The Internal Struggle of Faith and Trust

April 10, 2013

The car brakes sharply in front of me, and I glance up from the side mirror as I try to merge over just in time to swerve and miss hitting it. 60 mph on the freeway, that would have left some damage. My heart races and my hands are clammy as I pass by shaking my head. Under my breath I mutter, “Thank you God for protecting me.”

And then resentment pops up. Why didn’t God just prevent the entire thing? Why even have the car brake, or be there at all? Was that necessary and why? So I’d say thank you? Or be reminded I’m not in control?

Yeah. I know that. Believe me.

As time passes from the loss of Preston and Julian and the poor hospital treatment that left me shaken to the core, I find my unquestioning faith in God having a plan become entangled with, “Why did it have to happen at all?”

Even small miracles take some time for me to recognize, and when I do I find myself instantly wondering why God would intervene for something like that and not saving my sons.

He could have stopped it.

He could have let them live.

He could have prevented my water from breaking. Let me hold on till 24 weeks. Healed the rupture. He could have. And He didn’t.

I struggle so hard with trying to fathom why not, even as I carry my third little boy inside me.

It’s frustrating to hear, “It was God’s will, this is all part of the plan, look at how life has changed the past year for you” when I can’t say, “YES. Thank goodness that they died so that I’m able to work from home like I wanted and make a difference in God’s kingdom with my story. Worth it!”

It’s never going to be worth the cost (here on earth anyway) of the loss of those two lives. Nothing short of being in heaven and seeing the ripples of their short lives unfold on earth as I watch with them will ever make it worth losing those two.

There may never be a “purpose” behind their deaths. The world is a broken place and horrible things happen every day. My story happened to have one of them. That’s all. I believe that God grieves even more than I do for the loss, for my heart, for our family.

I simply don’t know why some miracles happen. Some prayers are granted. Some of my desires are placed in my life. When the time I needed a miracle the most, the moment I laid in that bed and with tears pouring down begged God to save my sons, when I promised I would do anything if He would spare them – that miracle didn’t happen.

So now I am left to take that faith that I used to pull through those first few months of raw grief, and turn it into a trust. “Trust is faith with legs” as my dad tells me. I shy away from trusting too much, knowing how hurt and let down I’ve been in my times of great need. But reminding myself that He was there all along. That He still is. That if this life is all taken away tomorrow He’ll be there still.

It’s hard to build that trust after something like this. I want to so much, to not simply believe in God but believe God.

So I whisper to myself in those dark moments of fear the little song I sing with Bella each night before she goes to sleep:

“I don’t have to be afraid, in the night or in the day.

When I sleep my God’s awake. 

He’s watching over me. 

I know He loves me. I know He cares for me. 

I know He’s there for me.

He’s watching over me.”


  • Beth

    April 13, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Your struggle….it’s so real. So honest. Thank you for sharing, and I agree with you. Bad things happen is this broken world, and I think it grieves God’s heart.

  • Christina

    April 11, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    This is exactly how I feel (lost my baby at 16 weeks). Thanks for putting it into words.

  • Kersten

    April 11, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Yep, I have all the same feelings. Thank you for sharing.

  • davis ann

    April 11, 2013 at 11:32 am

    well your song made me cry. (btw, long time reader, but i don’t know that i’ve ever commented)

    and you’re right. just because there’s a reason doesn’t make it one bit easier. my pastor recently spoke about this pain – that the reason it’s so hard is that it’s NOT natural. we were not created to experience death. so earthly, physical death is so, so hard. but hallelujah that our death is not eternal.

    i’m so so sorry for your loss. thank you for teaching me how to respond to my friends in the middle of such grief. my heart aches for yours and theirs.

    praying for your heart…

  • mrs.d

    April 11, 2013 at 10:25 am

    We all struggle with the ‘whys’.
    While my faith is different than yours, I believe that God does care. But, yet, he doesn’t cause our suffering and it’s not a part of his plan. The death of your precious little boys had nothing to do with God – the Bible says that ‘time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all’. God is saddened by your loss and longs to reunite you and your boys – and he will.
    Faith can be so difficult when we face suffering – our suffering and the suffering of others.

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