11 months ago Preston and Julian were born at 3am. I was 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
I am 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant today with our third son.
It’s hard to put into words, out loud or here, what emotions wash over me. I’ve thought about this day a lot. Part of me is proud to have made it this far with this little boy, proud my body is able to get past the point of the stages of loss from the twins.
There’s still the fear of losing him, yet I’m more and more thankful for each day that passes instead of simply terrified.
I honestly didn’t think I’d make it even to this point. I figured at 11 months I’d be grieving another loss again, and here I am. Still pregnant.
Today is a hard day though. The 11 month anniversary is still here, regardless of being pregnant. It’s still part of my life. Still in my constant thoughts, my alternate reality of life with two little boys. And I am faced with other issues besides this pregnancy, just life in general but naturally they seem to be blown into insurmountable problems right now.
It all seems to pile up at one time. The pregnancy, the move, the bills, the everything. I’m trying to remind myself that this too, shall pass. We never seem to fall into that black hole and vaporize like I picture the end result of problems being. lol
I don’t know. It’s just a hard and a good day all wrapped into one. That’s simply all there is to say. I made it to this point and I’m so thankful I did, but I still miss what might have been. It’s normal yet it doesn’t make it any easier.