About the Adoption

I feel like I should be more angry, more upset, more something about this whole adoption process and the way it all ended.

And yet.

It’s almost a relief to have it over with for the time. It was beginning to become so.much.stress on us.

I am angry – but then I’m not. I can’t really be, we prayed every night since starting this in May that if we weren’t supposed to adopt right now, God would show us. And He did. How can I be angry about that? He told us no for now, but left the door open for later by allowing us an approved homestudy. We can adopt in a few years, we were told that by both agencies. They just want to see more time passed.

I am embarrassed more than anything. I feel like we rushed it, but I won’t apologize for that. The process and all the focus it took helped me through very, very rough moments in my grief. There was something to cling to, even if it didn’t work out. That’s ok. I’m embarrassed to tell you all though. To have the woman on Twitter tell me that we shouldn’t be allowed to adopt or have children because Sam is a recovering alcoholic. To admit it on here, again. To know that was part of the reason that we were turned down.

Then angry. That we had to go through another grief process in the midst of one already. To know the hopes and dreams I had of it all are gone for a while.

The three things that the last agency told us were to put more time between us and the loss of the boys, also the drinking, and they were concerned about Sam’s childhood and the abuse he went through when he was little. That was a major factor in it all, they felt it had never been truly dealt with.

Only the drinking was something we could control, and the rest is in the past and out of our hands.

I’ve told you all several times that there are many points in a process that I wish I could pretend it was all ok, we never wanted it, we’re fine with what happened. To save face. To make it easier.

To stop the pity that I so desperately do not want from anyone.

Yet here it is. Again. We’re not perfect and even things we tried to make right can still come back to haunt us. I only hope that through this, someone struggling out there might see they aren’t alone. No one has a perfect, cookie cutter life. Peel back the layers and the smiles and you’ll see the struggles and heartache.

It’s what you do in the midst of it that makes you who you are. It’s who you cling to when it all falls down. Again. When you fall on your face with everyone watching and have to admit you aren’t sure what the heck you’re doing. I’m not great at that. But I can’t pretend it’s all ok, because that isn’t my story right now.

We are blessed. We love each other. We have so much to be thankful for.

But I’d be doing my life, my God, and all of you a disservice if all I told you about on here was how good we have it.




  1. Alcoholism is a DISEASE. What the HELL was someone thinking when they said just because your husband has strongly and courageously overcome a disease that you shouldn’t be able to adopt or have children? That’s like telling someone they overcame cancer but… nope… you can’t have kids now just in case they get it too. What a crock! If he was an active alcoholic instead of a recovering one, that would be different. But jeez!

    ((hugs)) to you. I can’t say I know what you are going through because I haven’t been there but you are a very, very strong woman and strong family.

  2. I’m so sorry for all the ridiculous things people can say that hurt you to the core…I’m sorry that you and your family are having to go through a failed adoption. We had 2 failed and it just totally sucks and the worst is no one really knows what this feels like…at least in your “real life”…..you are strong you will get through it….but let yourself have some bad days…they are very necessary!!
    Hugs to you!

  3. I’m praying for you both, Diana. My heart breaks for you because I can’t even imagine what a heartache this is on top of losing your babies. It’s just not fair. No one said it would be fair, I know, but dang, it’s time for a break. Praying for healing and peace and for God to bless you with another child, however that may come. Big hugs.

  4. I am so sorry that you have to go through another loss. My husband & I had a similar hardship with adoption agencies because I have depression & am on medication. I will continue to pray for you & your family…your strength & faith is an inspiration….May God continue to bless you.

  5. How caAn you compare cancer to alcoholism? No choice with cancer

    • Cancer survivor here. Certain behaviors (like smoking) can cause cancer. Does that mean some people “choose” to get cancer? I don’t think so. People don’t choose to have alcoholism, either.

    • Corie Lasiter says:

      There is no choice with alcoholism either. No one chooses to become one. Addiction is a disease just like cancer and unless you have dealt with it you really have no idea.

    • Both Cancer and Alcoholism can kill. Nobody chooses to have an addiction. It’s a disease. Yes both cancer and alcoholism have different situations when it comes to battling it and recovery. Nobody wakes up and says, “Hey, I really want to become so dependent on alcohol that it ruins my life.” Not everyone is successful in battling alcoholism. Some people drink themselves to death even though they knew they would like to stop. It’s not a button they can just switch on and off. Having known Diana and her family through this, I know how hard it’s been and how much she and her husband fight to keep the disease of alcoholism at bay. In a sense, it’s a lot harder to battle because there is no drug you can take to make it go away…or try to make it go away. I think that unless you’ve experienced first hand what it’s like to have a family member or close friend dealing with addiction, you can’t understand how it truly is a disease that can kill.

      • Nobody puts that first drink to your mouth. Drinking is a choice. Allowing that to impact those around you is a choi e. There is free will involved. If cancer cells grow in breast, unbeknownst to me, I am not responsible. If I chose to get plastered and Hirt my family, it’s a choice. Labeling it a disease doesn’t absolve an alcoholic of responsibility.

        • Also, one last thing…Diana is on here pouring her heart and soul out to all of us. She doesn’t deserve to be judged. She is a wise one and courageousness for sharing these raw feelings. Let’s not berate her further when she’s already so hard on herself.

        • Drinking is a choice…alcoholism is not a choice. There are people who can drink but not become alcoholics. There are people who can smoke without getting cancer. There is a lot more courage in people who overcome problems than in people who never have any serious problems to begin with. To say that someone who has overcome problems in life should not be able to have children just in case they end up having problems again is just ridiculous. None of us know what the future holds…we can only deal with where and who we are NOW. And we shouldn’t be judged on who we were in the past, but who we are in the present and who we strive to be in the future.
          Diana, I’m so sorry for all you guys are going through. For what it’s worth, we struggled with secondary infertility for 6 years after our miscarriage… making it 8 years between our first son and our second. At the time it was horrible, and so hard to deal with when we wanted a larger family. But now, looking back, I can see what a blessing it was to have an only child for those 8 years, and how wonderful to be able to spend real time with each of our 4 children, who are spread out over 20 years, as the individual baby and toddler before the next child came along. Certainly if the twins were still with you, or if you’d been able to adopt right away, there would be blessings with that situation, too, but you might someday realize that while things didn’t turn out as you’d hoped, your time with just Bella was magical as well. Try to live in and enjoy the moment, for what it is, and not for what you hope it will be like in the future…that will come soon enough! :)

      • Yes. It’s your free will to take that first sip. Completely. 100% agree. But not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Not everyone suffers from alcoholism. Not everyone can choose to just one day stop. That’s all I’m trying to say. There are parts to alcoholism or any drug addiction where free will just doesn’t work. People addicted to something cannot just stop. Their bodies go through withdrawal. They need a sip of alcohol to just function because their bodies have become so dependent on it. It’s not a switch that you can just turn on and off at free will. That’s all I’m trying to say. We can agree to disagree and leave it at that. I’ve had family members die of cancer. I’ve seen friends and family battle addiction. And I don’t look down on one person differently. That’s all I’m trying to say.

  6. Hugs to you. You are so incredibly strong and I pray that god will continue to do what he knows is best for you and your family.

  7. What a brave, faithful and transparent woman you are. I know that God will use your testimony to bless many others who may be walking similar paths. Scratch the surface of any of us, and you will find the gunk underneath…but I also know that he has used the “gunk” in my life to make me more like him. He has also allowed me to comfort others with the comfort with which He has comforted me. (2Cor1:4) You are doing that very thing as you share and it is obvious who you all are clinging to right now. I just know that He has said this “no” for now because He has a spectacular “YES” in your future – better than you can think or imagine! Praying for you and yours, dear sister.

  8. love you so much.

  9. You are a wise one my friend “Peel back the layers and the smiles and you’ll see the struggles and heartache.It’s what you do in the midst of it that makes you who you are.” I’m writing this stuff down to remember. Such an important lesson you are sharing with all of us :)

  10. I can understan the no wanting pity and not always wanting to be so honest, but I cannot express how much I love your honesty — how real you and your husband are. You’re not pretending to be perfect or like you have it perfectly all together. You leave your heart. And that’s why I LOVE reading your blog

  11. I so wish you weren’t learning that whole, “God has a plan”thing through this. I’m sorry, I am. But there’s no pity here.You’re making sound choices and know what you are doing — I’d pity you if you DIDN’T do these things. Also,for that chick on Twitter? THROAT PUNCH. Than a kick or two, just to make sure she got the message. :)

  12. You are not alone. My family is also struggling with the heartache, sadness, embarrassment, and grief of a failed adoption. We had a teenager for 16 months who we were trying to adopt. She left in a huff, and through the whole ordeal had to close our home. They also told us that we could adopt years later. We are blessed with two girls of our own, but the stuggle is very real still. Plus we knew this girl, She lived in our home, and she chose to leave… Rejection hurts, but you are not alone! {hugs}

  13. PS…there shouldn’t be embarrassment about an adoption that didn’t go through any more than there should be embarrassment about miscarriage or infertility. It’s simply a situation that didn’t work out as you’d hoped… no one should be embarrassed for trying!

  14. Love you friend :) And I admire so much your honesty in sharing your life here with all of us. I know it’s a blessing to me and so many others! xoxo

  15. Sue Greiner says:

    I think you are the strongest, bravest person I know.We should all be so honest and brave. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  16. People like the Twitter woman make me want to slap them. Seriously, where do they get off thinking they have the right to say things like that? Who decides who is good enough to have kids? To be told you shouldn’t have or adopt kids because of past mistakes is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If Sam was still having drinking problems, that would be one thing. But he’s not. I’d like to give that woman a piece of my mind.
    I am thankful that you are honest about your journey, and not afraid to be open and raw about things. But you are an inspiration, as you seek to grow and learn through your experiences instead of just becoming bitter. I read this today in my devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. I thought you might appreciate it, too.
    “If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.”
    I have been able to thank Him for breaking my heart in the past, but it took a long time to get to that point. It takes time to heal, and it’s never easy. I can’t imagine having to heal from the kind of things you’ve been through. I’m just so glad that you put your faith and trust in God, who is the only One able to help you through it. God bless you. <3

  17. The adoption hasn’t ended though, right? I mean, it’s not like you’re done forever. It’s “paused.” You can still talk about it, think about it, imagine what it will be like. There’s no need for embarrassment. You and Sam were brave and opened your home and hearts and were honest. There’s nothing to be ashamed about in that at all. Be proud. Tell others. I wish things would move faster. I wish there was more certainty. I wish there was a way to show others the future and how well an adoption would work out for you, your family and the baby you would welcome and love. But life just isn’t that way. We can’t know or dictate the future. And sometimes that’s what makes it beautiful and worth it. And I know you know this and don’t need to hear it from me, but Just keep going. Time keeps moving and there are surprises around every corner. Your story and perspective is so real and comforting.

  18. I do not think anyone pittys you. I don’t. I am so sad for you but there is nothing to look down on. You are a great mom who is going through A LOT of stuff that is not fair. Your husband is no longer an alcoholic and that is definitely not to be looked down on. Both of you have succeeded where many fail. I am sorry adoption is on hold for now. But your attitude is fantastic. I hope something wonderful happens to you today.

  19. Hi Diana – I have been following your story since earlier this year (I think I found you from Jenny at What the Blog). I love your posts and your honesty. You should never feel embarassed about “rushing things” – it was what you wanted and hoped for and it made sense to you at the time. You WILL be able to expand your family in the future – it may not always look exactly like what you envisioned, but it will happen!!

  20. hey diana :) i’ve been reading for awhile but never commented. just wanted to be the reminder i so often need:
    the gospel makes us beautiful in the most amazing way; i don’t think the woman who says hurtful things on twitter understands that. the gospel is beautiful not because it makes perfect people more perfect, but because it makes broken people whole (by making the Perfect broken- wow). i’m so thankful for what the good news has done in my life and in yours. my pastor finished a series on revelation on sunday, and we discussed the vs in rev 22 that says that the church is arrayed in fine, white linen. i don’t see that when i look at my life, but this is one of those amazing moments where we get to glimpse the bride through the eyes of the groom. praying for you and yours today!

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