2 Years Sober

August 25, 2012

Wow. 2 years y’all. 2 years ago I was sitting at my parents house, crying, with a 10 month old baby sleeping in a pack n play while Sam and I argued on the phone about his drinking. As I repeated over and over that I simply couldn’t take it anymore, something had to give.

2 years later we sit here – and how life has changed. Even in the past year.

It’s a good feeling to know we’re 2 years into a new life. A wonderful thing to know we can handle things, big things, without drinking those feelings away. Or fighting and arguing.

Life is peaceful here. Rarely is there a voice raised anymore, and when it is it’s replaced with one of us telling the other, “Let’s just stop and talk about it instead of yelling.” It didn’t use to be this way. Holy Moses, we had some knock down drag outs that make me cringe to think about now. How did we live like that for 7 1/2 years? How was that our normal?

Hindsight.

After we lost the boys, I had no idea what would happen. To either of us. The pain was so intense, so raw, I honestly wanted to do anything to get rid of it. Anything. One night just a few days after I was sobbing and told Sam that I was tempted to just get plastered, to numb the pain that constantly washed over me. I wanted to be in a coma at that point, to wake up and have it not hurt so bad anymore.

But he reminded me that it wouldn’t truly solve anything, that our boys wouldn’t want that, and that being in the state of grief I was in would be much worse hungover the next morning. #truestory

We made it through these past almost 4 months without tipping over. We made it. We made it – I almost can’t believe it looking back. The boy I’ve known since I was 11 and in that Christian school we both hated – we did this together. We built a life, had a child, overcame addictions, found Jesus, and let the loss of our sons bring us so much closer together. We stood firm in our values and changed our lives – and we’ve had a tough few months in more than just what we went through in that hospital.

I am proud of us. Proud of who we are. So proud of my husband. I am astonished on a continual basis of how incredible he is in what he has faced and dealt with – and turned into a success. What a ride it’s been, and here we are starting a new one with the adoption.

God has His hand on us as a family and we feel it. His strength, His grief, His hope for our future. It’s an amazing feeling to remember what we were and look around now at what we are. In the midst of the sorrow and the pain, there has been so much healing and joy.

And this – this is what we cling to these days:

Our Verse

Thanks to Amber for making this for me. 

27 Comments

  • sarah

    August 28, 2012 at 10:24 am

    That’s wonderful! That’s huge. God bless you both! (And that bible passage is one of my favorites!)

  • Jess

    August 28, 2012 at 7:39 am

    It’s amazing. I remember reading the blog at that time. I’m so glad how things have taken a turn for the better. For your relationship. For your lives. That is such an accomplishment you should both be proud of!

  • Kendra

    August 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Congratulations to you and your husband! What an impressive milestone and to have gone through it together is awesome and courageous! You are lucky to have each other. 🙂

  • angela

    August 26, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Congratulations! This is such a wonderful post for so many reasons.

  • Jessica

    August 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    One more thing that attests to your strength. What a rollercoaster you have been on. So glad that you two have each other to lean on.

  • Heather

    August 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Congrats on the two years of sobriety! That is a huge milestone. While our stories turned out different, I know what it is like to look back and think, did we really live like that? So glad you two got through this together.

  • Tammi

    August 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

    So proud of you and Sam!! 2 years is such an accomplishment. You both are such an inspiration.

  • Katie

    August 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

    This post makes me so proud and happy. Good for you guys! Also? Yay for stuff to celebrate!

  • Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com]

    August 26, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Congratulations, I’m so proud of you. I’m currently praying every day that my dad turns to the Lord and turns away from alcohol. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me hope!

  • Mackenzie

    August 25, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    That is incredible! Good for y’all!! Drinking can have such an impact and how you were strong enough to overcome it is just so powerful. I pray that your family will be covered with God’s grace and blessings. Thank you for sharing your story, you’re helping so many people with your post.

  • Mare

    August 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    great scripture. I’ve fallen back on that one many times myself. Only God knows anything. He is sovereign, and He is love, and He is trustworthy. No matter what.

  • sarah

    August 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Wow. What a beautiful, humble, honest post. I am thrilled for you.

    I’ve lived through some painful times due to someone else’s drinking, and am so happy to hear that some people are able to work at recovery and have a different life. (My husband and I simply cannot be together, painfully, and he seems to not be able to get well.) Now, you share the grace and strength you have lived and received to others, and I am grateful for it. Congratulations and love to you both!!

    (To the others: prayers and love to you, too. We are not alone!)

  • Melissa

    August 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    Wow! What a beautiful post, filled with raw honesty and transparent truth. Praise God for sustaining you through the difficult trials (gross understatement) and for filling you with lips of testimony of the life giving power that only comes from Him!

  • Debbie

    August 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics, on of whom is dead, and the other now 16 years sober (thank God). I survived abuse, and some heavy trauma which caused PTSD, and an eatin disorder. It took me a long time to recover, and it’s an ongoing process, even today. And when I read this post, just one thought kept echoing through my mind:

    what an incredbile, precious, wonderful GIFT for your children – all of them. <3

    731 days of staying sober. Utterly awesome.

  • Amber

    August 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Hugs to you and your whole family. The effort you both have put in making your lives and relationship work are admirable. Congratulations on two years and the many more to come.

  • elizabeth

    August 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

    As a wife of a sober husband I know how big and wonderful this is. Congrats on this milestone!

  • Kallay

    August 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Your story gives me chills. To be honest, I’m probably a little bit jealous. My husband couldn’t overcome his addictions, and is now sitting in jail waiting to go to prison for a good chunk of the rest of his life. His drugs won. He left in January, and I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. It’s such good news to me that not everyone shares my fate, that some actually crawl out of it and move forward with productive and healthy lives. I’m glad his problems are no longer mine, because I don’t have an addiction and dealing with his was exhausting, but I do pray and wish every day that God could have saved him, but I suppose that wasn’t his choice. Congratulations to you on two years! That is truly amazing and what a gift! Prayers for continued blessings to you and yours!

  • Sandy

    August 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

    God is good!

  • Lenette

    August 25, 2012 at 11:22 am

    I am so proud for y’all. That verse has always kinda been my life verse :-). God is so good!

  • Anon

    August 25, 2012 at 11:01 am

    I sit here wishing I could be as brave as you are. My husband of 2.5 years is an alcoholic. I sit here next to the two toddler boys that we created & I truly don’t know how I could leave him. He won’t stop, I don’t think. I have tried talking. We live 9.5 hours from my family & 13.5 hours away from mine. I wish I could be as brave as you are because I don’t know that I can keep living this way.

    1. Anon too

      August 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

      Check out Al-Anon meetings in your area as a resource. They’re the group for families/friends “who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.” They “help families of alcoholics by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.” It’s a great place to find whatever power you have lost over your own life.

  • Sarah

    August 25, 2012 at 10:59 am

    That is amazingly wonderful. You two are lucky to have each other. Congrats on 2 years in your new life!

  • Jessi J.

    August 25, 2012 at 10:44 am

    My mother has been an alcoholic my entire life. She started when she was 13 years old. Probably didn’t help that she had me at 14, and another child at 17. I have a very bad thinking process about alcohol. Probably entirely too paranoid, but I hate it and don’t even want my kids to know what it is. I cringe just to see someone drinking a beer or something at a barbeque when my kids are there. My mom was sober for 2 years before she started drinking again. She has been sober for 4 days this go around – coming off of a 2 month drinking binge. She was drunk for 2 months straight. I know personally how hard it is to watch someone you love struggle with something so tough. Alcohol addiction is scary. I’m so glad you both have been able to stand strong through everything you guys have been through lately. I admit, I had prayed and wondered about that and hoped that you would be able to lean on each other. Praying for continued strength. Happy 2 years!!

  • Bethany

    August 25, 2012 at 10:27 am

    I am so so proud of you! I think I vaguely remember starting to read your blog around the time that you were talking about getting sober. I didn’t remember until I read this! You have come so far and God has been holding you the whole time. I am so happy I know you!

  • Rachel @ The House of Burks

    August 25, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Wow, has it really been two years? I remember you talking about Sam’s struggle, and it seems worlds away now. It’s amazing how much life can change in such a short time. God has a plan for your family, and it is being fulfilled daily. You are continually in my prayers.

  • Amanda @ The Eco-Friendly Family

    August 25, 2012 at 9:26 am

    It’s so amazing to see all that the two of you have overcome as individuals but also as a couple – as a married couple. Congratulations on two years of sober!

  • Adam @ Hanging with Dad

    August 25, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Congratulations!

    You two rock the party that rocks the house (and all without drinking!), Bella’s a lucky girl to be raised by two strong people like y’all. May God bless you with many, many more sober years together.

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