strength and comfort from your past anjd joy and hope that I KNOW your future holds.

  • Meredith

    July 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

    You are amazing, I stumbled onto you through The Pioneer Woman and I come everyday to read what you write. You are an inspiration and very brave. Keep it up.

  • Danielle S

    July 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Ing of time.

  • Danielle S

    July 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Just like some of the women above, I stumbled on you a while back and have certainly have gone thru the process of grieving your loss right along with you, and look forward to rejoicing with you as your adoption(s) move forward and new life comes to your family. I have been thru losses of babies 5 times now myself, a twin loss (one of the two) confirmed just last month even, and it certainly never gets easier… But I rejoice in knowing there is no suffering where they are now, and how I look forward to the day when I get to finally hold them! Though we may never learn the “why” in any of these experiences, He promises to work all things together for our good, and I try to find peace in knowing that nothing happens He hasn’t already known about since the beginn

  • Bethanygp

    July 13, 2012 at 8:29 am

    Keep writing. God is using this as your outlet and an encouragement to others. I started reading your blog right before you found out you were pregnant with your boys. I won’t stop reading now. God bless you.

  • Jennifer

    July 13, 2012 at 8:19 am

    Dear Diana,
    I lost my first baby and I thought if I kept all the pain and grief inside it wouldn’t hurt as bad. That was so far from the truth. Sometimes healing takes talking about what you feel. If this is how you heal then this is what you need to do. I still weep for your loss (and any other mother who loses a child) and I pray for you every time God brings you to my mind. Reading about someones loss tears me up but I can’t click out because I would never want someone to “click” out when I was sharing my heart with them. Keep writing, keep sharing you heart.

  • Joy@BundlesOfJoy

    July 13, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Nice girls do help others. Nice girls do make themselves vulnerable to support others that feel vulnerable. Nice girls do things that help other nice girls feel better.
    And that’s what you do.
    Keep it up.

  • Kim

    July 13, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Yup. Well said, my dear, well said. And ditto to Alexia, Rebecca and BethAnn. 🙂 Those girls know how to say it!

  • Janet Carter

    July 13, 2012 at 8:17 am

    I have a young friend who is in the hospital right now, 25 weeks, trying desperately to hang on to a pregnancy that seems determined to end. And I thought of you and wish so I could connect you to her. Her baby is just one baby, a boy, with health problems all his own. Her first. She is sad and I am sad for her. I have been there, though long ago, and you have been there, and only those who have been there can really grieve with you.

  • Christine

    July 13, 2012 at 8:13 am

    You’re a writer. That’s what you do. And it’s not because you get paid to do it, it’s because you’re passionate about it. It’s natural, it’s instinctive. It’s you. Never worry about what you’re writing. Just write.

  • elizabeth

    July 13, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Your story has given me hope. I know that if something happened, I can go through it and still look to God, because of you and your precious boys. A friend of mine lost a baby several years ago. She was so hurt, and I believe that moment shattered her hopes, and it was the beginning of the end of her faith. That frightened me. I understood why she was angry. It was HER grief, not mine. But, I was always left wondering, would my faith buckle under the weight of such a loss? I’ve never been one to blame God for the bad in my life, but would I if I lost a child? I know now, no I would not. Loss doesn’t frighten me anymore. My heart may tremble under the weight, but my faith will stand strong. I thank you for that.

  • jessica

    July 13, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Diana,
    I admire you for openness. I have prayed for you during your struggle and I won’t stop coming here. I am sure you have helped many women in similar situations cope with their loss. May God continue to hold you in his harms and help you through your grief.

  • Melissa R Haynie

    July 13, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I found you because of your sons. I joined a support group of prayer on facebook for you and then found my way over here. I joined that group because I have had 4 different pregnancies end to early. Two live births who lived with me for a short times and two that were too early for live birth. I joined your group because I hoped and prayed with all my might that if we all prayed hard enough that you wouldn’t have to face the pain that I had to. I have stayed because it is an exclusive club that sucks to be a part of. The momma’s who babies are not in our arms, but in our hearts instead. It often seems taboo to bring up the babies that are not with us any more, but mommies who are in this club seek to help each other, which is why I read your blog… because sometimes a comment from someone who gets it is just what you need.

  • Deanna

    July 13, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Diane, I admire you so much

  • Misty Pratt

    July 13, 2012 at 8:06 am

    Who are these people out there who think you did it all wrong? Have they actually written to you and told you that? There is no “right” or “wrong” when it comes to grieving. Some people need to get it all out, and others bottle it up until it’s time (many months/years later) for it to come out. I followed your blog many months before you lost the boys, and I can honestly say I never once questioned how you have handled all of this. It’s not my place to judge anyone’s loss, as I can never ever know what you’ve been through. Even if I lost a child of my own, the circumstances might be so different that I could never say “I know what you’ve gone through.” We are all individuals, and we are all trying to find the best way to live in this world. Keep writing, and keep doing what you’re doing.

  • Molly

    July 13, 2012 at 8:03 am

    I admit I have clicked off blogs before but usually because my heart hurt too much with the truth. But I’ve never clicked off yours and I never will. Love you.

  • In This Wonderful Life

    July 13, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I’m so glad you write about them. This is your life and your journal and they are part of your puzzle. I cannot imagine not writing about my son who isn’t here and my two kids that are. He is still apart of me and always will be. I’m so thankful to a have blogging. I know for a fact that is has helped me. You are so right, God has brought us here, to this blogging community, for so many reasons.

  • Angela (@MommyMomentMom)

    July 13, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Honey, I have prayed with you, cried with you, and shared your story with others. God has blessed you with an avenue to help people.
    I read your blog before you were pregnant and I will continue to read it. I will continue to pray for you and cry with you during all those times you feel like crying.
    God Bless!

  • Nikki

    July 13, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Still here. Still reading. <3

  • Miranda

    July 13, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Oh, Diana. I love you and your words.

  • Beth Anne

    July 13, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Is it inappropriate to say a-fucking-men?

    Because a-fucking-men.

    1. Ashley

      July 13, 2012 at 8:04 am

      I was going to leave a comment, but ^THIS^ is pretty much it.

  • Katie

    July 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

    you are doing it exactly write.

    I got an email after my post yesterday that I shouldn’t be writing about something as ugly as miscarriage when I have two boys I should be appreciating.

    Sigh.

    But I keep coming back to this: “give sorrow words; the grief that doesn’t speak whispers o’er the fraught heart and bids it break” by Shakespeare.

    I have to give my pain words or it will eat me.

    and I know you are the same.

    much love.

    1. Ashley

      July 13, 2012 at 8:51 am

      almost unbelievable, but i wrote almost the exact same thing this morning, then stumbled upon this comment. http://gurskigossip.blogspot.com/2012/07/grief-needs-words.html

  • Kelly

    July 13, 2012 at 7:03 am

    You are a beautiful person and you only need to worry about yourself and your family. We are all just along or the ride, and here to support you!

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife

    July 13, 2012 at 6:23 am

    First this is YOUR blog…you can write about whatever your heart desires.

    Second, I find the people with the most stinging criticism have never been there. I’ve been on the pregnancy message boards in the beginning of pregnancy twice. I’ve seen the “talk of miscarriage scares me” posts and have wanted to face punch a great number of those women. I felt like a leper when my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I didn’t talk to anyone about it…not even my family. I assumed “good girls” just suck it up and try again. I think women who have lost a pregnancy or child need to talk about it for themselves, their children, and for the other women that unfortunately will go through it.

    You’re doing good work, mama!

  • Allison

    July 13, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Diana – I’ve read your blog pretty much since the beginning. I keep coming back because you are so honest and real. And because you write from the heart. People who only share the “nice” stuff are, well, less real. I don’t feel a connection to them and I don’t go back to read more. By being honest and open, you do others a service. You show that life is messy and painful and it’s OK. You show people like me who keep trying to “measure up” that being perfect isn’t what it’s all about. Thank you. And, even though I hate that you lost your boys and I wish with all my heart that it hadn’t happened, it has made you a better writer. Your posts are better crafted – I find myself hanging on your words. You have a gift for expressing emotion and pulling that emotion out of others. I have never lost a baby. I don’t “know” you. But every time I read a post about your boys, I tear up and my heart aches. And that feeling doesn’t make me want to click away. I makes me want to come back and read more because I appreciate good writing and because I just know that if anything so unfair and painful ever happened to me, I would know I wasn’t alone because you’ve gone through it and shared it all. Again, thank you. Don’t apologize and please don’t feel like you need to.

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    July 13, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Nice girls can suck it. You’re better than nice. You’re a real girl. One with a real life and big experiences and actual loss. By writing from your heart not only do you touch each of your readers’ hearts, but you speak for those who choose to keep their lives to themselves. This is’t exploitation, this is the new form of communication. A modern memoir. Your loss and grief are real and deserve to be acknowledged. Just as your sons deserve to be recognized as living children that passed away. Love you dear. Take good care and keep writing.

  • Caitlin MidAtlantic

    July 13, 2012 at 4:13 am

    Keep writing Diana, always. And don’t ever feel like you have ever exploited any of your children! You are a wonderful mother, person, friend and blogger.

  • Jayme

    July 13, 2012 at 3:25 am

    When I lost my daughter in 2001, I found a few memorial websites- blogging wasn’t like it is now- but reading those stories helped. Knowing I wasn’t the only one going through it helped. After I lost Connor in 2007, I decided I wanted to start my own site so that maybe I could help someone else not feel so alone. I began posting in a little grief blog, when I needed to express how I was feeling about losing my babies. I know writing it out was SO helpful and therapeutic for me. I still have that old little blog, but now I throw those kind of posts into my daily blog instead, since grief is a part of my daily life.

  • Sarah

    July 13, 2012 at 12:30 am

    I’m sticking around!! It takes a lot more than “real” to scare me away! Keep it up!! You make the world a better place:)

  • Suz

    July 13, 2012 at 12:25 am

    I couldn’t love, respect you more. You know I’m going no where.

  • Jill

    July 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    Oh honey, it is so right for you to write. I wish I had the words to fix it all, but there are no such words, only God in his time can do that. Although it may sound off to compare your description in this post to my blogging experience, it is somewhat relavent. I started a blog about “whatever” and when my oldest son turned out to have autism, I kind of became an “autism blogger”, though I had no intention. But in the beginning, it was a loss of sorts for me. I didn’t know if I would ever hear my son’s voice, or know what it sounded like to hear him call me, “mommy”. I didn’t know if he would always pull away from my touch, and continue to refuse to let me stare into his eyes. I wrote about it. And wrote about it some more. And it was helpful to get it out. Even MORE helpful was the community of other moms I found that just got it.

    It’s a different situation for you, but you need the same opportunities to find outlets and support. Sending prayers for your family’s peace. <3

  • Ruby @ Focus, Woman!

    July 12, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    I think it’s important that women write about this. I know what you mean: reading baby loss blogs & clicking away, not wanting to feel the fear or pain or fathom that it might happen to you. But there’s a line between protecting yourself from triggers and insisting something stay a taboo. Women (and their families, but I’m talking women specifically here) have dealt with pregnancy & baby loss since the beginning of time and the blogosphere is giving them a voice, giving them a place to share the enormous and painful impact it has. What was the number again – 33% of women will experience either miscarriage or baby loss? A huge amount anyway. And what happens when women start sharing? Communities form. Inspirational projects are set up (like the Project Hope). The taboo starts lifting. Who knows what that means – more research, more knowledge… more Good Things.

    It is entirely up to the woman herself to decide how much – if anything – she wants to share about her journey. Judging someone for not doing what you would do, or you think they should do really is never helpful. I hope you don’t get comments like that. If you do, all I can say is: remember it is FEAR that is speaking. Hugs!

  • Ashley

    July 12, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Thank you for writing this. You are spot on.

  • Elly

    July 12, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    If writing is what you want to do…for pete’s sake keep on writing, you do it wonderfully! There is no right way to do grief, grief is a feeling and a process, it’s not a pie or an equation. While I am so very sorry for your loss, I am glad to have come on this journey with you.

  • Jessica C.

    July 12, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Diana, I personally have felt like you keep me truthful, you make me enjoy the hard moments in my life, I emailed you when I found yor blog only hours after your post from the hospital because at that moment I felt horrible about what I was angry for. You made Meade The joy in my life. I posted about you, your boys and I hope every mother in Te world finds you and your story because it’s honest. No it’s not perfect but it’s all you. An that is what we love. It’s not nice or pretty all the time but through pain comes love and growth and in my eyes you are ten feet tall ! Keep doing what you need to do and those that surround you for good will stay by your side web in cyber land.
    http://quacksandwaddles.com/2012/05/angry-at-myself/

  • Bethany T

    July 12, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    ::hug::

    It’s been about a year since I started following your blog. I really, really appreciate how you write about things that aren’t all happy-fluffy-butterflies-and-unicorns. People don’t live in that reality.

    My family has experienced the grief of losing a child at 21 weeks. We saw that little coffin, the breathtakingly heartwrenching photos of my nephew when he was just born and breathed for only 45 minutes. We cried and ached through that funeral and the grieving process and I babysat through the support group and grief counseling meetings. It is a process and there needs to be an outlet for the overflow. It will come out somewhere, but it is best if grief finds a way to exit the person’s life productively or creatively or charitably.

    Keep writing, please. The world needs more honest bloggers.

  • Rebecca

    July 12, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    Nice girls are forgettable and bland.

    Real girls are honest and unashamed and inspire others to open up and share.

    We were created for relationship and it’s girls like you who foster those connections.

    Thank you for being you, being real and writing all of it 🙂

  • Amber

    July 12, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    My heart breaks with you. I am so sorry for your loss. I too stumbled across your blog the week before you lost your boys, and I think it is because God wants me to pray for you. I know it’s not the same, but I lost my mom last year, and I still feel like I am going to die from the pain of it many days. So, even though it’s not the same path of grief, I pray for you the same comfort that Jesus has given me in the special ways that only He can give. I pray that He will intimately hold you and your family and free you to grieve in the way you need to. I think your blog is part of that. Thank you for sharing your journey, and thank you for sharing how God is growing you.

  • Wendy @ mamaonetothree

    July 12, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    I had never read your story before. I am so sorry for your loss. Your sharing your pain only helps others I am certain. I hope it brings comfort to you as well.

  • angie

    July 12, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Two days after my daughter died at 35 weeks I wrote a huge blog posting crying my eyes out while doing it. I have no recollection of every writing that post. It was Thanksgiving (in canada), and I was not feeling very thankful.

    I never ever ever heard about the baby loss community before, nor did I want to. Babies didn’t die. Then it happened to me and I consumed every blog posting as fast as I could. Cried and commented, and reached out. I regret most of it now because I realize how much can go wrong. It can happen at any stage 11 weeks, 11 months, 11 days whatever..

    I’m pregnant now with our rainbow baby and scared every single day. I like your blog because it is honest and refreshing. Sometimes mine is too sad and depressing, and have been told by many people I should be more happy. Ya easier said than done..

    hugs

  • Anna {girlwithblog}

    July 12, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    You write, Diana, you tell their story because it is your story and it is His story. You write, and we’ll be here to read and pray and cry with you. And just because we do click the little red x after lifting you up, you and your story stick with us. We carry you, and we carry your boys because they are your story and we read it.

    You write, and you tell us about the lives of your boys because they were here and they mattered and you’ve made them real to us.

    You nailed it – being a child of God does not equal being nice. I hope it makes us real, and you are, and you invite us to share in that. So thank you.

  • Carolyn

    July 12, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    *hugs* I think the best writers and bloggers are those who are truthful and honest about their life experiences, no matter what those might be (my Reader would be a VERY boring place if nobody ever discussed their hardships or struggles!) I think the reason people get involved in blogging and the community surrounding it is in an effort to express and connect with people, so for you to NOT write about what you’re going through . . . that would just be dumb. I hadn’t even heard of you until other bloggers started referencing what you were going through in the hospital, and I’ve stuck around now to hear how it all works out in the end. So even if a few odd people do walk away, I think you’ll still find yourself surrounded by a greater number of people who love you no matter what. Keep up the incredible work, it means a lot to a great many people.

  • Lenette

    July 12, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    I just want to say- Amen. This is YOUR spot and I am so glad that you fill it with your words. I still pray for you often and I definitely am still here reading.

  • Jessica

    July 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    You are amazing and strong and those boys are so lucky to have you as their mama. I think I’ve said those exact words here before but that’s what I think every time I read your posts about this experience. <3

  • Holly

    July 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    I don’t know how I stumbled across your blog a few months ago but I’m glad I did. I cried with you and prayed for you and you didn’t even know it (but now you do!!) I think you’re brave and wonderful and a mouthpiece to reach other people who suffer. I’m still here too!
    By the way, have you read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp??

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