Vom.

I really like that word. So much more klassy than vomit.

If it can be classed up at all.

Anyway, that was me today. The feeling of vom. Like being on a boat. All day.

But not one as awesome as the Disney Magic. Just more like a really cruddy one with some drunk captain and a lot of white caps.

Nothing is showing up yet on the test but then I’m only 8DPO and with the twins it didn’t show up till 11.

So we’ll see. Excited? Yes. Nervous? Oh my yes. Some triggers in doing this again almost exactly a year to when we did with the twins? Yeah, in fact it’s really hard sometimes to go through this again and know I should have almost 4 month old babies in my home. Such a lot of feelings.

I’m glad I’m writing about it though. I know how covered in prayers and love Preston and Julian were from Day 1, and if we end up pregnant I want that for my next little one. However long I get him or her for.

That sounds morbid. But I’m trying to be realistic while being excited. Which is also a hard thing to balance. I feel like pretending this pregnancy is going to be AMAZING and normal isn’t honoring what happened with both pregnancies before, but especially to my experience for those 5 months with the twins.

And of course then there are the dreams that have just started about them. Never before. But the other night I dreamed that there were these two little tow headed twin boys, about 2 years old, and they were playing with Bella. I couldn’t stop staring at them even though I knew they didn’t belong to me. I’ve never, ever had a dream about them before, so it was a rough one to shake.

Or the one I had where I gave birth preterm again, only in my bathtub, and realized I could save her (the baby was a girl), and did, only to go to the hospital after and have her taken away because I didn’t go there first thing.

These are all things I’m still working through. Don’t get me started on wondering what I’ll do about still being in El Paso while pregnant and seeing a doctor/midwife. I have no clue right now, it’s almost too overwhelming to think of having to go back to that same hospital again at some point, yet they have the highest level NICU sooo…

And look at that. I just vommed on here too.

 


Comments

  1. I too like your klassy word! Sorry you’re feeling yucky, though. I’ve had some strange dreams about babies and labour before. (Not recently, no dreams remembered at all, actually. Wonder if that means my brain is too exhausted to bother. ;) )

    Hoping to hear good news soon and will be here to commiserate if not. (I needed pharmaceutical help the first time around, so six months of waiting through impossibly long cycles and then AF would show after multiple negative tests. Ugh.)

  2. So MANY positive thoughts heading your way…

  3. Michele Albert says:

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you, sorry you aren’t feeling well! Sending you tons of best wishes and loving thoughts!

  4. BigFamilyMom says:

    Praying for you, so so much. <3

  5. Sending so, so many good thoughts your way. I hope that you’re not just feeling cruddy and that “vom” is a good sign.

  6. THAT’S A GOOD SIGN! I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR MORE!!