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5 weeks.

I’m 5 weeks today. There was a part of me that didn’t want to write this post for fear of – I don’t know. A jinx?

Which if course isn’t any part of faith.

Still, I want it to be here. To remember how it felt at this exact time.

We spent most of the day in the car driving to my parents after spending the night in Santa Fe. Bella is sick :( and I’m hoping she feels better because we’re taking her on the Polar Express tomorrow to head to the “North Pole” and see Santa.

I’m feeling – good? It’s almost surreal, most of the time I kinda forget I’m pregnant. I’m used to being so deathly ill that just to be a little nauseated, dizzy, etc is a very strange feeling. I’m trying to just enjoy it – although I definitely took my old stash of Zofran (anti-barf meds) with me on this trip in case it kicks in.

I pray every.single.day for this baby. Every time I see an infant. Every time I stumble on something of Bella’s she outgrew. Every time I think of how right now, there are supposed to be two little ones at my parents house with us.

And my prayer is simple, “Please God.”

I wonder if it’s ok to pray for God not to take this little one from me. I don’t know – it seems like that shouldn’t cross my mind. That it’s a little – morbid? Rude? But that’s what I pray. I keep looking for a little “For this child I have prayed” piece of jewelry (since I can’t get a tattoo) but the one I love at the Vintage Pearl is out of stock. Just as a reminder for me to keep praying, keep hoping.

In the meantime, I feel those prayers from all of you. And thank you. So, so much. When fear overtakes me about the unknown I remember how many of you are praying for us. And it calms me tremendously.

Hoping everyone has a wonderful weekend. xo

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Comments

  1. Praying for you and that precious one growing leaps and bounds in your belly right now. For this one you have prayed, He hears the cries of your heart and He will bless them. Sleep sweet knowing that He already knows this little one by name :) Hugs!

  2. I know how very hard it is to keep the morbid thoughts at bay, Give yourself a set time each day, to obsess, worry, go over symptoms (10 minutes). but the rest of the day just remind yourself, that Today, you are pregnant. And that is evidence of Gods love and the miracles he works each and every day.

    Today, I am pregnant.
    I am not promised tomorrow, but today is mine.
    And Today, I am pregnant.
    Today I shall cast aside anxiety and Fear.
    Send away Sorrow and Doubt.
    Today I am pregnant.
    Today I shall Marvel at the life I have created.
    Today I shall have nothing but joy in my heart
    For Today I am pregnant,
    Today I am a mommy to a beautiful bean who has already turned from two single cells into life.
    Today I am pregnant, Today is mine and my beans.
    And if tomorrow comes and my heart breaks
    I will know that I did not spend the short time I had with my baby full of pain and sorrow.
    I will know they felt nothing but my joy at their existance.
    Today I am pregnant
    And Today is mine.
    -A.Batchelor

  3. I’m praying for you and that precious baby daily! Xoxo

  4. Praying for you! Oh Lord, please give Diana an HG-free pregnancy. Please protect her, and her child, from all harm. Please, through your all-abiding love and benevolent grace, carry her day by day through this time. Amen.

    (Big hugs. We’re here for you at helpher.org if you need a place to safely vent and be supported. Love from an HG sister, and a sister in Christ.)

  5. I’ve been keeping you and your precious baby in my thoughts and prayers! xoxo

  6. It is totally ok to pray that way! You are praying what you desire…it doesn’t mean He will give it to you, but it is ok to pray it. I am praying for you as well! :D I pray that this child is your rainbow child :D Enjoy every minute of pregnancy :D and Merry Christmas!

  7. Do you know Michelle Cunningham in BV? She makes beautiful custom personalized jewelry and I bet she could make just what you’re looking for! https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Memory-Mine-Personalized-Jewelry/186519114731484 Also, you and that little one are in my thoughts and prayers still.

  8. I’ve been away for a while, Diana. You know…life happens. Please know that I’ve been following you and your news along the way. I’m thrilled for you and Sam!! I’ve been praying for you and will continue to do so.
    Many hugs.

  9. Just wanted to let you know I’ve been following your blog since around the time you lost the twins. At the time, I was pregnant myself and thinking how awful it would be to lose a child that way. Then it happened to me. I lost the baby at 16 weeks and was devastated. I really think God brought you into my life before I lost the baby because he knew I would need your story for encouragement. We found out about 2 and a half weeks ago that we are pregnant again. Due the end of August. It means more than you know to read about your journey walking through being pregnant after a loss. Someone who has not walked that road cannot understand, and it’s wonderful to have my feelings validated through your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Christina, I too found her blog (can’t remember how) about the time of Diana’s loss of Julian and Preston. I too was pregnant. It was hard for me to read, but I kept reading. I lost my daughter Cecilia at 24 wks. Diana, and her blog, have been a wonderful help to me on my healing journey. I am constantly amazed how things in life are made available to us just when we need them. I will keep you in my thoughts as well… I am hopeful to be joining you and Diana on this next step soon.

  10. Praying for you and your family! Wishing the very best for you this coming year! Merry Christmas!

  11. I think of you each day and send you love and light for all to go well. I walk this path with you, and have hope for my future through you. Thank you for documenting your life for us. ♥

  12. *hugs* sending prayers and good sticky thoughts your way. Don’t think it’s silly for one second to be praying and thinking so much about this little one. It’s all about celebrating being pregnant today.

  13. Hi Diana, I found your site through the Pioneer Woman’s site. The first thing I saw was the title ’5 weeks’ and I have to admit that selfishly I thought,’Oh great someone else who is going on about their pregnancy’. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for years now and this seems to be my immediate reaction (from the hurt that I have experienced knowing that I may never bare my own child) when any woman says/writes she is pregnant. BUT then I began to read your posts about your twins. And my heart began to hurt in a different way. My husband and I agree that even though we have been struggling with our own future as parents – we couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child let alone two. I hope and pray that this pregnancy goes well and that you and your family are blessed with a healthy baby! I will think of you often until we see a picture of your little one. Hugs.

  14. When I was pregnant with Kinsley, I prayed “please God” every day. I had at least four miscarriages before she came along. One day while in the shower, I saw Jesus on the wall. I looked at him, looked away and when I looked again, he wasn’t there. Although he didn’t appear on a piece of toast, it did the trick. God is listening.

  15. Congratulations! My prayers will be with you and that sweet little one.

  16. Praying for you Diana!

  17. Prayer is a gift, and it’s the best way to handle what you are going through! You are doing the right thing! You are a great mom to all four of your sweet kids!

  18. You’ve got countless prayers behind you. Xoxo