Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.

February 27, 2013

I was told today a reason this new dr thinks we lost the twins.

It’s honestly so much to take in, so overwhelming to ponder when you’ve been told nothing could have been done. So I’m not going to go into details, save to say that it puts me at an even higher risk for this pregnancy, and adds things that need to be done.

And it’s me. It was something they found in blood work that caused some of this.

Sometimes I wish I could just go to the dr and not have a bomb dropped on me. And yet I’m so, so thankful they care and this new OB is trying so hard to do everything she can for this baby.
Who is ok. This baby is good, I’m ok, it all looks normal but lots of procedures coming up as precautions.

It’s odd to live in the “what might have been” world every so often with news like I got today, while carrying the “what will be” that is here now. Harder still not to dwell on the what ifs – what if I had asked for testing? What if the doctor before had just taken the time? And it doesn’t do anything for them. It is what it is.

Strangely as much as I have going on, it’s almost comforting to know everything possible is being done now.

Your thoughts and prayers for us and this baby are so appreciated. I’m very much trying to live in the “now” while remembering and cherishing the memories of the two we didn’t get. Xo


  • Kelly

    March 6, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    I am so sorry, I know how it feels. I found out after I lost my little girl that I had an autoimmune/clotting disorder. There was a part of me that felt relieved, because it gives the doctors a plan if I ever do get pregnant again. And another part that has struggled, because it was my body that caused what happened. It’s so difficult. Sending you & your little one the best of thoughts.

  • Patti

    March 3, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I’m not sure how to contact you privately via email, so I’m leaving a comment here. I’ve been reading your blog for several months – I have a blog about our daughter, Lily, who has Down syndrome (A Perfect Lily.) I’ve been in touch recently with a first time mama who received some very difficult news this week regarding her pregnancy. I’m reaching out to other bloggers who have experienced loss, to contribute to a post about how to deal with grief, loss, etc., and you came to mind. If you could email me at, I would so appreciate it.

  • Meg

    March 2, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Praying for you and your family.

  • Mary Kay

    March 1, 2013 at 11:20 am

    I totally understand sending ((hugs)) and lots of prayers. Cause I went through the same thing when I lost Jessica and found out I was pregnant with Alyssa so again ((hugs)).

  • Jen McLaughlin

    February 28, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Sending hugs as well…You have been such a huge inspiration to me!!!

  • Cameron

    February 28, 2013 at 10:31 am


  • Joan

    February 28, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Diane the one thing you have to keep remembering is that God sent those beautiful little boys to you for a reason. Whether it was to make you even stronger than you already were or to lead you into finding answers to protect you from it happening to this new baby I do not know. But they were sent for a reason. Hugs! And I will continue to pray for you and a healthy baby.

    1. Rebecca

      February 28, 2013 at 1:43 pm

      Agreed. It’s hard to wrap our minds around the causes and effects in our lives, especially when some things are only evident as we look back. (And maybe not in this life, but looking back from Heaven where all mysteries will be revealed.)

      In all cases, nothing is hidden from God and He is abundantly qualified to care for all the babies whose earthly lives are so brief. None of those souls are left without a Father to meet their needs.

  • Beth Anne

    February 28, 2013 at 9:00 am

    So much love as you process this.

    You know, I’ve never found out what happened with Harpie. It sits in my file & every time I go into my OB/GYN, I am tempted to ask. Every time, my tongue catches & I can’t ask.

    You have so much bravery in that heart of yours.

  • Jill

    February 27, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Good news. At least this way you won’t have to keep wondering about the “what if it happens again” as much.
    I feel like my experience with autism is relatable at least.
    The whole time I was pregnant with my second son, it was
    Hard to trust what felt like God clearly assuring me everything was
    OK. I still wondered because I didn’t know what did or didn’t cause
    it in my first son.

    Luckily my son is now able to communicate really well, but when he was
    unable to at all, it was a daily struggle not to blame myself for
    every new puzzle piece I found. But I realized about 9 years ago
    (and it is now literally my motto), “You don’t know *what* you don’t know,
    *until* you know it.” I remember when that clicked. You can only do the
    bet you are able. You are not all knowing and all seeing. So
    dont put your self on the hook for not asking about the tests
    last time. It is gut wrenching, what happened, but it was nothing
    You knew you should be worried about. It took me a long time
    to let myself off the hook for autism, but it is such a relief when you get there.

    Hope tomorrow brings peace and joy,

  • grace at {Gabbing with Grace}

    February 27, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    will pray. I know it’s gotta be tough hearing all that now! Just know the Lord has you & your little bean in the palm of His hand. g

  • Momma Maven

    February 27, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Definitely in my thoughts hun, I had a similar issue with the big Dude which thankfully ended well but it doesn’t help take the shock out of the equation when you find out that something about YOU could/did cause issues for your child. It’s especially hard when those results impact your entire future and your own health. For me it’s a potential diagnosis with a whole list of awful possibilities, shorter life span, scary stuff and adding that to the whole equation is just too much to comprehend at once… So I cross my fingers that knowledge is power and that this info will impact you and your family in a great way that is too hard to recognize at the moment. Give it time, get the support you need from all that care about you, and take it one day at a time xox

  • Amy

    February 27, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    What a whirlwind. I’ve followed you since the day, a long time ago, when you were kind enough to invite me to be part of a blog hop. I followed you through the nightmare you endured in the hospital and have been cherring you on, silently, through this pregnancy.

    You are a wonderful mother, loving wife & refreshing writer. But you are human…and human bodies are just that…human. Please, don’t blame yourself for any of this! From the undertones of gour post, it sounds like you might be. And while you are right about remaining positive…it’s okay to mourn. Just don’t beat yourself up.

    I know I did a fair amount of crying & mourning when I was told my body can no longer carry a baby. But thankfully I had people who wouldn’t let me blame myself. I hope you have that support too.

    Sending lots of prayers…and take care.

  • Stacy

    February 27, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Love & hugs. I’m also glad you’re being so cared for now.

  • Jen

    February 27, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Hugs 🙂

  • Ashley

    February 27, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Prayers for your peace.

  • Becky

    February 27, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Big hugs, lots of love and continued prayers coming your way. ♥ I’ve had 2 friends go through this too. They both found out they have clotting disorders that most likely caused their miscarriages/stillbirths. :'( It’s so frustrating and upsetting that something so “simple” can cause so much grief and pain…and is relatively “simple” to control. All we can do is get the word out and maybe this will be part of regular pre-natal screenings.

  • Elisha

    February 27, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    You inspire me so much. I absolutely love reading your blog and your honesty and realness. Thank you

  • Kristi

    February 27, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    Many hugs and prayers to you as you process this new information.

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