Was It Worth It?

July 21, 2012

The other day I was sent a picture of myself walking hand in hand with Bella. We were back east – almost a year ago. We were visiting Kim and she’d taken us to the park with her kids, and behind us snapped a photo.

And as I stared at it, I wished with all my heart I could tell the girl smiling down at her daughter just what was coming in the next 7 months to her life. How she’d go from a mom of one to three but then still just one. How her heart would be broken into a million pieces. How she’d never view life in the same casual way again.

My heart ached for her. It was strange, because rationally I knew that was me and I’m still here.

But then I’m not.

It’s an odd feeling to be that wistful over something you couldn’t have possibly controlled or changed. I often wonder if I had to do it all again, knowing what would have happened, if I would have anyway.

If I was still so sick, and my water still broke, and I still lost them in my arms – would I do it all again? Or would I choose to stay that girl in the picture?

It may sound cliché, but I know what I would choose – because I’ve already lived it once. I’d do it all again. I’d step blindly and ecstatically into that life and relive every moment just to have it all end the way it did. Not that I would want it to. Not that if, given the choice, I’d choose for it to end with them gone. But because it happened the way it did, I can only look back now and know that I wouldn’t have changed a thing – since I couldn’t anyway.

They were worth it. Every moment. I would never, ever have chosen to not have known them, to have those weeks of being pregnant with twins. Just to hold them in my arms for a few hours and feel Preston and Julian against me and to marvel at their perfection was worth it. It still is.

So yes. I’d do it all again. I hope I never have to with being that sick or losing another child, but I know the journey is worth it. To be the mother of the ones who stay here on earth and the ones who wait for me in heaven.

15 Comments

  • Christine

    July 26, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Beautiful post. We were all meant for the journey that we take in life, no matter what it brings. You’re walking your path in life with grace and strength. Some people don’t. It’s something to be commended.

  • Jacqueline G

    July 23, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    God is rebuilding the broken pieces of your heart, and you resemble the beautiful creation He created. He sees you the same today as he did a few short months ago…a beautiful daughter of the King…a beautiful mama & wife. Still praying for you all the way from Oz xx

  • Jane @ The Hesitant Housewife

    July 22, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    A beautiful post. xx

  • Jessica

    July 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    I couldn’t agree with this more (do I say this to every one of your posts?). I’m sure it’s hard for some people to understand but I would absolutely do every moment of it over again, to carry my daughter all those months and have her here for 3 short days and to forever be her mom.

  • Tina

    July 22, 2012 at 11:01 am

    So true!

  • Sherry Carr-Smith

    July 22, 2012 at 8:21 am

    That’ the thing, isn’t it? That every single experience makes us who we are. I think that sometimes, would I have chosen the life I did if I had known how hard it would be? But then what? I wouldn’t be the person I am now, I wouldn’t have the same empathy, tolerance, impatience. And I wouldn’t have exactly the same amazing son I have. So I wouldn’t change a thing, no matter how hard or scarred.

  • jessclark

    July 22, 2012 at 8:18 am

    So beautiful. Yes, they are worth it. <3

  • Katie McAleece

    July 22, 2012 at 7:36 am

    “The Mother of the ones who wait for me in heaven.” Is such a powerful sentence. I love this. I hope you’re continuing to do well, my prayers are still with you.

    1. Kiki

      July 22, 2012 at 2:44 pm

      I completely agree. I know I have my twins waiting for me. It helps knowing that.

  • Ruth

    July 22, 2012 at 6:39 am

    I showed my therapist a picture of me when I was pregnant with Corbin and she said she never would have recognized me. I can never go back to those worry free days and it shows in my face. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go through it again just to hold my child.
    Love and hugs dear.

  • Caitlin MidAtlantic

    July 22, 2012 at 5:36 am

    I was just talking with my mom about how I don’t believe in regret or “what I would do differently.”. How can I change a single thing in my past? Every action, decision and experience makes me who I am! Your past year, the pregnancy, your precious sons… You are becoming the self you are meant to because of it all. That self seems like a strong, kick-butt, loving woman to me!

  • Suz

    July 22, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Beautiful post dear friend. What a year. You are so strong.

  • Christa

    July 21, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    I feel the same way looking at some of my old pictures from before. Particularly my 17 week shot (a week before my water broke) and oddly enough a picture that friend posted of me from high school. I looked so care free.

    If only I would have known then what I know now.

    I wouldn’t change it either though. The only thing I would have changed was not taking for granted that I would always have her. Take more picture pregnant, scream it to the world that I was having a baby, etc.

    ((hugs))

  • Julia

    July 21, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Beautiful, sincere post. And what a great picture of you and your little girl!

  • Kristine

    July 21, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Oh yes, and yes. You are a beautiful mother. <3 I saw a picture from my baby shower many months after Cora died. I looked at that woman, and I almost didn't recognize her. Like you, it was all so worth it for me. I'd do it all over again. Sending you lots of love and light.

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