It seems to me as if life rarely slows for very long here. Which is a good thing in so many ways. Keeps us moving forward.
We are gearing up for some big changes, but until I can share them, I’ll tell you all what life is like around here this fall.
I’m getting into the swing of homeschooling Bella and love it. I spend hours pouring over books and sites/blogs to get ideas for our week. I have to admit, it’s a pretty special thing to get to watch your child learn and grow, knowing you’re going to be able to be there for the majority of those “Ah ha!” moments.
The other night we sat out on the back porch wrapped in a blanket and watched the stars, talked about the airplanes, and she brought up the babies in heaven. I want us to be that family, the ones who never hide what we went through together. That Bella grows up a woman who deeply understands the value of life and the love of a mother for her children, no matter how long they lived.
I have mostly good days but of course, some are harder than others. I have to say that seeing our counselor helps so much, I really want to encourage anyone who has lost a baby and thought about going to look into it. Screw the stigma and crap others might give you because of it – it’s amazing to have someone sit and listen to you for an hour about your children. As time passes, less and less people want to rehash it while some of us still need to for healing. My counselor (who also does play therapy with Bella) makes me feel like a normal, sane, right to grieve mom when I am with her. I’d pay anything to talk about my babies and work out my anger and emotions at it all.
I’ve started up yoga again. Just for me though. No diets, no fads. Just yoga for me. I have a tummy from the boys and some of my clothes don’t fit but for the first time in my life I don’t really care. Honest to goodness – it crosses my mind but I just don’t care right now. I’m ok with being a little porky because I’m learning to slowly cut myself some slack in areas.
Sam goes to therapy with me, and it’s making a world of difference in our communication with each other and with Bella. We are learning how to grieve in our own ways and yet respect each other’s differences in it. Men do this so differently. I’m just now beginning to really understand that.
I have triggers all the time – the ambulance going by, going towards the hospital, anything about twins. And flashbacks, really vivid ones that I must have suppressed these past 5 months. I can play whole scenes from that week in my head that I’ve never even thought of since it happened. It’s very hard to shut off at night.
We are STILL waiting to hear about the adoption and all that goes with that. Lord have mercy that does a number on my stress level. I just want to know. And yet I understand that it’s all in God’s timing and there must be a reason. Because if it had gone as fast as I had wanted it to in the beginning, we would have never gotten to know this little boy we’re hoping to make a part of our family.
We have our ups and downs, but I am so thankful for a God who has brought us this far and so much closer to him as a family and individually. Our lives have taken a dramatic shift since we lost the boys. We cling to Him, knowing that he loves them both far more than we ever will, and whatever comes of this He’ll make it a painfully beautiful part of our story together.