Last Thursday I went to see a high risk OB. I loved my midwives but honestly, after two high risk pregnancies, I just could not get comfortable with not having more precautions taken this time around. And even though seeing them means I’m not left alone, it also means my stress level goes down about 50 points.
So while the appointment took FOREVER and a day, it was well worth it when I checked in and the receptionist informed me the Dr. had scheduled an ultrasound that day as well. I was nervous, I mean really nervous.
I headed back to the room and the tech (who was so nice) did the gel, waved the wand around, and it was if suddenly my stress I thought wasn’t really there just exploded to the surface. I tried to hold back the tears as I asked, “Do you see a heartbeat?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “see it just kicking away in there?”
I burst into tears.
The poor tech was like… and I managed to choke out about losing the twins at 20 weeks in May, and her face just crumpled in sorrow as she said, “So you were just praying and waiting to see this little one be ok then? And everything is fine. We’re going to take good care of you both.”
Through my tears I managed to get a video for Sam with the baby moving and also the heartbeat. She pointed out the legs and arms, little nose. It’s so awe inspiring, so “There has to be a God” when you see a 12 week baby as a little person. Fully formed. Alive.
She printed me out a few pictures and later on I saw the Dr. It was a long day but a good, reassuring day. Today I see a perinatologist (MFM) who also will be working with my grief therapist and the OB on a plan of care for me during this time. I’m feeling a bit more steady with this and of course a little more nervous knowing that once again, I’ll have to go through some things I would have preferred to avoid. But the goal isn’t my comfort, it’s to get this baby here safe and sound.
So here we go, meet Baby #4 (no nickname yet but we’re working on one):