First Appointment: Leave Me Alone

January 2, 2013

Today I’m heading out to go see a midwife at a birthing center.

Can I be honest?

Before all of this with the twins and the hospital happened, I used to ADORE being at the doctor while pregnant. I loved having as many appointments as I could. Loved it all.

Maybe not the vaginal exams. But most everything else.

The moment that stick turned pink I’d be calling and setting an appointment asap.

This time?

I don’t even want to go. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be poked, prodded, scrutinized, nothing. If I could, I’d go in at 20 weeks for that one ultrasound and then have my baby alone in a field with Sam. Maybe with a bed. Grass can be poky.

I know that isn’t a good way to do things with all I’ve been through in my pregnancies, but I’m over it. I honestly do not want to see anyone, go anywhere. It doesn’t seem to help anyway – everything I’ve been through and still Bella came early and I lost the boys. So there is a part of me that thinks, “Then why go through all the stress just to find out there wasn’t anything they could have changed?”

I am going to be very firm this time that I want very little interaction from them with this pregnancy if it continues normally – or even if it becomes high risk but there isn’t anything they can do. This might sound crazy, but honestly? If there isn’t anything they can do then why put us both through the stress? Just leave me alone, let me have my pregnancy as long as I can, and if you can’t help get out of the way.

I’m not going to a midwife because I want an amazing birth or delayed cord clamping or I don’t trust doctors. I’m going because I want to be treated different and to have a different experience – less stress, less invasive, more trusting. I know my body. I know when I ovulated, I knew that I was pregnant 5 days before the stick told me, I know when I am sick and then really, really sick. My therapist has told me time and time again how amazed she is by my intuition during pregnancy. I am so tired of being treated like I’m an idiot that walked through those doors desperately needing a vaginal exam.

Ok. That made me giggle a little. O_o

Anyway, if they won’t take me I don’t know what I’ll do, but right now I am just praying that God gives me the strength to accept whatever path we are on for this little one. Even if it wasn’t the path I wanted. Sam and I prayed that last night too.

But I hope God sees it my way.



  • Ali Otis

    January 24, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Hi Diana, I lost our first baby, had a difficult pregnancy but wonderful hospital birth to a beautiful baby girl with out second, and now am having a great pregnancy experience with a midwife for our third. Our midwife even came to our ultrasound. Anyway, all that to say, you will find the perfect care provider for you and THIS baby. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your beautiful life with us.

  • Caitlin MidAtlantic

    January 4, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Grass is SO pokey! I could never give birth in a field – just for that reason! I hope you do find the birth experience you so deserve!

  • Joy

    January 2, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I love my midwives. I hope you are able to get the care you are seeking and find someone you “click with” so things go smoothly. Sometimes midwives take potential high risk women with a backup doctor or even do hospital deliveries with a midwife attending.

  • Christina

    January 2, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    We interviewed several different midwives before we decided. It was a tough decision because we liked all of them. We ended up using a two mid-wife team. One of them who happened to also teach neo-natal resuscitation at UNMH. We are pretty lucky because we have mid-wife programs in all of our hospitals, so I’ve done it both ways, with a mid-wife in the hospital, baby #1. Baby #2, unplanned at home(but all our care was with a mid-wife at the hospital, just waited too long…), baby #3 the two mid-wives at home. 🙂 Everyone always made it very clear with their list of high-risk factors, that if anything came up we would have to work with an ob-gyn instead. I wish you and your family all the best with your pregnancy. hugs.

  • Meg

    January 2, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Any step is a good step. I personally think that this is a GREAT step. Both my kiddos and I had a midwife and were very grateful for the support and relationship that came of it.

  • Sarah

    January 2, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I totally get it! I mean I REALLY get it. I didn’t even want to talk to FAMILY about my pregnancy much less let a doctor touch me… ANYWHERE! My husband was deployed during the beginning of the triplet pregnancy, so I was even closed off to HIM. After almost loosing them so many times and being in the hospital for over a week during my first trimester I was DONE… then to have to deal with the remaining months in the hospital after 24 weeks left me really DONE. If I made a list of all the horribly wrong things nurses, doctors, and even hospital administrators did to me and my babies while there it would be a mile long.
    I advocated for them and mostly got what I wanted in the end, but after a while you get sick of having to kick, scream, fight and yell over ever little thing! If I was pregnant right now, there’s no way I’d end up in a hospital unless I was forced to.
    That being said what about progesterone injections? There are things they CAN do… it just takes finding the right high risk OB to do them that’s willing to work with a midwife and won’t step on your toes… but will monitor cervical length from a very 13+ weeks to make sure everything is going okay.

  • Amanda

    January 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Oops. This time I just wish they would leave me alone.

    I can’t find any midwives near me who will work with high
    Risk so I’m stuck.

    Dont think I wan

  • Amanda

    January 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I totally feel you! Im nearing the finish line of my third
    Moderately high risk pregnancy. With #1, I loved all
    The obgyn and high risk appts. This time, I wish they
    Would just leave me al

  • Tanya Redfield

    January 2, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I “get it”, as Mindy said. We lost our second baby, and the next pregnancy was excruciating… and the two after that were also very stressful! All of them came out fine, with a few minor complications. Do know that even if you can’t get in with a midwife, there are plenty of wonderful doctors out there who will also understand, so don’t panic if they don’t take you. I am also praying you can get in with the midwife, though. Just remember that you know your body best, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. When I went into labor with my first baby, and got to the hospital, a nurse asked me when I started contractions, and I said about an hour before. Then she asked how far apart my contractions were. I said 3-5 minutes and she laughed…nearly snorted… and said “you mean 30 to 50 minutes, I think”. I said I most certainly did not. After having 3 contractions getting up to my room, she finally believed me. But didn’t apologize, of course. ugh
    Did you have a doula with your other pregnancies? You might want to look into getting one… I had one with one of my babies, and it was wonderful! Doulas are in the delivery room to help and advocate for the mother. I would highly recommend it!
    Hang in there, and stay positive! 🙂

  • Jenn

    January 2, 2013 at 11:30 am

    You are already listening to your body..good for you. I used nurse midwives back in the 80’s , which was quite radical back then. Had my son at 7pm and was home in my own bed by 11:30 pm ( and the birth center was an hour away) That being said there are wonderful midwives and there are those who are not. Just trust your gut. What I love in any health care setting for myself is a partnership with my provider that is built on trust and honesty and of course listening. Blessings to you. You are still healing from the twins and will do so your entire life..however they are looking down on you and want you to find joy in this pregnancy. Love it like no other and believe it will be great.

  • Katie

    January 2, 2013 at 10:57 am

    prayers, friend. God knows the way and he will carry you.

  • Sarah

    January 2, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I had two difficult pregnancies, and having the right professionals around you makes a HUGE difference. The first time around, I *knew* I was sick – and I told my doctors over and over, but they dismissed it. They recommended I see a therapist for anxiety! Turns out I had undiagnosed pre-ecclampsia, and I developed HELLP when I went into labor; I ended up in a life threatening situation and spent the night after giving birth in the ICU because I didn’t have the confidence to INSIST that there was something wrong.

    On the flipside, my new doctors were very cautious during my 2nd pregnancy because of my history… They wanted to deliver Lulu at 32 weeks, and I was able to keep her in until 38 by advocating for myself and knowing my rights.

    I hope you find a midwife that shares your vision and is able to support you in whatever ways you need as your pregnancy develops – good luck!

  • Susi

    January 2, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I had a midwife with my last pregnancy and it was an amazing experience all around. Sending you positive vibes and wishing you lots of luck!!! Keeping my fingers crossed over here that everything will turn out alright!!! Hugs.

  • Carrie

    January 2, 2013 at 9:19 am

    I loved my midwife-assisted pregnancy and delivery. I used the standard doctor/hospital routine with my first and it was fine…but went the midwife route with my daughter and it was amazing. I hope you are able to find exactly what you’re looking for!

  • melissa

    January 2, 2013 at 8:47 am

    I think you’ll find what you’re looking for. I loved my midwife. Totally different approach to pregnancy and birth! I have seen where they will cooperate with a high risk OB just in case but the midwife is still primarily in charge. Good luck!!!

  • Erin

    January 2, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Prayers for you!!!!! I totally support what you are doing.We tried for 6 years to have our first baby Grace, so I had every appt, dr,midwife, specialist etc and it was such a stressful pregnancy, she tried to come at 23wks and they prepped me to deliver and then sat me in a hospital to wait, prey, cry and be terrified. After a few days of so much prayer, I discharged myself so I could go home and atleast be comfortable at home. She came a month early in the end and I ended up feeling quite bullied and mistreated by the nursing staff and junior doctors whilst there because she didn’t gain weight, so obviously that must be my fault and bullying a new mum you think has feeding issues does seem like a great plan…. Even with all of that My baby was born with a heart defect and went undiagnosed until 11mths, at that point the doctors couldn’t believe she had survived that long. During all of this I was very unexpectedly pregnant with my second girl. The first trimester of my pregnancy was spent entirely in hospital with Grace having surgery and complications etc so atleast I was very close to dr’s if I needed one. lol. Once our daughter’s dr’s and our dr’s found out I was pregnant again it all started about extra appointments, extra scans and tests etc. I went as far as the 18 wk scan and having Grace’s cardiologist check at that point for any really major dects that would require surgery minutes after birth but that was all fine. The scan did show a 2 vessel cord though so they wanted more test, more scans, fetal echo etc and I was a mess. My partner spoke up at the point and said “the baby is healthy, a good size and a good heart rate, if they discover anything else is wrong with these extra tests then will you abort?” I said “no” straight away because I believe we have a loving committed relationship and God only gives us what we can handle. He then said “so what will all the extra stuff achieve except stressing you and the baby even more?’ “Don’t do them, they can’t force you and we know we will cope with whatever happens when the baby is born.” It was such a relief when he said that. I have a nurse who has a clinic with our local dr and a dr there also who I really trust and once we explained this to them they just set up a few check ups to suit when my daughter had some of her many many visits and we all relaxed and waited, didn’t even care what sex she was. I didn’t even book into the hospital until 32 wks so they couldn’t hassle me either, although they tried during that last bit!! Alexandra was born also a born early but a healthy 6pound 6 and went home 2 days later after some minor troubles. I was so glad I chose minimal medical intervention during that 2nd pregnancy. Now I have 2 beautiful girls under 2 (some days feel luckier than others lol) and we hope to adopt in the close future. I try to thank God everyday for the miracles we have witnessed in our little family and I pray that this is your miracle. xxxxxxxx

  • Brooke

    January 2, 2013 at 7:41 am

    The first thing I thought when I read this was “holy moly, Diana would be an amazing prenatal yoga teacher”
    Just a thought-this is so empowering and uplifting!!

  • Becky

    January 2, 2013 at 7:37 am

    This is exactly the reason I am going with a doctor next time. My son was born with CDH and there was nothing to be done during the pregnancy, it was a wait and see scenario. I was seeing a midwife and she drove me crazy with calls and concern. I wanted to be left alone. I also saw a high risk OB and he left me alone. I’ve since heard our midwives in town tend to be extra involved so I’ve decided not to go that route again. You need to find a care provider that works for you and if you’ve found that in your midwife centre I am so happy for you!

    Also I never once (aside from the pap at the beginning) had a vaginal exam. I was firm it wasn’t needed (and my husband supported me in that) so they do listen if you force the issue. Stay firm with regards to what you think you need. Don’t let them walk all over you. 🙂

    1. Erin

      January 2, 2013 at 8:34 am

      Good on you Becky!!! There is so little they can do anyway, why do they try to stress you further. Good luck if you decide to have more, The CHD thing in your first really gets the medics going!! Stay strong, I am part of a CHD parents support group and recently about 15 of us had another baby all around the same time. It was great to have that fierce, warrior support ad advice during the medical barrage. lol. We have all had heart healthy babies so alot of the paranoia amongst medical staff must be a little undue as some of these babies siblings have HLHS, HRHS and many other combos of serious conditions. Hope your little miracle is happy and healthy. We are so blessed.

  • Erika

    January 2, 2013 at 7:35 am

    I love this. i’ve always loved how beautifully (sometimes a good way) honest you have been about this entire experience. I wish you a very happy, wonderful pregnancy. Leave all of this in God’s hands like you have been doing and everything will be just and fine, according to His will.

  • Mindy

    January 2, 2013 at 7:29 am

    While my pregnancies haven’t had the same challenges, I get this. I was grateful to build a relationship with a doctor who trusted me and I trusted him. I hope you find the same today.

  • Danielle

    January 2, 2013 at 7:26 am

    Midwives can be wonderful! You can refuse the vaginal exam… The pap as well. With each pregnancy you are more educated and confident in your choices; I pray you get a peaceful pregnancy and an understanding birth team. :o)

  • Kim

    January 2, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Oh, I so hope so!! But remember, if the midwife can’t take you bc you’re high risk, you can still totally have this kind of pregnancy. I did it with Sarah and John — I had to advocate for myself a ton, and when I had a small placental abruption I did have weekly ultrasounds after that to make sure it had healed, but I was firm on what I wanted and it happened. I know you are an intelligent, strong woman who will not be pushed around.

  • Antonia

    January 2, 2013 at 7:19 am

    I know it wasn’t supposed to be funny, but I still giggled at the grass part. Grass can be very pokey. Definitely go with the bed if you have Baby S. in a field. Even a blow up mattress is better than pokey grass.

    I pray for you guys. I started following you shortly before the twins’ birth and I have prayed for you nearly daily since. I enjoy following your life, your good days and your bads, and I love that you put both out there. You take life with a grace, even when you’re hurting, and it is refreshing. I am so looking forward to following this new journey, too.

    Good luck today! I’ll keep you, Sam, Bella, and baby S. in my thoughts 🙂

  • Shelly R

    January 2, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I have no words. ((hugs)) and prayers seem inadequate but they are yours. Praying for a healthy child and a peaceful pregnancy and birth for you.

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