There are times

February 8, 2013

when the house is clean

when the night is quiet

when Bella has been tucked into bed, prayers said, hugs and kisses

when I wander out into the house, alone

and look around.

And I see things organized.

Put away.

Still.

Clean and tidy, ready for the next day.

And I lean my head against the doorframe of my kitchen

and I cry.

I cry for the life that I couldn’t imagine myself having and never got anyway.

I cry for the wails I don’t hear.

The swings that aren’t going.

The bottles that don’t exist.

The mess that isn’t there.

The traces of twins I’ll never know.

And this pregnancy makes it easier to bear and harder to come to terms with.

I can only pray during those moments that God knows my pain, that He won’t take this little one from me. That He’ll allow me to have the mess, the crying, the diapers, the late nights, the moments that I know I’ll wonder what on earth I was thinking or if I’ll ever sleep again. That under it all I know I’ll feel so, so grateful that this baby is here. Just like I feel about Bella.

And still always long for the two that aren’t.

What a strange, emotional place to be.

I cry for the two I didn’t get to mother as I carry inside the one I pray I can, while watching over the child I was blessed with.

20 Comments

  • Olive

    March 23, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    I got pregnant 5 days after my sweet angel Olive died. I know this is an old post but I will comment anyway. I was deep in the process of grieving for the loss of my 2 month old baby and worried on top of worrying that I might hurt her with my anxiety. It’s an impossible anxiety that you just can’t dodge. God gave me a gift that I to this day can’t fathom. I don’t think it’s possible to hurt your fetus by grieving for loss. Thank you for sharing. You’re braver than I, and I value your strength. No advice here. Just a big virtual hug from a mother who has walked in your shoes.

  • Kersten

    February 14, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    I have been reading your blog for a few months now. I have lost twins. One was lost early in pregnancy, our little John lived 4 days, born too soon. I had HELLPs. I know the pain. Its been 7 months since I held John. Thank you for being honest and open. There are others of us out there that need to know we are not alone.

  • Roxanne

    February 11, 2013 at 4:50 am

    I love this….

  • Mary Alice Price

    February 10, 2013 at 10:06 am

    I feel your pain, truly, but try, try not to do this. I had a lot of sadness & stress going on in my life when I was pregnant with my (now 18 year old) daughter. She has always been a serious child and as an adolescent has struggled with depression. She is beautiful, smart, adorable and loving; yet she has also experienced a deep sadness well up in her from nowhere, and at times it has almost drowned her. I’m convinced it’s because of all the stress hormones she was flooded with in utero. Somehow try to stop yourself from sliding into the grief pit, maybe some short term cognitive behavioral therapy, maybe meditation, chanting, anything to stop your mind from drifting into the grief setting and the accompanying biochemical waves which will bathe your developing little one. My prayers and best wishes to you.

    1. Diana

      February 10, 2013 at 10:27 am

      I thank you for your concern and sweet words, but I can assure you that this is a very healthy part of the grief process. I’m not depressed or sliding into anything, working with a therapist for 7 months intensely has taught me to really allow myself to both feel and write these emotions so I can heal and process. This is such a huge part of it all, and normal for any mother who has lost a baby.

      1. Roxanne

        February 11, 2013 at 4:56 am

        I think you are doing just fine, considering. I feel like grieving with you and I’ve only just read your story. I think you are doing remarkable. Good days, bad days, it’s to be expected. Beautiful words, Diana.

    2. Beth Anne

      February 10, 2013 at 10:46 am

      I think what Diana is feeling is an exceptionally normal part of the grief process. I think she handles her grief beautifully, with the guidance & wisdom of a trained professional (aka her therapist). If her grief was effecting her unborn baby, pretty sure the midwives, OBs, & therapists would be coaching her through the process.

      Diana, you are a rock star. This stuff is hard. & if the baby is catching any kind of waves from this (other than causing the ones of nausea), I hope it’s a deep empathy to those hurting & a strong personal awareness, just like you show daily.

  • marla

    February 10, 2013 at 4:30 am

    So beautiful. Though we have not met you are in my prayers…..

  • Roxanne

    February 9, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    I wish you would contact me @ roxi@cheerful.com. I read your whole blog in two days. Please, I need your contact. Prayers and blessings…

  • chelsey @ clean eating chelsey

    February 9, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    I just started reading a few weeks ago and went back to read all of your old posts. What a journey you’ve been on. This was beautifully written, and I can feel your grief through the computer. It’s hard not to dwell on what could have been. You’re a great mama, and this new little bean is so lucky to have you!

  • Anne-Marie

    February 9, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Can I please give you a hug at BlissDom?

  • Suz

    February 9, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Beautiful Diana. Hugs!

  • Erin

    February 9, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Stunningly beautiful words. I wish you peace and contentment with your life but only you and God know can how long it takes to get there. Don’t be rushed, live each emotion as it comes but never forget or ignore the love around you. I don’t think you will. For some weird reason I think you are having a little girl and she will be perfect.
    <3

    1. Erin

      February 10, 2013 at 9:08 am

      I just read your babble post and realised you guys think it’s a girl too!!! Wow, As a mum to 2 beautiful little girls, I was pregnant with you with the twins <3, I have to say what a blessing and joy it is. Prayers for you to feeel better soon. xxx

  • melissa

    February 9, 2013 at 9:30 am

  • Kami

    February 9, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Beautiful. xoxo

  • Sarah

    February 8, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    I think it is beautiful that you honor your boys with your tears. And I hope I get a front row seat for that reunion someday.

  • Hannah

    February 8, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes.

  • Nikki

    February 8, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Beautifully written.

  • Cameron

    February 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Heart-rendingly beautiful.

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