11 months. 19 weeks and 4 days.

April 3, 2013

11 months ago Preston and Julian were born at 3am. I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I am 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant today with our third son.

It’s hard to put into words, out loud or here, what emotions wash over me. I’ve thought about this day a lot. Part of me is proud to have made it this far with this little boy, proud my body is able to get past the point of the stages of loss from the twins.

There’s still the fear of losing him, yet I’m more and more thankful for each day that passes instead of simply terrified.

I honestly didn’t think I’d make it even to this point. I figured at 11 months I’d be grieving another loss again, and here I am. Still pregnant.

Today is a hard day though. The 11 month anniversary is still here, regardless of being pregnant. It’s still part of my life. Still in my constant thoughts, my alternate reality of life with two little boys. And I am faced with other issues besides this pregnancy, just life in general but naturally they seem to be blown into insurmountable problems right now.

It all seems to pile up at one time. The pregnancy, the move, the bills, the everything. I’m trying to remind myself that this too, shall pass. We never seem to fall into that black hole and vaporize like I picture the end result of problems being. lol

I don’t know. It’s just a hard and a good day all wrapped into one. That’s simply all there is to say. I made it to this point and I’m so thankful I did, but I still miss what might have been. It’s normal yet it doesn’t make it any easier.



  • Laura

    April 14, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that your reaction to your therapist having twins is a little like the one I have when my friends and family have child born without Downs Syndrome. I feel like a completely terrible person saying that, and I love my daughter more than anything and just looking at her brings me joy and laughter. I love everything about her, I love my husband even more when they are together, but I always feel a little pang of jealousy , why me, and what does her future hold? I think the most important thing is to live in the day and be grateful for all of your blessings, it is just so hard though. Try not to be hard on yourself! I couldn’t be happier for my friends and would never wish harm to their babies so I don’t know where these feelings come from, they are irrational and stupid really, but for some reason they are there. I wish you peace and happiness! Laura

  • Shanna

    April 8, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I have almost been in your exact shoes before. I lost multiples at 16 weeks, when I was pregnant again I counted every day my darling was growing within. There is such a strange mixture or sadness, joy and fear one has in this time. They are very real feelings to have all at once. I truly love my daughter who is now 13 months old, but I also love all the children I lost before and after her.

    Sometimes when she has certain personality moments it does make me wonder what her siblings would have been like. The missing of them is like an ache rather than the chasm it was at the time. I try to imagine if they would have her stubbornness or sweetness of spirit.

  • tricia

    April 4, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    i don’t know how your heart aches and yet simultaneously rejoices today, but i pray that i’ll be where you are someday. that i’ll get to be pregnant again, looking forward rather than crying all the way down this road i’m on now. you give me hope that i’ll feel again, and not just pain and sadness and anger. you give me hope that i’ll feel a sweet baby in my womb, thriving and living and growing. i’m so sorry we’re in this club, this sisterhood of grief with that golden light we’re all running to at the end. preston and julian are so lucky to have you as their mama. so is bella. and so is this sweet boy that i can’t wait to meet.

    you make me believe that i will see the other side of this.

  • Christie

    April 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    A good day and a hard day. . .if my pregnancy had lasted, today I would have a 2 month old baby girl. But, I had a miscarriage a little past 9 weeks.

    Today, my best friend gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby girl. I thought I was past all of the negative emotion about my miscarriage. That has been a new truth the past 4 weeks or so. But today, I was taken right back into the deep dark pit of loss and emotion while simultaneously rejoicing for my dear friend and her family.

    I pray that one day soon, I will be where she is today: exhausted, joyous, and a happy new Mama. Please, God?

  • Ashley

    April 4, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Prayers. I know being pregnant with a little boy after losing my son was so hard. My emotions were so mixed. Now here he is going on 8 months old and I could not imagine life without him. I pray your joy multiplies and your grief quiets. Thank you for putting these complicated feelings into words. Blessings!

  • Sarah Jane

    April 3, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Praying for you.

  • MommaBird

    April 3, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    I remember this day, when my FB feed blew up with updates about you and on twitter. I was praying so hard for you knowing how much you wanted this pregnancy and how hard pregnancy was on you overall.

  • Jessica

    April 3, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    Huge hugs. You are brave for writing these words, praying that the good Lord gets you through this time

  • Stacy

    April 3, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    I will always remember your boys’ birthday because it’s mine too. Lots of love & hugs.

    1. Kersten

      April 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm

      What a beautiful comment! So sweet to know these little ones will be remembered by someone else besides their parents. I think that is somehow one of the hardest things to bear. The thought that we as moms of babies born to soon will be the only ones who remembered they actually were here. I was blessed to read this. And I think you have blessed Diana as well! Cheers!

  • Meaghan

    April 3, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Thinking of you today and praying peace over you!

  • Rebecca

    April 3, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    I love your honesty and admire your courage, friend. (Hugs)

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