For a long time on here, I didn’t mention anything about being a Christian. I was too afraid to come off as a “crazy” and no one would want to read me. My biggest fear…
was coming off as trying to be Beth Moore.
WHO IS A LOVELY PERSON.
But to me, she represented that side of Christianity I didn’t like, the perfect, “y’all, I just love the Lord so much”, bow your perfectly done head of hair and fold those lovely nails and thank the baby Jesus that our new Cadillac got those tires at half price.
I’ve found out in the past year Beth Moore is much, much more than a beautiful woman – she’s amazing. And that is my judgmental side taking a beating right there.
Anyway, before I lost the boys I’d started to feel this tug to write more about my faith, but wasn’t sure how to even do that. I wanted to know God more, to really have a relationship with him – but I felt like I was just posing. Going through the Christian motions.
After the twins, I just had a complete change of heart. I wanted to share my faith, to talk about Jesus the same way I talk about Sam and Bella. Not 24-7, but when I do, in a way that people believe I love Him. I trust Him, and He’s my world. Something inside me snapped after they died, I was done pretending on here that God and I were close – but not THAT close. Distant cousins.
I didn’t want that faith anymore. I wanted it to be real, deep, soul searching, and raw.
So I share it on here, my struggles and my faith, the deepest parts of me. It’s not easy for a couple of reasons. One is that many people read my blog who are angry at me, who think I’m angry at them (some I am), and who have seen a nasty side of me. I understand that, and there are choices I have made in each to rectify or simply move on. Right or wrong. However it’s still hard to write on loving Jesus knowing someone is reading this and thinking, “Hypocrite.”
The other side is one I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s the publicity of my faith. I am involved in She Reads Truth, an online Bible study started by some dear friends of mine, and it’s literally changed my life, my grieving process, the way I view myself as a wife and mother. It’s a wonderful thing to have for busy women.
It’s also online – and to participate and find others means being public with my faith. And I’m ok with that – it’s the part of trying to figure out what is something I need to post or want to for connecting, and which part is simply the ”LOOK AT WHAT AN AMAZING CHRISTIAN I AM. BEST EVAH.”
I go back and forth about what brings glory to God and what simply brings glory to me. Taking pictures of doing a Bible study at home? Instagraming a journal writing? Screenshots of daily verses? Where is the boundary – is there one? When is faith meant to be private and with God alone, and when is it meant to connect us with others?
I have no problem with any of the things above – it’s all my own doings that I ponder on. I know that Instagram pics give me inspiration, are gentle reminders of when to take time. Blog posts inspire me. But I’ll admit, there are times I wonder if everyone does it out of bringing joy and attention to God only. I think people have a different line – so let’s not bash someone who publicizes their faith in a different way. I’m just trying to find where the focus stops on Jesus and starts rolling back to me so I can end it. In my life – not someone else’s.
In this day and age, how do you connect publicly without losing the point of faith?