About the Photos of the Boys

October 5, 2012

I wrote on here about how I was so angry that I could never show photos of the boys on my blog. Or Facebook. Or anywhere really.

And so, so many of you wrote to ask why that was – did I not have any pictures? Was I worried about comments? What was it?

So yes, I have pictures of them. Both. Some my mom took, some we took, some the nurses took. I wish with all my heart we had thought of the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” people or someone that did that type of photography but it was 3am and such a blur that I didn’t think of it till they were gone. A few of you emailed/tweeted me as fast as you could about it and I’ve never forgotten that – it was special to know that was thought of for us.

Very few people in our lives have seen the pictures. I don’t show them because I know people can be very cruel. They look like babies – just very tiny. Very red. But quite perfect. Preston had Sam’s nose. Julian had the shape of his head. Their little lips were mine. I was stunned that they were babies, I don’t know what I expected. You see those pictures throughout the weeks of their growth and ultrasounds but when you see them – it kinda just takes your breath away at the perfection your body was growing.

When Michelle Duggar showed just the picture of her hand and her daughter’s that they lost, I stumbled on a blog post (some big time, popular one like Slate) that ripped her to shreds for having more kids and for showing pictures of “it.” The words were so evil, so mean spirited, I was floored. Even though I thought her having more children was a little much, it still was a baby she lost.

Only so many people don’t see it that way.

Photos are easily lifted off here. Passed around. Altered. I don’t know if my heart could bear someone to be unkind to the only things I have that bring me back to that day, those hours. I mean, those are my sons. I feel the same protectiveness about them as I do Bella.

Maybe one day I will be like so many of the amazingly brave women who I see post their pictures, and my heart aches to show my little boys. But for now, those are just mine and Sam’s. Tucked away. Little memories we cherish and that I sit and cry over when it hits me just how much I lost that day.

But I wanted to say, thank you for caring. Thank you for asking and for telling me when I’m ready, you will be there to cry with me.

18 Comments

  • souphead

    October 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    i completely understand and if you don’t want to or aren’t ready to share those pictures there is nothing at all wrong with that. should you change your mind, you know we will all be here to cry with you and share virtual hugs.

    we all have our own opinions on the Duggars, but to say something cruel to any woman who has lost a child is just so inhuman. i’ll never understand why or how people can be so ugly.

    xoxo

  • Amy

    October 6, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    You don’t need to apologize for keeping your precious pictures private. People can be surprisingly cruel and I don’t blame you for wanting to protect your boys and your heart.

  • Carrie

    October 5, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I’ve never been in a situation like yours before, but I imagine I’d have the same fears. Hugs to you. <3

  • Tina

    October 5, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    I can’t share mine for some reason, they seem so personal. There is one I do want to share, one of my sons foot, but I don’t know what people would say/think so I never shared it. Some women are brave and show them, but I totally understand why many don’t.

  • Rheanna

    October 5, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Even though you didn’t have to, it is quite commendable that you chose to explain to us, your readers, why you made the decisions you did. They are yours to make and we totally respect them. I don’t know that I would feel any different if it were me. It is such a blessing to be a part of your life through this little blog. You are a shining example, in my mind, of a Godly woman and Bella, Preston and Julian couldn’t have a better mommy in my opinion.

  • Theresa

    October 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I have pictures of Cecilia, but only of her hands and feet. The hospital did not take any of her whole body and face. I have come to realize I am angry about that. Because Cecilia passed they believe a week or two before she was born sleeping there was some deterioration of her body. The nurses decided to not take pics to “protect” me. I know she was perfect, I wish I had those pictures, but I don’t. So I hold onto the fact that I have the few pictures I do, though it is still too hard to look at them. In time I may frame them, but for now they sit in a memory box. I may never show them to anyone else, I just don’t know. All that is to say, all of us that have lost babies need to just do what is best for us. Love and hugs to you.

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    October 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Oh sweet friend. Just as with any of your posts about the boys, it would be heartbreaking if someone said anything negative. But this is your space. When you are ready to share we will all do our best to protect you and cry with you. Your boys were absolutely perfect and God-sent. It’s ok to cherish that. <3 <3 Sending prayers and hugs.

  • Holly Sosa

    October 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I recently posted photos of my son, Liam, whom I lost the same time as your did the boys. I have only received one negative email about the photos, which I shrugged off. God made Liam perfectly. I am so proud of my little man & all of the lives he has touched. It’s a highly personal decision for those of us who have lost. For me, I felt that he was my son. I post photos of my two year old, so why feel ashamed or worried about Liam’s photos? If anything they have brought more positivity & have helped me touch other mothers who have lost their baby.

    If you’re interested, here is a link to my post with Liam’s photos: http://www.ourhollydays.com/p/liams-story.html

  • Noelle

    October 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I totally understand. I too was floored by people’s response to the Duggar pictures. I would love to see
    pictures of those sweet baby boys. ((Hugs))

  • Julie

    October 5, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Thank you for explaining. I understand your reasons. People are cruel and horrible at times, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to give them the opportunity to do things like that. No matter how someone feels about Michelle Duggar’s choices, it is dead wrong of them to call a baby girl an “it” and attack her for sharing pictures. How incredibly short-sighted and mean-spirited. It’s your prerogative to share or to not share those pictures. Just know that if you ever do, I will be here to cry with you. God bless.

  • jenn

    October 5, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I have been following your story but never posted here. I can totally relate to the “fear” and need to protect your boys. My daughter was born at 28 weeks and I so afraid to post her pictures. I am afreid of how others will react, what people will say/think and I am afried to relive that time in my life. I just want you to know that if you ever decide to share, your babies will be a welcomed part of your story. I truely hope and pray that your heart is beginning to heal and that knowing so many people around the world love you and your boys and your family will bring a smile to your face!!

  • Skye

    October 5, 2012 at 8:03 am

    When you wrote that, I wondered too but didn’t ask. I would love to see photos of your sons, but I completely understand your hesitation. I love Michelle’s idea of having drawings made of your sons- even if you don’t share them, just to display in your home (either next to their photos or separate). If I could draw, I would offer to do them for you. Maybe you have artists among your readers? Anyway, I am glad you have the photos for you guys to look at, and if you are ever ready to share them, you have many supporters. Hugs.

  • Deanna

    October 5, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Diane, please know what we admire you and your family..you have shared with us your joy and your pain….We all respect you

  • Erika

    October 5, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Diana, those are so intimately personal we certainly respect your sense of timing. I’m so happy to hear of their perfection and who they resembled! It lifted my spirits this day. Even though my heart still aches for you, I am renewed watching as you, Sam, and Bella navigate your waters in such a honest way. I applaud your courage and love your soul. Thank you for including us in your lives.

  • Carrie R

    October 5, 2012 at 7:27 am

    You can share when you are ready… and it is okay if you never are. <3 I understand your worries and concerns. And while if anyone would say or do anything awful with the photos of your sweet boys, all of us would come to your defense and put them in their place, those are YOUR memories. Your photos. You have to do what is right for you and your family. Sending you so much love, hun… <3

  • Michelle

    October 5, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Hey Diana- I’ve never commented before, but had an idea as I was reading this post. I remember stumbling onto a blog a few years ago in which a woman who lost twins at 20ish weeks had an artist rendering created of them based on the photos that she had taken. The woman no longer runs that particular blog, so I can’t send a link, but maybe that’s an option? The artist rendering was beautiful- it was black and white, and the artist did a great job of bringing out the babies’ facial features. Maybe you could have something like that created? This blogger displayed the picture in her home, and she said it made her feel better to have a permanent, beautiful space dedicated to her babies. (I think she still waited several months before sharing the artist rendering on her blog, too, for all the same reasons you mentioned.) I think all of your readers completely understand your reasons for not wanting to share the photos on here. It stinks that there are some awful people out there who do and say terrible things about photos like that.

    1. Stefanie

      October 5, 2012 at 9:00 am

      I think this is a great idea – in fact, many women in my support group, MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) have had a lovely lady named Dana draw portraits of their babies and they are STUNNING. She has a Facebook page as well, but her website is: http://portraitsbydana.com/ – I definitely recommend looking into it, Diana! Big hugs! I share my son’s photos (18.5 wks gestation), but only because it is only friends and family who really see him. You are on such a bigger platform and I completely understand guarding your heart against those cruel comments. The one person who said something cruel about my Chase’s pictures was actually my own aunt, sadly. She promptly got deleted as a Facebook friend then!

    2. Rheanna

      October 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

      This is such a beautiful idea.

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