Wow. 2 years y’all. 2 years ago I was sitting at my parents house, crying, with a 10 month old baby sleeping in a pack n play while Sam and I argued on the phone about his drinking. As I repeated over and over that I simply couldn’t take it anymore, something had to give.
2 years later we sit here – and how life has changed. Even in the past year.
It’s a good feeling to know we’re 2 years into a new life. A wonderful thing to know we can handle things, big things, without drinking those feelings away. Or fighting and arguing.
Life is peaceful here. Rarely is there a voice raised anymore, and when it is it’s replaced with one of us telling the other, “Let’s just stop and talk about it instead of yelling.” It didn’t use to be this way. Holy Moses, we had some knock down drag outs that make me cringe to think about now. How did we live like that for 7 1/2 years? How was that our normal?
After we lost the boys, I had no idea what would happen. To either of us. The pain was so intense, so raw, I honestly wanted to do anything to get rid of it. Anything. One night just a few days after I was sobbing and told Sam that I was tempted to just get plastered, to numb the pain that constantly washed over me. I wanted to be in a coma at that point, to wake up and have it not hurt so bad anymore.
But he reminded me that it wouldn’t truly solve anything, that our boys wouldn’t want that, and that being in the state of grief I was in would be much worse hungover the next morning. #truestory
We made it through these past almost 4 months without tipping over. We made it. We made it – I almost can’t believe it looking back. The boy I’ve known since I was 11 and in that Christian school we both hated – we did this together. We built a life, had a child, overcame addictions, found Jesus, and let the loss of our sons bring us so much closer together. We stood firm in our values and changed our lives – and we’ve had a tough few months in more than just what we went through in that hospital.
I am proud of us. Proud of who we are. So proud of my husband. I am astonished on a continual basis of how incredible he is in what he has faced and dealt with – and turned into a success. What a ride it’s been, and here we are starting a new one with the adoption.
God has His hand on us as a family and we feel it. His strength, His grief, His hope for our future. It’s an amazing feeling to remember what we were and look around now at what we are. In the midst of the sorrow and the pain, there has been so much healing and joy.
And this – this is what we cling to these days:
Thanks to Amber for making this for me.