This morning we’re headed over to one of two hospitals my OB delivers at to tour their birthing center.
I think both Sam and I are excited and bracing ourselves. I was in a postpartum (antipartum?) wing when I had the twins, but it looked exactly like a maternity room. And they brought in a tiny incubator, blankets, scale, etc.
Just thinking about it makes me tear up still. 14 months later.
It’s hard to sort out feelings of loss and excitement at the same time. It’s been easier lately as obviously I’m remembering more of Bella’s last weeks during pregnancy.
I was asked the other day why I “had” to compare my birth/hospital experience with the twins to this upcoming one. O_o I can’t really answer that, it happened. It’s a huge, huge part of my life and my memory and my reaction. Why should I pretend it didn’t happen? It doesn’t even make me feel sad like it did – it just gives the whole experience and the boys that validation of being remembered, being alive. Being a part of this event too. It sucks that it was so awful, sure, but that’s all I’ve got for memories with them. Why should I delete that just because it’s uncomfortable for others to hear talked about at this point?
Especially talked about in a fairly neutral way – it’s not like I sit there bawling through the conversation. It makes my heart ache but I can talk about it. That is amazing compared to this time last year.
Now with Bella, there are better hospital memories. So that definitely helps balance it out. As we walk into those rooms today, and there will be so much that’s familiar, I’ll try to focus on her and this sweet little boy to come. The happiness that one of the rooms in there will hold for us.
The majority of what I feel is excitement today. I think a little shock at being 33 weeks as well – holy wow where did the time go?? It’s starting to hit more and more that we’re actually going to have a baby. I felt a little irritated the other day when my OB and peri were off by a week on thoughts for taking the cerclage out, etc – and then I had to tell myself giggling, “I mean, it’s a week. Even if they push it back 3 weeks Diana, I’ll bet eventually you’ll have a baby.” 😉
This pregnancy sometimes seems a bit neverending as we near the end though! I just want him to be here and safe in my arms. I keep focusing on that moment, over and over. It’s just – breathtaking. I can’t believe that this is where we are after the past year. I thought we’d be in Korea picking up a child, or I don’t know. Dealing with another loss. That crossed my mind a lot until just the past few weeks where I could take a breath and say, “Maybe, just maybe…”
So this is all part of the healing and new life process. If you can, say a prayer and send thoughts our way that we have a nurse/staff member showing us around who understands both the joy and the loss of this journey to their hospital. Maybe someone we can bond with who might be there when I go in. That would be so comforting.