36 Weeks – Memories of BO & GO

August 19, 2012

Today I sat on the floor playing with Bella, and it hit me that today was 36 weeks.

The twins due date.

It could have been sooner, or a bit later, but more than likely today would have been a big, big day for us.

And so I drew my knees up to my chest and cried.

After a few minutes I headed to the closet, where their little box of memories is, and looked through it. I’m SO glad I saved what I did. My hospital gown I wore that night. Their pictures. Memory boxes. Baby booties that fit on their tiny heads.

Sam came in and found me hugging the gown while looking at their pictures, crying. “Hey now,” he said concerned, “You shouldn’t be doing this – unless it helps?”

“It helps,” I sobbed.

It does. As strange as that is, there is a certain amount of healing nothing else can do than when I simply let myself be immersed in the sadness for a little while. Just remembering all the things we did to prepare for them – tiny toys and half finished preparations and nicknames.

He left and came back holding something. 

“I kept these in my drawer.” He held them out to me.

Remember this? How we weren’t going to tell the names of the boys (and didn’t know for a while they were boys) and so we came up with Buy One Get One – BO & GO for short. I found these on Etsy and had to order them. I never got to show these to you all. I bought the onesies and they arrived just a couple of weeks before my water broke, and I kept thinking, “Oh! I need to take a pic and show everyone their coming home outfits…”

🙁

So we have memories. Some are of them, some are of the hopes and dreams we had with them. Each carries a little piece of a future I only got to briefly be a part of, and now lives in my memories and the shadows that dance around our home as I see two little boys dart in and out of the house, chasing Bella and giggling.

I miss them. I miss what I thought I was going to get. I remember so often now to just live a little more – because there are no guarantees. I wish it hadn’t taken this to remind me. I wish those little onesies were full of two chubby babies that screamed all night and had colic and woke me up at all hours and that I fell asleep nursing. I’d give anything for that.

Little BO & GO. Your Daddy and Mama ache for you so very much. We wish you were here with us every day. Nothing will ever take your place.

 

26 Comments

  • Sandoz

    September 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and the enormous hurt you have suffered. I don’t even have children of my own yet, but know how unbearable the amount of pain and grief must be. May your burden be lightened each day, and may your story help others in pain.

  • Tweepwife

    August 21, 2012 at 9:10 am

    I love those sweet little onesies. I’m so sorry you aren’t holding two happy, healthy little fellas in them today. Prayers for peace, strength, and comfort to you.

  • Katie

    August 20, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Love those onsies. Sending that love to you.

  • Bethanygp

    August 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I remember Bo and Go. Your boys will never be forgotten because of how well you’ve shared about them.

  • Erica

    August 20, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Im very sorry for your loss, the pictures and box helps so much. I uncovered my first sons box on the 10 year aniversary of his birth. The pictures and ultra sound photos made me remember my angel, whose time was so short. I know one day we will both see our angels again. God bless you.

  • Alex

    August 20, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Sending a great big hug and passing the Kleenex. I just have no words other than to say: do what helps. xo

  • angela

    August 20, 2012 at 8:42 am

    The onesies are so sweet. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending hugs.

  • Jen

    August 20, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I’ve slept with the little sleeper our son wore many nights. Having those physical reminders have helped me heal in many ways, just in the fact that they shout ‘he was ALIVE and OURS’ and just how blessed we were to have had him for those short months.

    I know it’s so hard though, to live in a place where you’re trying to find peace and joy in where you life is now, but still wishing with every part of your being that every moment of your days were different.

    Praying for you.

  • Michelle

    August 20, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I’m so sorry.

  • Amber

    August 20, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Tears and hugs.

  • Kami

    August 20, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Thinking of you! Those onesies are precious!!

  • Jessi J.

    August 20, 2012 at 7:29 am

    I can’t ever read these posts without a few tears escaping. It makes my heart ache to even think about what being in your shoes must feel like. I am praying for you, as always.

  • Cate

    August 20, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Sending you so much love, Diana. <3 Have you considered putting the onesies in a shadow box to display?

  • Skye

    August 20, 2012 at 7:00 am

    The onesies are precious. I’m so sorry your boys can’t come home in them.

  • Tia

    August 19, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Big hugs! I lost my triplets to incompetent cervix at 19w4d in January of 2011. I remember their due date being a pretty tough day. I sat there holding their lambs that they were given at the hospital thinking about what should have been while harsh reality of what I was left with hit me. Praying for comfort and peace for you and your family!

  • Candi

    August 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    I’m so, so sorry, Diana. I’m crying for you and your heartache. I lost my little boy at 28 weeks last May and I have a lot of the same struggles. I too have an older child to keep me busy, but it creeps in on you, doesn’t it? Lots of love and hugs to you.

  • Amanda

    August 19, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    I am SO sorry!! hugs & prayers for all of you!!

  • Noelle

    August 19, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Lots of love <3

  • Suz

    August 19, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    The sweetest onesies. I’m sad that their not filled for you.

  • Katie

    August 19, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Those are amazing onesies and I really have no words but you are amazing how you heal with this. You are so real, yet hopeful.

  • Rebecca

    August 19, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    love and hugs <3

  • Liz

    August 19, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    I’m crying with you right now. I want you to know I think about you and your family often. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your sons’ story with us.

    <3

  • cathy

    August 19, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    I think of them everyday. <3

  • Stacy

    August 19, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Lots of love & hugs <3 I almost bought you copy & paste onesies for your shower. I wish I could have…

  • Good Girl Gone Green

    August 19, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Those are the cutest onesies. I am sending you the biggest hug ever!

  • Brittany

    August 19, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    Oh how I wish I was seeing those onesies on your beautiful boys. People told me the passing of the due date would ease the pain, and yet I still find the need to curl up and cry. It helps me to remember and to know how deep my love runs for the babies I do not have. I know that sounds strange. I know you know this, but I am here if you do need to chat with someone. I am sending my love to your family and I am picturing our babies in their coming outfits. I am smiling, through tears, but smiling. Sometimes that is the way it has to be. xo

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