There are many days around here where my life feels at a standstill. Personally, my home life. It feels familiar and yet out of place to only have Bella at home after this past year. I’ve been so, so busy with work that the times I get to look up and see how different things are from what I thought they would be by now is still a bit hard.
As much as I’ve tried to trust God for the path He wants me to be on, I have to admit there are days where I don’t have a clue what that means. Or where I’m headed. Or even if I’m still on the right track.
Days where God seems so very far away that I’m lost as to what to do.
I feel, and I’m sure others do as well, closer to God in the hard times. When things are good, God often gets pushed out of my mind. I feel that surge of, “I did it! I’ve got this” on whatever it might be.
These past 6 (6!) months have brought times of ups, downs, anxiety, impatience, strength, trust, but most of all…
Lots and lots of waiting. God has taken things out of my control so often that I almost hesitate to pray anymore, “If this isn’t your will though” for fear that I may never get my own will at all.
I can’t see the ending. I can’t see the other paths we didn’t get to take. But it sure is hard at the moment to think the one we’re being led down is the one God has in mind, when the others seemed pretty good to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed. I have so, so much to be thankful for, so much of what I have been given I also worried and fretted over in years past. Working from home, writing, a stronger faith, a healthy little girl, a husband who doesn’t drink, stable incomes, good relationships. All of these I can easily overlook in the moment of wanting more. There is a give and take in each thing I get, but when it comes at a price it’s hard to be completely thankful for it.
The waiting moments are the hardest. Harder at times than the hurt of being told no. I read a little book the other night that altered the way I thought about these period when God seems to be watching from the heavens while I wonder what took Him away. Waiting on God says, “God’s silence is not His absence. All of our Christian life we’re prepared to hear God speak to us, but nothing prepares us for His silence.”
How true. I can remember so many times hearing about God speaking. Rarely do we talk on when God doesn’t seem to be doing much of anything.
Then it says, “…God is never late, and He’s usually not early… He’s always right on time.”
My life is not my own. The things that are milestones that we feel entitled to as adults, sometimes we find out they have nothing to do with us. Nothing to do with how nice we are, how much money we have, how many Facebook friends like our posts , how often we attend church. Those can’t control the path that God has laid out for us.
In my waiting place, I am learning to trust even more. To dig down and find where my faith is in the silence. To remember the good that I have, the many blessings my life is full of and thank God for giving me them – any of them. It’s hard. It’s easier to focus on what isn’t here.
Then I realize that what I have right now in my life, used to be the reason for a waiting place before.