Today I sat on the floor playing with Bella, and it hit me that today was 36 weeks.
The twins due date.
It could have been sooner, or a bit later, but more than likely today would have been a big, big day for us.
And so I drew my knees up to my chest and cried.
After a few minutes I headed to the closet, where their little box of memories is, and looked through it. I’m SO glad I saved what I did. My hospital gown I wore that night. Their pictures. Memory boxes. Baby booties that fit on their tiny heads.
Sam came in and found me hugging the gown while looking at their pictures, crying. “Hey now,” he said concerned, “You shouldn’t be doing this – unless it helps?”
“It helps,” I sobbed.
It does. As strange as that is, there is a certain amount of healing nothing else can do than when I simply let myself be immersed in the sadness for a little while. Just remembering all the things we did to prepare for them – tiny toys and half finished preparations and nicknames.
He left and came back holding something.
“I kept these in my drawer.” He held them out to me.
Remember this? How we weren’t going to tell the names of the boys (and didn’t know for a while they were boys) and so we came up with Buy One Get One – BO & GO for short. I found these on Etsy and had to order them. I never got to show these to you all. I bought the onesies and they arrived just a couple of weeks before my water broke, and I kept thinking, “Oh! I need to take a pic and show everyone their coming home outfits…”
So we have memories. Some are of them, some are of the hopes and dreams we had with them. Each carries a little piece of a future I only got to briefly be a part of, and now lives in my memories and the shadows that dance around our home as I see two little boys dart in and out of the house, chasing Bella and giggling.
I miss them. I miss what I thought I was going to get. I remember so often now to just live a little more – because there are no guarantees. I wish it hadn’t taken this to remind me. I wish those little onesies were full of two chubby babies that screamed all night and had colic and woke me up at all hours and that I fell asleep nursing. I’d give anything for that.
Little BO & GO. Your Daddy and Mama ache for you so very much. We wish you were here with us every day. Nothing will ever take your place.