I feel like I should be more angry, more upset, more something about this whole adoption process and the way it all ended.
It’s almost a relief to have it over with for the time. It was beginning to become so.much.stress on us.
I am angry – but then I’m not. I can’t really be, we prayed every night since starting this in May that if we weren’t supposed to adopt right now, God would show us. And He did. How can I be angry about that? He told us no for now, but left the door open for later by allowing us an approved homestudy. We can adopt in a few years, we were told that by both agencies. They just want to see more time passed.
I am embarrassed more than anything. I feel like we rushed it, but I won’t apologize for that. The process and all the focus it took helped me through very, very rough moments in my grief. There was something to cling to, even if it didn’t work out. That’s ok. I’m embarrassed to tell you all though. To have the woman on Twitter tell me that we shouldn’t be allowed to adopt or have children because Sam is a recovering alcoholic. To admit it on here, again. To know that was part of the reason that we were turned down.
Then angry. That we had to go through another grief process in the midst of one already. To know the hopes and dreams I had of it all are gone for a while.
The three things that the last agency told us were to put more time between us and the loss of the boys, also the drinking, and they were concerned about Sam’s childhood and the abuse he went through when he was little. That was a major factor in it all, they felt it had never been truly dealt with.
Only the drinking was something we could control, and the rest is in the past and out of our hands.
I’ve told you all several times that there are many points in a process that I wish I could pretend it was all ok, we never wanted it, we’re fine with what happened. To save face. To make it easier.
To stop the pity that I so desperately do not want from anyone.
Yet here it is. Again. We’re not perfect and even things we tried to make right can still come back to haunt us. I only hope that through this, someone struggling out there might see they aren’t alone. No one has a perfect, cookie cutter life. Peel back the layers and the smiles and you’ll see the struggles and heartache.
It’s what you do in the midst of it that makes you who you are. It’s who you cling to when it all falls down. Again. When you fall on your face with everyone watching and have to admit you aren’t sure what the heck you’re doing. I’m not great at that. But I can’t pretend it’s all ok, because that isn’t my story right now.
We are blessed. We love each other. We have so much to be thankful for.
But I’d be doing my life, my God, and all of you a disservice if all I told you about on here was how good we have it.