I’m That Girl and I Hate It

August 13, 2012

Can I be brutally honest? Can I take a moment and just vent on here? Just let it all out?

I HATE being this girl. I hate that seeing pictures of new babies makes my head snap in the other direction to avoid the pain. I hate that I hear a newborn cry and think of Preston struggling to breathe on me. I hate that I see Bella pat a little boy on the back yesterday while smiling at him, to encourage him to go down the slide, and I burst into tears.

I’m the girl with two dead babies. I’m that blogger. I’m that mother, that friend, that sister, that woman. I hate that. I wanted to be the mom of twins. The mom of three. I can’t believe this is how it all ended up. 

As my due date gets closer and the friends that rejoiced their pregnancies with mine have their babies, I hate that it takes every effort I possess to type to them. I hate that my notes include, “I can’t really talk about it with you, I’m happy for you though, hope you understand.”

WHY?????

It should have NEVER been this way. I should have been so big and pregnant and huge and happy – and now I sit here with tears pouring down my cheeks and Zoloft on my counter and my two sons on my shelf and the tattoos on my arm – each a reminder of how messed up this all is.

How unfair it all is.

No one told me life was going to be perfect. I know. But no one said it was going to be this painful at times.

I can’t believe this is me. I can’t. I have trouble even realizing it myself. That one of the ways people know who I am is because my babies died. How messed up is that? Maybe you know me for another reason, but I’m guessing most people say, “You know, the one who lost her twins…”

Oh, yeah. That girl.

I never wanted to be this girl. No one does. And now I am, I’m struggling to be her in the best way I can while not putting myself through any more pain. It may take ending bad relationships, it may take blocking all the photos on Facebook, it may take me falling on my knees and begging God to help me through one of those days. I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this and I’m struggling through it the only way I can.

I’m the girl who never wanted to be the baby loss blogger and instead I can’t run away from what life handed me. 3 months in and I still ache so much that my writing can’t ignore it.

I just wanted my babies. That’s all. And instead I got to be that girl.

 

51 Comments

  • Elizabeth

    September 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    My daughter lost twins too, so sorry for your loss. Hard to put into words such pain. God Bless you and your family.

  • Kelly

    August 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    I’m that girl, too. Two dead babies for me. Last night I sat next to a woman who is exactly in her pregnancy where I should be in mine. And today I had to go to the government office to pick up a copy of my daughter’s death certificate. Yep, I’m that girl, too. The one that got free copies of the certificate because I was shaking so bad. It sucks to be the girl. God bless you all. Lord knows we need it.

  • Emily

    August 14, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Diana, I can’t imagine going through what you’ve gone through this year. I started reading your blog right around the time you found out you were having twins, and have been praying for you almost daily ever since. I think you’re very brave, and admire you a great deal For what it’s worth, I always refer to you as “the girl with the twin boys” when I talk about you, like when I was telling my husband how you know our friend Rebecca. Keep writing, keep being honest! I like when we can see glimpses of the real you, like in these posts. We’ll keep praying! <3

  • Katie

    August 14, 2012 at 8:16 am

    You are also that girl I was too shy to get to know at BlogHer, but really wanted to.

    You are that girl who is adopting.

    You are that girl with the funny avitar that is so silly and beautiful at the same time.

    You are that girl who has a husband in the military…for the second time.

    You are that girl who helped nudge me closer to God.

    You are that girl with the SUPER adorable little girl.

    You are that girl with the pretty hair.

    You are that girl who God has used in so many ways, she doesn’t even know them all.

    You are the girl who is allowed to feel all her feelings. Who is allowed to unfollow my instagrams so she doesn’t have to see my baby and I would 100% understand.

  • Michelle

    August 14, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I am so so sorry. I know it doesn’t compare, but I feel the same way that you do a lot, and I don’t even have close to the type of loss you’ve had. Just remember that it is okay to feel this way. You inspire a lot of people with your strength…remember that when you forget how strong you are!

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife

    August 14, 2012 at 6:54 am

    In my eyes, your are Diana. You are a fellow military wife. You are Sam’s wife, Bella, Preston & Julian’s mom. You’re a talented writer, a great photographer, and a sweet friend.

    <3

  • Stephanie

    August 13, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    Thank you for being so honest and writing this. It is what I’m sure a lot of us who have suffered a loss of a baby feel. You always have a way of inspiring me.

  • Barbara

    August 13, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    My heart aches for your loss, I’m so very sorry for you and your family.

  • Stacey

    August 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Diana,
    Unfortunately, I do know you because you lost your twins. But the minute I read it on twitter I was drawn to you. I too lost a baby at 20 weeks. And then another one 3 years later at 10 weeks. Three months is no time at all. It does get better, but it’s always there. I remember returning to work after the first one and people talking in hushes around me and I just wanted to scream,”Stop being different!” But it was hard for them just like it was for me. And then sometimes when I found myself around people that didn’t know and I’d be laughing and feeling my “normal” self again, I wanted to say,”My son is dead, I might be laughing now but I’m aching so much every day, can’t you see it?”

    It’s not like that anymore (8 years later). The only thing I still struggle with is that I found myself referring to my now oldest son as my first born son (I have two living sons now). After I said it, I was mad at myself. Sometimes other people refer to him as that too and it bothers me deep in that spot in my heart but I’ve learned to deal with it. It’s still hurts but it’s not as raw. One day you will know what I mean.

    Praying for your family,
    Stacey

  • Shelly Kramer

    August 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Diana, sending you so much love right now. And thanking you for writing such a beautiful, poignant post.

    I lost a baby at 16 weeks (that sucked), a set of twins at 10 weeks (that really sucked) and another set of twins at just a few weeks (yup, that sucked too). And every time, along the way, my girlfriends kept getting pregnant, having babies and sending me baby pictures. It was the hardest part of my life. And for a time, I had to quit talking to them, quit visiting and just take a break. And they understood.

    Today, I have two angels who are now 6 and every time I think about my lost babies and get a little weepy, I think about the fact that but for that part of the journey, I wouldn’t have what I do now.

    Go get the book “Heaven is for Real” ….. it will make you feel better about your babies. I promise. And hang in there – life has a funny way of working out.

    Big hug to you.

    Shelly
    @shellykramer

  • Krista

    August 13, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I am that girl too. One month after my daughter was born still, I burst into tears because a pregnant woman stood behind me in line at the grocery store. It’s hard to imagine now, because your pain is so intense but it will become easier to deal with. Not that it will ever completely go away, but it will become easier to deal with. Hugs to you.

  • April

    August 13, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    I never thought of myself as “that girl”, but I guess I am. After losing my son, I am very protective of my daughter and am rarely happy to compliment others on their newborns. It’s not purposeful, but I almost always walk away realizing that I didn’t say anything. When someone says “oh, what a cute baby”, my heart warms and I get wrapped up in the moment and the ling of love for my daughter.

    It’s been five years. I don’t know when this ends, if it ends.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Anne-Marie

    August 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    First, three months is not a long time. I would be shocked if you were not in pain only three months after everything you went through, everything your sons and your husband and your daughter all went through. Second, please don’t worry about us; you were nothing but lovely at lunch in New York sitting next to *two* pregnant women. We’re fine. Plenty of people will coo at our babies and baby photos and want to hear our birth stories. Please grieve in your own way. Grief isn’t polite. But it is not who you are. You are the lovely, warm person I met who gives wonderful hugs and helped me feel included. It must feel all-consuming, but there is more to you than grief.

  • Kris Detrow

    August 13, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    Hi Diana,
    I’m Kris and I’ve been meaning to read your blog for a long time! Today I decided I’m going to start reading it from the very beginning. My husband and I have done international adoption, I’ve lived in Texas, and I love Ree Drummond – so we have a few things in common already : )
    Sincerely,
    Kris From San Diego

  • Lisa

    August 13, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    Diana, you are still Preston and Julian’s mother, just in a much different way. I think about you often and I, too, am one of THOSE girls, but have learned over the years how to handle it. I know that you will too. You are very stronger, stronger then you think.

  • christine

    August 13, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    So much love to you.

  • The Mrs

    August 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    You are most emphatically NOT “That Girl”. You’re you – just you. And we love you muchly.

  • Jennifer

    August 13, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Dear Diana,
    I am so sorry that you are feeling this pain. It is a pain that no person should ever have to feel. I found out that my son had died right on his due date and delivered a beautiful stillborn baby. It was heartbreaking. That was 4 years ago. The pain will never go away, but it changes. Somehow it gets easier to live day by day. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain and know that some day you will be ok. Just take it an hour at a time. I now have 2 more beautiful sons– 2 1/2 and an 8 month old. They are my world. If it wasn’t for them I dont think I would have ever been able to accept what happened to my first son. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
    Jennifer

  • Jess

    August 13, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    My sweet Diana. You write from the heart. We are all “that girl” for so many different reasons. Lost babies. Lost parents. And at the end of the day the ones who loves us know that it’s just a piece of us–it’s not the only thing you are. Do not apologize. Don’t feel afraid to be sad. xoxo

  • Erica

    August 13, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Hello Diana,

    I’m a first time commenter. I hate that I am that girl too. Our daughter died at 21 weeks, 3 days on June 4, 2012 (just after your boys). We also have a daughter that was born in 2009. I am heartbroken, angry, bitter and struggling with guilt. I want my daughter back and I want her healthy; but it’s an impossible dream. I am thinking of you and I am struggling with the approaching due date as well.

    EB

  • Wendy

    August 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Dear Diana,
    I as a woman and mother feel for you so very much. I have a hard time saying all the usual platitudes and I’m sure you’ve heard everything by now. Time will not heal….you will not ‘get lover’s losing your babies nor should you be expected to. Period. They are your sons…for always. Being that girl must be the most excruciating thing. I myself have not lost a child but I am the ‘other’ girl….the one that didn’t lose my babies but continued with a pregnancy while another didn’t get to. My niece, who is like a daughter to me, and I found out we were expecting at the same time. This was my fourth and last pregnancy. and her first. She wasn’t planning on a baby but embraced the idea after she got over her shock. We were having fun sharing our pregnancies together. I then found out I was carrying twins. Then when she went for her 20wk scan they found no heartbeat and concluded that her baby had passed around 16 wks. :C She called me minutes later….hysterical …wounded…I live far away and couldn’t get there but I got. her mother to her. It was bad. I had no idea what to do for her….I tried to stay close….didn’t want to push my continuing pregnancy. in her face. We became a little distanced for the remainder of my pregnancy. I inlcluded her to the point that she didn’t feel alienated but still felt a part of things. It was a fine line to walk….I NEVER wanted to make it more painful for her. I felt so much guilt….here I was with two and she didn’t get to be a Mum to her little one. I have grieved. fir that baby a lot these past months. When I look at mine it is hard sometimes because I know there is supposed to be another their age. My niece didn’t feel strong enough to see my babies until they were 6mo old ….and I totally understood why. But she wrote me and apology after! Poor girl…I told her I understood and it was OK….on her terms was the only way it could be. Being the ‘mother’s girl hasn’t been easy….watching my niece go through this has been devastating to the whole family. I wish I could have made it turn out different …for her and u. There are no words. ..except ‘I’m sorry…..

  • Andrea

    August 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Tears for you. I remember thinking these same things after losing my first pregnancy. But I keep hoping and waiting for you as well. Better things to come.

  • Dana K

    August 13, 2012 at 11:28 am

    This is one part of who you are, a very important part, but it is not the only thing you are, Diana. This is your truth right now and that is all you need to know. You are a mom, a blogger, a wife, a friend…you have lived through tremendous, unthinkable loss. No one can be expected to walk through that and come out unchanged. Your writing touches me and many others, regardless of the topic, because you are honest and real. Thinking of you and your family always.

  • lindsay

    August 13, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Just want to give you a cyber space hug and tell you I think of you often and pray that you find peace and comfort every day.

  • sarah

    August 13, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Hang in there! One day at a time. I can’t imagine the pain and sorrow you are going through. Cling to Jesus’ mother. She lost her son too. She understands your pain and sorrow. While it would be normal if you were angry with him (he can handle it) God is really the only one who can help you through this. You’ll get there – for your daughter, your husband, your adopted child – but it takes time. Be patient with yourself.

    I don’t know if her writing style would be your thing, but you might consider checking out “1000 Gifts – Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are”. The author shares her journey through pain and anxiety, and what has given her hope.

  • Michele Albert

    August 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Diana,

    I am so sorry for you and your family. It is OK to be “that girl” – those that love you will still love you and will grieve with and for you.

    Michele

  • Stephanie

    August 13, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I’m so sorry that you’re had to deal with this kind of a loss. It’s painful, and the wounds never heal. They just get tolerable. Praying for you even though you don’t know me.

    http://twinchaosandfun.blogspot.com/2012/08/beautiful-poem.html

  • Faylyn

    August 13, 2012 at 11:04 am

    I haven’t been through what you’re going through but if I even try to imagine what it must be like I start to cry. Honestly I’m impressed that you have the strength to wake up in the morning, I know I wouldn’t. Nothing I say can make you feel better, so I will leave you with my thoughts and prayers.

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    August 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

    It’s ok to be that girl. Love you all the same 😉

  • Cathy

    August 13, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through 🙁 I wish I could help.

  • Susannah

    August 13, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Oh Diana. There are no words. I’m thinking of you-I don’t know how you do it. I know that doesn’t make it better, I just wanted to let you know my heart is heavy for you.

  • angela

    August 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    I am so sorry you feel like that girl. I want you to know you are not “that girl” to me, though obviously this pain and your boys will always be a huge part of your life and your identity. You have so much to offer the world, and I can only hope that the pain of this gives way to something more joyous and beautiful for you.

  • Christa

    August 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I’m that girl too.

    It sucks. It’s not something that either of us ever wanted or deserved. Almost 5 1/2 months later I still have a hard time looking at babies and pregnant women. I’m downright jealous and at times hateful to them. Why them and not me?

    It’s sucks being that girl but please know you’re not “that girl” all alone. ((hugs))

  • Kim

    August 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I can’t really say anything that hasn’t already been said. What Bethanne said is so very true and cuts to the heart of it. You are my friend, simply, and only because you are you. I hate that this is who you think you are. You ARE so much more, but Preston and Julian are so much, too . . . I love you all with all my heart.

  • Rachel @ The House of Burks

    August 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Hugs, Diana. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I will continue to pray for you.

  • Lanie

    August 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I am sorry – I know those words do not help much but if I had the magic words to make this journey any easier I would say them. I also know that it won’t make you feel much better when I write that I am that girl too. I have buried 2 sons (not twins and years apart). I am a baby loss blogger. I wish I wrote a light happy funny blog but I do not.

    I wish none of us had to live in a world without our children. I am sending you peace and hugs (if I do find any magic I will send it to you ASAP). xo

  • Ashley

    August 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

    It sucks being “that girl”. I know. Please don’t feel like you have to pretend you’re someone else. Your writing inspires me each and every day and knowing that we have so much in common is such a big help to me.

  • Beth Anne

    August 13, 2012 at 9:10 am

    oh, sweet friend.

    For me, you will never be “that girl.” You will always be the strongest woman I know with the most fierce & beautiful heart. You will always be a momma of three & a woman that is willing to open her heart & home to even more children, no matter how it comes to be. You will always be a writer that gets to the gut of things without apologizing, the writer that makes strangers feel things & made us friends before we ever met. You will always be the girl sitting in the other bed while we chatted until we knew we’d be friends forever no matter how many miles between us.

    Yes, you are the momma of two boys in Heaven & oh, how I hurt for you that you have that & how none of us ever wanted it for you. But you are so much more than that to so many of us & I hope you know that.

    xoxo, love you always.

  • Denise

    August 13, 2012 at 9:09 am

    I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain it causes you but I can say that you are so much more than that girl. Hugs to you.

  • Erika

    August 13, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Diana –

    You are brave for writing this. It’s real life and I commend you for sharing it. I want to be honest with you because I think you deserve that. I came to know you through the situation surrounding the loss of your boys. BUT….I have come to love reading (getting to know you) for SO MANY OTHER REASONS. It’s a part of you for sure, but please believe me when I say you are SO MUCH MORE than “that girl.” You helped me navigate the world of cloth diapers, you’ve opened my mind to the option of adoption, you show me that you can balance being a fantastic mommy and pursuing your dreams. You are an inspiration…..and not simply because you blog about baby loss. You are still you….and I cannot express my gratitude enough that you open your world to us each day. Continuing to pray for you and the family! Much love!

  • LDiggitty

    August 13, 2012 at 9:04 am

    You are so much more than the tragedies you endure. I know it feels that way right now, but trust me – you’re not just “that girl.” That girl is only a part of you – and the rest of you will rise like a phoenix.

  • elizabeth

    August 13, 2012 at 9:01 am

    For seven years I was the friend who couldn’t have kids. I know it does not EVEN compare, but I understand all of the feelings. The need to turn away from baby photos, hearing about ANY pregnancy. Sure, I had a child. I had him at 19. I rushed him through every stage to get him grown up enough to go to school. I was older, wiser, remarried and wanted to do it right. Then it didn’t happen. I thought I was being punished for my divorce. You name it.
    I remember running into one friend at the store. She immediately told me that not only was she pregnant again, but she was highly ticked off about it. She said, “I’m sorry because I know how much you want a baby, but I am so mad!” I was shocked. Here I was running after my husbands sperm in a cup, and she was pissed.
    I just had to block it all for awhile. It was that or go nuts. Some people understood, some didn’t. Do whatever you can to stay healthy, and sane. Whatever that looks like. Do it.

  • stephanie

    August 13, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Diana, my heart is so broken for you. For me. For every mom that loses their child. Life isn’t fair and I don’t understand why. You have shared so much since losing your boys. through you and this blog I have started to be more in the moment. I wish I could take away every little ounce of pain for you but I know, in that pain is a love so big only God could possibly understand. Our pain is our memories. Our aching hearts remind us of all the joy we will have in heaven and to embrace today. I don’t think of you as that girl though. There are so many other pieces of you that you have shared here. And, to me, you’re just my Diana.

  • Megan Miller

    August 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Diana I am so sorry for your loss, I started reading your blog a long time ago I dont remember how I found it, but i think from heir to blair’s blog some how. I know nothing anyone says will ever take away your pain. But im praying that god gives you more strength. I know he will. I know you will get through it. You are so strong and it sucks to know this has happened to you. I cry when I read your posts, it makes me so sad that you have to go through this that anyone has to go through this, losing a child or multiple children, I wish I could make it better. When I started reading your blog you were talking about your family and what it was like to get through having a husband who was an alcoholic and what a struggle it was and not knowing what the next day would be like. But you got through it, you did it. Remember how you got through everything, because you are strong. God will help you, zoloft will help you, talking about it in real life and on your blog will help you. The hurt will always be there, you will always think about your boys. But eventually one day you will be better. I know you will I have faith in you.

  • Melissa R Haynie

    August 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Oh how my heart aches for you. I have been that girl too. I have been the one who recoiled when handed a baby who happened to have been born on my son’s birthday. Only she is bright and giggly and my son is ashes in an urn on my counter. I have been the momma who after so much hurt withdrew from the world and had no one follow her into that abyss to help her out aside from my mother and my husband. But I also know this I am a mother who should have a 6 year old little girl and a 5 year old little boy… and I have survived it. I got through panic attacks because every other woman in Target is pregnant. I have moved beyond shared birthdays and due dates. I have come to live with the mantra ” always a blessing, never a loss” and I have come to accept it. It takes time and it hurts and sometimes it hurts so bad it takes me to my knees. You never get over it, you learn to live with it, and we all do that differently. We all hurt differently. It is a club that I hate to see new momma’s come into. But you ARE NOT ALONE… and no matter HOW you approach healing that is what is right for you. <3

  • Erin

    August 13, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you, my sister-in-law, and every other mother who gave birth and walked away empty handed.

  • Kristi @ Creative Kristi

    August 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I don’t know what to say but you are not ‘that girl’ to me-even though I had barely heard of you during Blissdom and then really (obviously) heard of you from your loss. You are a courageous and wonderful woman, wife and mother who is doing it the best she can. Of course you can vent anywhere you please and of course you can cry and block photos and grieve any way you can. If someone can’t handle that or can’t understand then they need to be removed from your life. I wish you nothing more than peace and smiles today.

  • Liz Lovelace

    August 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Diana, I know what you mean. When I was nearing my due date I had to get off facebook. There were too many pregnant friends, and too many new babies. Even today, every time I see another pregnancy announcement I cringe. I don’t want to be that person either. I have a friend whose baby I haven’t seen yet because I’m afraid of my reaction when I do.
    But I’m very sorry this is the only reason I know you. I wish I had found your blog before I heard of you holding onto your sons’ lives.
    Give yourself more time, and know that it’s ok to not want to see babies. I’m sure your friends understand.
    May God continue to hold you in His arms.
    Liz

  • Angela (@MommyMomentMom)

    August 13, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Oh Diana, I have not known the type of pain that you are going through. Although I can kind of relate with the whole “they are having their babies and I am not” feelings.
    I was pregnant with 2 friends of mine and I miscarried and they carried their babies to full term. when their babies were born it was extremely hard for me.
    I pray for you often.
    {{HUGS}}

  • Sara Joy

    August 13, 2012 at 8:23 am

    I am so sorry. And I … I remember this moment. It doesn’t ever really leave you, I think. Just sometimes it is more acute than others – and sometimes overwhelming.
    That woman with the dead baby.
    I’m not sure I ever see myself as anything else, it’s just one of the unbelievably bizarre things you incorporate after the death of your child. I hate that anyone ever has to know the feeling. Hate it.
    I’m so sorry – know that you are not alone. This is not wierd. And you are so very much more than that woman.
    xoxo

  • Bekah

    August 13, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I love you for writing this. I am the same way right now, I hate that I can’t keep my shit together when I see the bump pictures or that I can’t sleep because I’m awake crying over my sweet Evelyn and the baby I never got to know. Along with the other two.. It fucking sucks being that woman.

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