Hands Out, Asking for More

October 17, 2012

My heart aches as I think of where to head next.

Correction.

As I try to guess where God wants us to head next while really attempting to dictate it all (Jesus, don’t take the wheel – you’re not going the way I want and mine is faster plus you drive too slow).

“Give it a break!” you might be thinking. “What’s the rush?”

There is a slight sense of urgency with us about all of this. I can’t explain it yet, you’ll have to trust me.

We could attempt to look into another agency, but common sense tells me that we need to wait. I believe God let our homestudy be approved so that we are able to adopt in the next couple of years, where as a failed one wouldn’t have probably allowed us that. I think about adoption now, how far we came, how on board we were; no anger. None. A thankfulness that we had something to get us through these past 5 months, looking forward to it even though it didn’t happen this time. I’m confused, a bit bewildered we have to wait again, but not angry anymore.

So now what? What happens next? I don’t want to wait till Bella is 5 or 6 to expand our family.

Do we chance this again? Do we do this knowing I’ll be sick and high risk? That we have resources we didn’t have with the twins, and yet the sense of lost innocence as well? How would another pregnancy feel with knowing what losing a baby is like?

And yet.

How can we not? How can I look back at the end of my life and say, “I’m so glad we didn’t try to have any more kids.” When I know that’s not what my heart would be fulfilled with.

When did these decisions and choices become a part of my life? Wasn’t it just last year at this time I was debating having any more kids because Bella had been such a rough pregnancy? Who knew what the next year would bring.

With almost every breath these days, I pray God hears my heart, my desires, and yet points me in the direction He knows is best for me. How hard that is. How much I struggle with it. How I don’t deserve anything I have that He’s given me, broken and a mess, yet here I stand with my hands out and ask for more.

 

20 Comments

  • Katie

    October 21, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    Today we prayed in church: “open my eyes, open my ears, open my heart, close my mouth.”

    So easy to say, so hard to do.

    The best thing is, He knows. He knows what will happen and how it will turn out. That is also the hardest part.

    Love.

  • Ms. Future PharmD

    October 20, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    I really love Keiko Zoll’s THE YOU PROJECT (from over at TheInfertilityVoice dot com). I haven’t actually started working on it yet, but it might be a path to discernment for you. My daughter will finally have a sibling just about the time she turns five, and I’ve come to accept that it’s just part of the plan after the three miscarriages and secondary infertility diagnosis, so don’t sweat the “perfect family spacing” too much. It will work out in the long run.

  • Ruby

    October 19, 2012 at 4:44 am

    I saw you pin the FAM method & thought I’d head over here to see what was up. (((hugs)))) and strength for you my dear. There is no way to know what the right decision is, and when it comes to kids, things are never logical. Is there any possibility for you & Sam to have a little getaway some time? A night in a hotel, with two days to enjoy each other and ponder it together?

  • Anne-Marie

    October 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    There’s an affirmation/prayer in my church that goes:

    “Change not my circumstance; change me.”

    And it’s one of the hardest to say with sincerity, to really, truly want. But I find myself repeating it in my head a lot when what I want gets blocked by something completely out of my control. I hope that helps a little.

  • Sarah

    October 17, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Have you ever done the Bible study, Experiencing God?? I’m working my way through it right now with a women’s group in my church. It’s doing amazing things to my heart…unfortunately (sarcasm) the biggest thing is I hear God telling me to wait on Him, He will guide me one step at a time, in His timing. (I hate waiting, I want to DO.) It’s an amazing 12 week study…maybe you and Sam could do it together with another couple or you could do it with a couple trusted close friends? It’s even possible to do long-distance. It’s the second time through for me (last time was 12 years ago) and just as amazing this time around. Just an idea:) I’ll be praying for wisdom, discernment, trust, and courage!

  • Kim

    October 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Be still and listen. That’s all I’ve got. Sending you love and prayers.

  • Jenny

    October 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    It’s not your hands out asking for more, it’s your heart yearning for more. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, nor can you control your heart’s desire. You know what you feel means a great deal and it will lead you to the right place, while following His guidance as well. Many hugs to you always! <3

  • Beth Anne

    October 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    I love your heart so much & fully support whatever your decision is.

  • Laura LaFonte

    October 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I know one of the other posts mentioned it but I know of other women that have had trouble with pregnancies, miscarriages, etc. that have taken Lovenox and it helped them carry to term and deliver babies. I take Lovenox but not for those reasons. I usually take Coumadin but that is toxic to a fetus and so I have to switch over to Lovenox before getting pregnant. I guess that’s how I found out about these other women. I began reading all of these message boards online about all of these women and the problems they were having and how Lovenox helped them. Just a thought.

  • Jessi J.

    October 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Follow your heart, mama. I will be praying for you. Whether it be pregnancy or adoption, I feel that your family is not complete quite yet. Prayers!

  • Jacqueline

    October 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I’m struggling with the same issue (we lost our daughter at 40 weeks in March)… We decided to go through our county to become foster parents and we’ll be able to adopt if the baby/toddler becomes available for adoption. Our homestudy was also just approved. I know our loss was never an issue in the foster-to-adopt process. Maybe that’s an avenue you’d like to explore? We have also decided to pursue another pregnancy. My faith in God continues to outweigh my fear of another loss. With God, I can do anything – you can too. <3

    1. Julie

      October 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm

      We too lost our baby at 40 weeks (in April 2012). We are in the process of domestic adoption and just started looking into the possibility of becoming foster parents. Each situation requires a tremendous amount of faith! Oh that God would send us an email explaining His will for our lives. 🙂 Alas, it doesnt happen that way. God, help us to trust!

      1. Jacqueline

        October 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

        All the best in your adoption, Julie! If you ever want to chat, my email is jacqueline702ATyahoo.ca. God bless <3

  • Julie O

    October 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    These situations are so hard. Ideally, I want to do no birth control at all and leave baby-making up to God, for the entirety of our marriage. We did that for the first year of marriage, to an extent. We both wanted to start a family right away. But it didn’t happen until we’d been married for almost a year. I was frustrated that it was taking so long, wondering if I couldn’t get pregnant (was there something wrong with me?), and ready to start the adoption process when we found out I was pregnant. Because I knew for sure that I wanted to adopt if we couldn’t have kids, and my husband, though less adamant, was on the same page.

    I’m 34 1/2 weeks along now, and it’s time to start figuring out what comes next, after Baby is born. I am going to breastfeed, which is supposed to be a natural birth control (to a certain extent). But it’s not guaranteed. My sister got pregnant with her second while she was breastfeeding her first, and they were 15 months apart. I really want to do no birth control, and leave it in God’s hands. If He gives us another child that soon, I’ll trust that He’ll give me the strength to handle it. But my husband isn’t quite on the same page. He wants to do some kind of birth control, condoms at the very least. I really want to live life in faith that God is in control and won’t let me get pregnant if He doesn’t want me to. But sometimes people get pregnant on birth control, and that’s God working, too. That’s hubby’s argument.

    And we haven’t had anything close to what you’ve gone through in the loss of your twins. I have a feeling that if we were in your shoes, his military husband instincts would go overboard with trying to protect me from going through that again. He has all the best intentions, of course, but I don’t agree with him on that.

    Because, even though it’s hard to admit, the bad things that happen to us aren’t outside of God’s will. No, He doesn’t “want” them to happen, and His heart broke along with yours when you lost your sons. But He used that horrible hurt for good, and you have seen already how you’ve grown as a result. Not that God wants us to hurt, but that sometimes it is necessary for our growth. So while I would hate to go through something like that, I would rather go through it with God by my side than avoid the experience by living in fear. If He is who I say He is, He can handle ANYTHING that comes my way, and I want to leave it all up to Him completely. I just haven’t been successful in convincing hubby of that, so far at least.

    I won’t give you advice, because who can give advice on something like this? Especially when I haven’t gone through anything similar. But I will encourage you that it is your choice. No one else’s. And if you decide never to try for more kids ever again, that’s okay. You won’t be a failure as a mother, or as a believer, or anything like that. This is one of those areas where there is freedom in decision. I know some great Christian people who believe all across the board in this gray area. And that’s okay. So don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for your choices. Just make the best decisions you can, according to your conscience, and God will bless you for that.

    Love and hugs to you, Sam, and Bella. You are a daily inspiration to me. <3

  • Holly Sosa

    October 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I decided to try again after losing Liam. I was given a cerclage & had to take daily injections of Lovenox & other pill medicines…& it got Collin, my three year old, here safe & sound. I’m currently pregnant with my last child & struggled with the same things you talk about here. Do I try again with a three year old & a two year old step-son? Would it be fair to my family? I followed my heart & where God led me. And I have a cerclage in now & am doing the same medicine regimen with this pregnancy & have been doing everything I did before. I remind myself to take it easy when I see I’m doing too much & I don’t feel at all that my family has missed out on having me at 100%. It is scary after losing a child. Very hard emotionally. In fact, I talk about it on my blog. You do worry, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t thankful & happy every day for my decision to try again. 🙂

  • Miranda

    October 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    I so wanna say just trust God, but it is so much easier said than done, right? I pray that Bella gets a sibling yet, whether adopted or biological. I know you do too. Hoping you find answers as you seek His will. God bless.

  • Kendra

    October 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I’m guessing God has as much faith in you as you have in Him. You will know the right thing to do for your family and you can chose your path. He will be there to support you through it all. Follow your heart. And for the record, I don’t think you should feel shame in asking for more. We aren’t talking about being the richest woman in the world and asking for more money. This is your life, your family, your happiness. There is no shame in any of it.

  • molly

    October 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I can’t imagine the mental struggle it is to contemplate conceiving after a huge loss, such as yours. It is hard to listen to God. Hard to wait on him.

    It’s not the same at all, but I wait on Him for an answer as to whether we should expand our family. I’d like to believe I know the answer after a year of “thinking about it.” But it’s still not clear. And it’s driving the planner in me crazy.

  • Jen

    October 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Did they say why your water broke at 19 weeks with the boys? I wonder if they could do something to prevent it (the same way they stitch a cervix closed if someone has IC).

    I know what you mean about the fear of trying again. Of losing again. Both of my pregnancies have been really easy, but I know next time I will be so afraid during the last few weeks. I know that life can steal that baby away in a second. I’m looking forward to the future when we can have another little one at home, but for the first time ever, I’m not looking forward to the pregnancy. I already put in my nine months of waiting. Who wants to go through that again when you’re not guaranteed a baby at the end?

    I’m praying God opens to door to adoption again soon or shows you that He will carry you through another pregnancy.

    xoxo

  • StylinMom

    October 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    do what your heart is telling you…your heart is never wrong…
    take care…
    hugs

Comments are closed.

Prev Post Next Post