One Year.

My Julian and Preston,

A year ago today, at 3:15, you were born into this world in what can only be described as one of the most painfully beautiful moments of my life. You both were so perfect, so tiny. I can’t even describe to you the amount of shock I felt at seeing you, hearing you, watching you move. When you see ultrasound pictures for so long, it’s hard to picture an actual baby inside your womb.

This morning I woke right before it happened. I had to pee of course, your brother tends to treat me as his personal trampoline. As I lay back down, I turned over determined to think of you but not to cry, and of course that didn’t happen. Your Daddy was woken up and flipped over in fear something was wrong, and I managed to choke out, “It was…” and he said, “Oh poo,” and just held me close. I told him, “I need to cry and then I’ll be ok.”

That was all I needed.

This morning your sister snuggled into bed with me. And Charlie, who is beyond annoying in the mornings with his need to make up for any time not near us. We talked about what I would do today “See Miss Mary (my therapist) and go get a ‘blah’ shot (the one in my rear)”. She laughed. Just wait till she has to get another one. ;) She has been a rock through this, your sister amazes me in her compassion and sensitivity. I am beyond blessed to have her as my daughter.

Tomorrow is really our day for you. For all babies born too early. We’re walking in the March of Dimes in both your memories. I am looking forward to doing something tangible and unique for you.

I miss you both. I miss the years I never had and the memories we never made, but I am so thankful to know I will see you again one day. And in a place where we can always be together without the pain and tears. Today, left here on earth, we will be a family that remembers you both. Cherishes the time we had. Loves the children we are able to raise here while holding you both in our hearts and minds.

It’s hard not to “do” things for you as a parent would, so I continue to write and talk about you both. Refusing to let you be snuffed out in a society uncomfortable with your story. I’m your Mama, whether you run and play here or above. And in being that, my love for you has to somehow be shown.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on us. On me as a mother and a person, to fully grasp the concept of life and the pain other women endure with this part of motherhood very few want to talk about. This hasn’t been an easy year, but you both made it worth it. In the brief 7 minutes and 2 hours and 25 minutes you lived, you changed all our lives forever. You’ve changed so many more, it’s been a blessing to watch a community unfold from all faiths and walks of life to join together in this. I would have never imagined the incredible love from so many.

We love you. Your sister remembers you both as “2 babies in heaven with Jesus” and your brother will know you too. I carry your footprints on my arms, Daddy carries your memory in his heart. Thank you for giving us a year that we never imagined. We hope you both are peering down and can smile at each other, saying, “How proud we are of how far they’ve come.” We’ve given it our best shot.

Daddy, Mama, Bella, and Baby.

Final Cut from Diana S. on Vimeo.

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Comments

  1. Melissa says:

    And now I’m bawling. :’( what a beautiful post! Such sweet little lives. I can’t believe it’s already been a whole year… ♥

  2. There are no words just love- thank you for sharing what is the most personal part of who you are with the rest of us I am hugging you and those two guardian angels I have to believe are with you always watching over you and loving you.

  3. Melissa D says:

    Crying with you this morning. Hope your March for Babies experience tomorrow is healing.

  4. Stefanie says:

    Thinking about you and praying today is a peaceful day for you and Sam. Happy 1st heavenly birthday, sweet Preston & Julian!

  5. You’re on my heart today.

  6. Heather says:

    Very, very beautiful. Praying for you.

  7. My heart breaks for you all over again. That video was beautiful. Seeing their little faces, hands, knowing how loved and missed they are, it’s just such a testament to the impact someone can have, no matter how small they are. I want to thank you for sharing them with us. Their lives will continue to be celebrated, and I can only imagine the joyous reunion that awaits you one day.

  8. This was beautiful. You are so courageous in sharing your story.

  9. Praying for you. Brought me to tears.

  10. Thinking of you and yours. Today, tomorrow, always. Thank you for sharing your babies with us all. <3

  11. I’ll never forget reading about your story through Twitter. Much love to you, your husband, & all 4 of your sweet babies today xoxox

  12. Oh, Diana. I continue to be amazed by your honesty, your strength, and the depth of your love for your children. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I can’t believe it’s been only a year. You and I have never met, and our shared time in the Facebook twin mommies group was brief. But I think of you and your boys often. I won’t forget you. And I won’t forget them.

  13. Oh I can’t believe it’s been a year! What a beautiful post, and legacy you are making for your beautiful boys….I shouldn’t of watched the video though because now I am in tears. :-) praying for you today.

  14. I can never watch that without bawling like a baby. It all feels like yesterday from here, but I’m sure it feels like an eternity for you. Thinking of you and praying for you today.

  15. Trinity says:

    What a perfect, beautiful post. I’m gasping through the tears from your video. God Bless your family.

  16. Alyssa says:

    Gorgeous video and gorgeous boys. Praying that God keeps sending you strength and new blessings. Thanks for you sharing.

  17. Christine Ferguson says:

    Shedding tears and thinking of your family today.

  18. Deb Wade says:

    So beautiful, Diana! What a tribute to those precious boys! You and Sam are such loving parents. I shed many tears for your painful yet beautiful times with them. David and I have 2 full term daughters in heaven with your little boys! Ours would have been 31 and 29 this year and reading your words of remembrance took me right back to that time. I still miss them but cherish the knowledge they are with Jesus and we will all celebrate them together some day! Praise Jesus for that assurance. Becca is our “rainbow baby” and we have been blessed beyond measure with her and Em and Jess! I will continue to pray for you and your family. God bless you both and thank you for sharing your heart!

  19. Dee P. says:

    Love and prayers to you…. xo

  20. Been thinking and praying over you guys.

    We tell Eddie that everyone starts in heaven and ends there too. We tell him he was with his Papa (Cort’s dad died before the boys were born) in heaven until god picked him to go in my tummy. In my heart I know the baby in your tummy knew your babies who are in heaven now.

    love to you, sweet lady.

  21. This made me tear up a bit. ><
    But I'm pretty sure they're both happy wherever they may be, knowing that you're their mom. My prayers are with you and your family. Stay strong! ;)

  22. Much love to you all today. I have tears streaming down my face, I’m certain they are pouring down love from the heavens.

  23. Oh Diana. I have no words, but I’d wrap my arms around you if I could. Since I can’t, I’ll do it in prayer. <3

  24. This is absolutely beautiful. The boys.. so tiny and perfect. Thank you for sharing your story.

  25. Such a great video. Had me in tears. Thank you for sharing.

  26. Ryanna Urban Knutson says:

    I just found your blog by accident tonight and it brings me to tears. May 13 was the birthday of my first baby, a tiny baby boy named Callum. He was still born at 29 weeks. My second baby, a little girl was born 10 months later at 31 weeks. That pregnancy was more difficult emotionally than I can say–but you already know that. Ariah was born via emergency c-section at 31 weeks and spent a little over 5 weeks in the NICU. She is now a perfect, beautiful, imaginative three year old big sister to a finally full term/normal sized baby sister. There is healing with time, but still that need to remember our sweet, perfect little Callum. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that the rest of your current pregnancy is as smooth as possible with a healthy mom and baby.

    • I’m so very glad you shared your story. Loss is such a personal journey – even as I near having this baby I find things that trigger me into tears still. ((Hugs))

  27. Barbara Knutson says:

    thanks for sharing your heart, Ryanna, and I am so thankful that we were allowed to hold our first of your children Callum also. He was so beautiful

  28. I didn’t know about your twins, just from your twitter profile…. After knowing what happened yesterday with
    Kaden, which I’m devastated w you, I wanted to find out about your twins. Then I found this post, so beautifully
    written, so much strength. The video, heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what your family is going through… You are so incredibly honest and your strength is just amazing. I watched my sister deteriorate and lose her battle w breast cancer in just 15 months… When she died in front of my eyes, I was in disbelief. It still shocks me today for we were really close. After she passed, I wanted answers! I yelled at God and demanded answers for my loss. What came to me after that were many books about the afterlife. From what I’ve read, I know your beautiful little boys, all three, are in a wonderfully loving, peaceful place. There is nothing but unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion in heaven. Your boys will always be with you for they are only a thought away. When you are ready, contact me so I can tell you about the hypnosis therapy I had that allowed me to go into the spirit world to meet with my sister again. I know you can do this too and see your boys again in this lifetime. After my session I was finally able to move forward again, start healing, and found some peace in all the chaos.

    I send so much love to you. I’m sorry for your many losses. Xoxo

Trackbacks

  1. [...] as we walk together to raise money for the March of Dimes.  Last year was my first time, as after Diana lost her boys way too early last May, it was a way for me to honor her family and give back somehow.  And this year as I walk with my [...]

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