Again.

I’ve been quiet on here for a few weeks now. Truly, I didn’t know what to write. I still don’t. I switched up my blog to a new url and design that I’d planned to do in June but life got in the way. I’m actually so glad I waited until now, so that it’s such a fresh start on here. New name, new url, new design. I feel like this little space is a lot more me right now.

The header pic breaks my heart. I took it in December, all of 4 weeks pregnant with Kaden. I sent it to Becca at Jumping Jax in May – entering third trimester and thrilled that we had another son on the way.

I never, ever thought I would be looking at it with another loss. Another baby gone. A third son taken away.

It’s so raw and painful right now that I can’t write about it. I want to run away from the grief, I mean, I’ve already done this. Served my grief time. Just had it finally come to a point with Preston and Julian where I felt like I was reaching the light in a tunnel. My pregnancy helped tremendously with that.

Now I have to start all over again with a son we actually got to know, loved, held, sang to, planned for. Only to have him gone.

Oh, it hurts so much. So, so much. I wanted, believed in a miracle for Kaden. I honestly thought I’d walk in one day to smiling nurses and doctors in shock telling me he was healed. Ready to go home. I never gave up that hope, as stupid as it seemed. I tried to be realistic and have faith that he could be healed. I couldn’t fathom God would allow us to go through this again.

Instead I got to hold him in my arms as he took his last breaths and I screamed at God through the hospital ceiling, “I don’t understand, I just wanted to take my baby home.” My heart still jumps at Children’s Medical Center calling, I still have to remind myself that as we put his things away, it isn’t temporary. He isn’t coming back. Ever. I watch all my friends have their babies that we joyously celebrated the start of together, and I’m not angry at them. I’m just sad for us. Sad for my daughter who asks why Kaden is in heaven, sad for my husband who truly bonded with his son in our 3 weeks together. Sad for my parents who held him in his last hours and cried as hard as I was when he left. Sad for our little family that just wanted our sons to be here with us.

I want so much right now to push it all away, fast forward to a year down the road. Even though our days are pretty normal here (we make a huge effort on this for Bella), it feels like what I said last year with the twins. We hit rewind on our lives, just with grief in it now.

It’s not more painful than the twins. No, but it’s very different. Very much. I don’t really know how yet, but it’s so deep that I don’t want to write about what happened or even talk about it much. With them I was so desperate for everyone to know they were babies – real. I was so traumatized by the hospital, grieving a pregnancy, mourning an entire life I would never have with two little boys – that took some of the focus off my grief. It was something else to try to sort out. My therapist called it “complicated grief.”

This time? I had everything go the way I wanted and prayed for. A full term pregnancy. A natural birth. A wonderful doctor and doula. Birth photos. The hospitals treated us wonderfully. Only I didn’t get the thing I wanted and prayed the most for.

You know where that leaves me?

It leaves me with my grief and my God. I only have those to wrestle with this time.

And that is very, very hard.

 

Comments

  1. says

    Oh, Diana. I’ve been thinking of you so much and hoping that the intense love the internet is sending is making even the smallest dent in your pain. XO.

    • Jessica Nordstrom says

      =( I was really praying for a miracle!!!!! Now I am praying that your family heals and God takes some of this pain away from you very quickly!!

  2. says

    Oh, Diana, we are all grieving with you. I have been thinking about you constantly, and praying for peace and understanding (if that is even possible – sometimes I wonder…) for your family. I cannot fathom losing three precious babies, especially ones who were so loved and wanted. xoxo, you will continue to be in my thoughts & prayers.

  3. Stefanie Miller says

    Praying for you and your family, Diana. I am so sorry your sweet Kaden didn't receive his miracle on this side of Heaven. I truly wish you had your sweet boy here with you. <3

  4. says

    My heart breaks for you every day. I don’t know or understand the feelings your feeling. But you’re always in my prayers.

    With everything we’ve gone through and all of the times I’ve asked God ‘why’ and never gotten an answer one thing strikes me, days months years after. There isn’t a why. Just a God that will always hold me in his arms and love me and protect me as best he can.

    Praying that God wraps his arms around you and Sam and Bella and holds you close as you walk through this.

    Love you!
    Jac
    (Rory too! She prays for her friend Bella every day)

  5. Amanda says

    I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and praying for you and your family and for strength for you all. I don’t understand this and it honestly makes me question faith. I don’t know what else to say, but I hope you know you are in my thoughts.

  6. says

    I wish I had something to say that could ease your pain just a little, tiny bit, but I know I don’t. I hope that your heart feels this love I’m sending your way, though. You have been ever-present in my thoughts.

  7. says

    I have no words that can express how sorry for you I am. I have no way of understanding how deep this hurt can be for you. I just wanted to stop by here to say that I hear you and I love you and your family, and that it is an honor and a privilege to sit with you in your grief, even if it’s just through your words.

  8. Mae says

    I love you. I am so very sorry. There just still aren’t any other words, so I’ll just keep saying those.

  9. says

    You have us too, for whatever tiny bit that’s worth. The girls and I, we are here and we are as with you in our hearts as we can be. Oh, how I wish we could be *there* with you. So much.

  10. says

    There are no good words so I will just saw that although we have never met you and your family are in my prayers. I wish it wasn’t an again for you and pray for you always.

  11. says

    Diana, you are in my prayers so often. I’m so sorry you have to experience this again. I have no words of wisdom or comfort, just prayers and tears for you and your sweet family.

  12. says

    Love you. I know that the losses are both hard, and I totally get what you mean about loss being different, how holding Kaden and bonding with him made it different. I also know how it feels to hold someone – your son – as they take their last breath. And how your parents felt. My mom said it was so hard to grieve for her grandchild AND her child. I’m so sorry, friend. Hugs.

    On another note, I love your new blog, the fresh start. I hope it brings you joy and peace in any way it can.

  13. Jenny McClamroch says

    You have ever right to feel the way you do. I can't even begin to imagine, but I do know that God loves you and He has a plan for you. I don't know what the plan is and why taking Kaden (and Julian and Preston) away have to be part of the plan, but I do know that He hasn't left you. Hugs to you! I'm continually praying for you and Sam and Bella!

  14. Stacy Rivas says

    I'm so soryy and have so much love for you and your family even though I don't "know" you.. Your always on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers.

  15. says

    I am so sorry, I also truly believed you would receive a miracle. I guess we can never understand the plan but things like this really make you question. Heart broken for you……

  16. says

    I’m hurting so much for you, Diana. You’ve been on my mind a lot each day. Not that this is about me at all but I have been so stunned by this news that I can’t even write right now. I’m just so saddened by your loss that it feels like moving through mud or something. That’s the only way I can describe it.

    We include you in our prayers each night. I wish there were something more I could do.

  17. says

    I wish I had more than love to send you, to give you some sort of healing. Know that all that Kaden ever felt and knew was the immense love that you have for him, and that is his whole world. Every ounce of my love, friend.

  18. says

    I wish I knew what to say, but I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through. I’m always thinking of you guys and saying prayers. If you ever want to chat, I’m here. Also, I like your new blog.

  19. Becca Lynn says

    Oh, Diana. I just… during the last week or so that Kaden was here, I prayed. I prayed so hard. But I couldn’t comment. I didn’t have any words. Well, I had words, but I didn’t feel that any of them were helpful at all.
    I cannot fathom your pain. I cannot fathom your losses. I cannot even begin to comprehend this for you all. And I want to. I want to be able to somehow understand it, as if somehow that would relieve it from you in a teeny, tiny degree.

    I have cried for you all. I still do. My heart is hurting for you so much.

    I don’t know why God didn’t heal Kaden. I don’t know why you all are having to go through this again. I feel like I don’t know anything at all. I do know that you have any army of people behind you, and a big God by your side, carrying you through all of this.
    He hasn’t left you, even if it may feel like it.

  20. Ashley H says

    I thought about you guys on the way home from the gym tonight….wondering how to reach out to you…..our hearts are with you all as you all go through this…..<3

  21. says

    I wish, in so many ways, that you were not going through this… again. I am so sorry for your loss. I prayed and prayed that your little heart warrior would join mine as a member of the zipper club and you’d take him home, maybe on meds, maybe with future surgeries scheduled, but fighting… surviving. I am brokenhearted for you, Sam & Bella. sending much love & prayers, continuously.

  22. Whitney Pence Rodgers says

    Love and prayers for you and your family. Prayers for peace that passes all understanding.

  23. Sarah Green Mummert says

    I'm so very sorry. They fall short, but there is nothing I could say. Continue too be mad with Him at least you're still knowing Him..He can take it. He does love you. You're in my prayers. May you feel His love and comfort

  24. Lucy says

    Diana, you and your family are continually in my thoughts and prayers. A friend recently posted this article as being very helpful while dealing with her own loss. http://www.chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2013/08/you-never-know-grieving-the-loss-of-a-baby/

    I hope that maybe it helps you too a little bit when the time is right. I don’t mean to give you advice right now because I know that’s not what you need, and I could never understand the pain you are going through. I pray for healing and peace for you and your family.

  25. Becky George says

    At a time like this, when your family is grieving for your 3 little boys, I wish I had the perfect words to say to you. I don't think there is anything I can say to ease your grief except I, along with countless others feel part of your pain through your words and wish we could wrap our arms around you. Always in our thoughts and prayers.

  26. says

    Our hearts are all broken for you. Into a million pieces, watching your family go through this when you’ve already been through so much. I can only wish for you to find peace and comfort somehow. I hope with all my might that whatever your future holds, that there is much beauty and love and happiness in store, somehow. I am so very sorry again.

  27. Cynthia says

    I don’t know you at all, but your story has touched me and my family. I’m so very sorry for your losses. Your grace, dignity, and faith are an inspiration. Even if you don’t feel that way, that’s how I perceive you. Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me in my own life.

  28. Allison says

    The way you write is just so beautiful, so raw and so real that it takes my breath away and makes me cry. I feel a tiny bit of your pain and grief through your words and it hurts so much. I wish that by feeling it, we could all take it away and make it better. The new blog design and name feels right. Please keep sharing – it’s cathartic for those of us who have been following this journey you are on. Thank you for coming back again.

  29. Debby Dawson says

    Praying for you. I will never understand why this happened to you again, but there is one thing I am sure of: no matter how sad and alone you feel, He is there with you, holding you. I am so sorry for your loss.

  30. says

    I still have no words. I hoped for your miracle through your entire pregnancy and when little Kaden arrived. Sending you all lots of love.

  31. Stef says

    Diana, my heart aches for you and your family. Today, when reading your updates on Facebook I cried and prayed. I am so incredibly sorry. Saying those words hardly even seems sufficient the profound loss you’ve suffered. I will continue to pray for you and your family to heal all of your hearts.

    Much love,
    Stefanie

  32. says

    Keep writing….when you feel. Thank you for even coming back here. For even sharing your heart and your soul with all of us. I don’t know many people who would. Thank you for being raw and honest…Sending all my love from Australia. xo

  33. Jessica says

    Diana,
    I too do not have the right words to say to you. I screamed at God right along with you. I still do not understand why this happened to your wonderful family. Every day I make sure I say a prayer for you all. I hope you feel all the love and hugs from NY.

  34. says

    Diana, you and your family have been on my heart a lot these pst few weeks. We went through this together last year and it’s not fair, by any stretch of the imagination, that you are going through this agin. It’s bullshit and my heart is breaking for you. There are no words. I remember this time, you need your space, your quiet moments to just be, to collapse in random moments of WhyGod Why? There is no answer that will ever suffice. It’s not fair and I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I wish there was something I could do to ease some of the pain in your heart. Much love and prayers for all of you.

  35. says

    I am so sorry. I’m another stranger who was familiar with your writing and has been praying for you and your family. I wish there was something I can do to take some of your grief and pain. Please know how many people are thinking of you right now. I hope that in your darker moments you can feel all our love and support trying to find their way to you and lift you up.

    xo, Julie

  36. Jessica M says

    I just wanted to say that words can’t explain how sorry I am for your family. My husband and I pray for you all every night (and have been since you first posted about Kaden having issues). I pray so hard that God gives you some comfort in this time where it seems like there is none.

  37. says

    Oh, Diana… I wish I could give you a hug. I am angry for you. I don’t understand why this had to happen. You deserve to have all of your boys, and I wish things could be different. This sucks, plain and simple.

    So, grieve away, lovely. Take all the time you need. Let your heart scream and the tears fall. There is nothing else you need to do. I just wish I could take the pain away. It’s so, so not fair.

    Hugs and love.

    PS: I so love the design of your new space. It’s beautiful, and a nice tribute to your boys and the woman you are in the here and now.

  38. Kristin VanderHey Shaw says

    Diana, I am sending you all the love I can. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. So sorry.

  39. Kassie Renae says

    I don't really have the words. My heart breaks reading this and I know your heart is much more broken than I can even imagine. I don't think it was silly to hold onto your hope at all… any mama would do that because how can they not? Prayers and hugs!

  40. says

    Oh Diana. Your last line is haunting, and so very true. It is very very hard. I felt the same way with Jenna, that we would walk out proving all those stupid doctors wrong and I was left with so much disappointment. I never ever dreamed that she wouldn’t make it. I still sometimes wonder how I could have believed so blindly. I have come to believe that that hope got us through those otherwise impossible days. Wrapping you and your family in so much prayer and love.

  41. Lauren C says

    Hi Diana, it’s Lauren C from SRT. You’ve been on my mind this past week. I want to thank you for your courage & honesty in this post; it has really helped me tonight. My sweet mom peacefully passed away Friday evening August 30 & I know she will be standing in line in heaven to have a turn to hold all three of your sweet boys. Mom loved babies. I can relate very clearly to your comment that you have to remind yourself that Kaden isn’t temporarily gone. Even though I knew Mom would not survive Alzheimer’s, it still catches me off guard sometimes that she really did pass away. This isn’t just a temporary period of time away from her. She really isn’t sitting in the care facility where we moved her in June. I’m in a strange place right now; I rejoice that her suffering is over & I am confident that she is fully restored – but I also feel like a motherless child. Your honest expression of your feelings right now really have helped me & I will continue to draw inspiration from your journey in the months to come. May God cover you & your family with His peace and comfort. I am so sorry for your loss.

  42. Brandi Loehr Thomas says

    When I read your words, your pain filled heartbreaking words I want to hug you, pray with you. I don't know you but as a fellow mom, my heart breaks for you and your family. If I feel this way, as someone who doesn't know you, I can only begin to imagine how God's heart breaks for you. So many people told me after my miscarriages that I had to trust in God's plan. A friend who lost her son to SIDS said she didn't believe a loving God would plan for her son to die. It took a while for me to understand this. I do believe that God is in control. I do believe that God loves us. I don't believe that God makes bad things happen as a part of a plan. I don't know why these things happen, why you couldn't take your amazing Kaden home. I think sometime life beyond sucks. I am so sorry that this completely and totally beyond sucky crappy thing happened to you and your family. You will all continue to be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers.

  43. says

    I just found your blog in the days following kaden’s birth so although I’m new to your story, my heart is breaking for you. We lost our son Isaac at 21 weeks last Christmas. The pain of losing a baby is one I wish no one knew and I’ve questioned so many times why some seemingly get their miracles and others don’t. I am so sorry for your loss and have especially been praying for your little girl and for you as you answer all of her questions. I was so sad for my own little 3 year old daughter- that she never got to hold her littlest brother and do all of the things she had looked forward to with him. Her innocent questions broke my heart time and time again- and thinking of your little girl going through this again is so heartbreaking. We gave my kids “Isaac” bears from their brother and its been something for all of us to hold on to when we had to let go of what we wanted to hold on to most. If your daughter doesn’t have something like this already, we’d love to send you one.

    Praying for you as you journey through this grief.

  44. Randi says

    Thank you for blogging during this time, and after you lost Preston and Julian. I only found your blog a few months ago, but it has helped me feel like someone understands what I’m going through.
    I’m so, so sorry. I lost my third baby (miscarriage) a few weeks before Kaden was born. I didn’t have my own miracle to pray for anymore, so I prayed so hard for yours. I prayed so hard for a miracle for Kaden, and now I pray that you will have the strength to grieve again. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this again. Wrestling with God is so much harder the second time. I wish I had some advice for going through grief a second (or third) time, but I don’t. It feels impossible no matter what, until eventually you find yourself on the other side.

  45. says

    Once again your honesty and strength blow me away. My tears are still pouring out for you, Sam and Bella. I will continue to keep you in my heart and thoughts and prayers. Prayers for peace and comfort. Thoughts of coping and normalcy. And always, always, in my heart, love for you, from one mother to another.

  46. says

    There is nothing -nothing- like the pain of losing a child. I’m not sure how I survived it once. It takes your breath away. Hurts like you didn’t know it was possible to hurt. My list of questions I’d like to ask God certainly grows longer the more trips I take around the sun.

    It sounds shallow -knowing how I do that nothing can take your pain and grief and loss and heartache and questions and anger away- but I’m so sorry for you. So very, very sorry.

  47. says

    There reslly are no words I can say that can express how truly sad I am for all of you. Just know you I continue to ptay for all of you and I love you.

  48. Robin Somers says

    Genesis 32:22-31 is the story of Jacob wrestling with God. Jacob faced God alone. He never walked the same again. God touched Him and left Him with a limp. Much like you wrestling with God. You will never be the same. As much as we all are praying for you. But vs. 28 is my prayer for you. That like Jacob you will overcome. May God bless you like he did Jacob. Your limp will always be your testimony of facing God and coming through blessed.

  49. Judy Enstad says

    Although we don't know each other, I've followed your blog for quite some time. Your family is in our prayers each evening and we pray that God sends you comfort.

  50. Malanda Babbitt says

    My heart aches for you and your family. I wish you had your 3 sweet boys here with you today. Many hugs going out to you! <3

  51. Monica says

    I don’t know what to say aside from the fact that I am sorry. I am sorry. It is just… I hate that this all happened to you.

  52. says

    You are one of the strongest women I've ever known. I don't have words to say to make it all go away. Trust me I wish I did. Although I don't understand why anyone of this would happen, there is a reason for it all. God will bless you and your family. What a wonderful gift that God gave you to allow you to be the mother to such wonderful angels. They were so perfect that they were too wonderful for this world. Please keep your faith, and know that no matter what God is in Control!

  53. Maura says

    I love what Robin Somers wrote above and am praying, too, that you, like Jacob, will overcome, thrive, and be blessed. There are some wounds that cannot be healed —- know that your online family is with you and will do all we can to uphold you through the pain.

  54. Julie says

    I’ve commented a few times on your blog and facebook pages about how my family is praying for you. I wanted to say it again and to tell you we’re still praying. My children and I pray for you every day.

    I prayed for a miracle for Kaden’s complete healing too. I believed it until the moment I heard he’d gone. I was stunned. I felt like someone had punched me and I cried. I’ve been through some loss. Three miscarriages and my youngest son, Peter, was stillborn at 41 weeks, two days. I’m so so very sorry you’ve lost two more sons than I have. Are you tired yet of people telling you how strong you are? I’m sorry you have to go through another round.

    Please just know I’m going to continue to pray for you. Again, I’m so sorry.

  55. says

    I wish I could ‘do’ something for you. More than ‘just’ praying. But, since that is all I can do, I will do it often and without ceasing. I pray that God will meet you in your grief and day by day bring healing and peace. I am so so so sorry for you loss upon loss. <3

  56. Tesa Asbell says

    Frustrating when your heart goes out to someone and you want nothing more then to comfort them , but words fail me. My heart goes out to you and I hope that peace and love will fill your heart.

  57. Kim says

    I am so sorry Diana. There are no words to make it better, but you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers always.

  58. says

    Diana, I just want to say I promise to keep praying for you, Sam, and Bella. Our whole family cried right along with you guys over Kaden. We don’t understand why this happened… but we love you guys and will continue to lift it up to our Father.

  59. says

    Nothing stupid about your hope for a miracle. I was hoping & praying for it for you. Grief is a lonely journey at times, but I hope & pray you feel love & comfort around you, your husband, daughter and extended family as the days go forward. A book that helped me through my miscarriages (although different still a loss of a child, a dream & much grieving) was What Was Lost: A Christian Journey Through Miscarriage (see http://barrett.wjkbooks.com). She talks about and interviews women about miscarriage, pregnancy loss and talks about God & faith through it all. You might, in time, find parts or all of it comforting. It can be read as a chapter here or there. Something to consider another day. For now, much love & prayer coming your way.

  60. says

    First, I love the fresh look. Seeing that picture just brought me to tears.
    I have no words that would change anything, know you have and are being prayed for.

  61. says

    Also, it's still a beautiful picture. We all expanded our hearts by those little feet. ♥ There's always a place for you guys and Preston, Julian, and Kaden in my families heart.

  62. says

    Diana, I am so sorry you're walking through this. Again. There is no comfort that is sufficient or words that can heal – except the great I Am. May you feel Him in the grief. We lost our baby girl Olivia last summer and one of the few things that carried me is the truth that we are moving towards our lost babies, not away from them. You are closer to him today than you were yesterday. May hope and thanksgiving carry you.

  63. Jennifer says

    I have no words that will make your pain go away. I am so truly sorry for your loss. He was so beautiful. Perfect little boy. He looked like a little baby doll. I don’t know why you have had to endure all this heartache. I only pray that you find the strength and that you heal from this terrible tragedy. My family will pray for you and yours.

  64. Heather says

    Diana, you don’t know me but I came across your blog through another blog, asking for prayers for your family. It was right after the birth of your son Kaden and you had just found out about his medical problems. I’ve been praying and thinking of you and your family ever since. My heart has hurt for you. Nothing will take any pain or hurt away and no words will make this any better. But I want you to know you are an amazing woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend to those that love you most! I don’t know you and I find you to be unbelievably strong and courageous. I am a mama too and I know that love for your child(ren). You are a beautiful and strong role model for your daughter and she will learn so much by watching you and seeing you. Big hug! Peace be with you, Heather

  65. says

    I am so very sorry for this loss, and the loss of the twins. I cannot imagine. I keep asking myself HOW? Didn’t she meet her quota last year with the loss of the twins? How much can one family take? What purpose does all of this loss serve? I’ve yet to find the answers. My heart breaks for you and your family and I think and pray for you often. I know we serve a mighty God and a BIG God and I’m just waiting to see what’s around the corner for you and your family. He’s got something girl. I know it. Bless you all as you travel this road again. My prayers are with you.

  66. Megan W says

    Diana,

    I have been reading your blog for a few months now. My heart has been heavy with the news of your loss. You are so brave for sharing your story. And even though you have no idea who I am, I have been praying for you and your family. It is my hope that you find some semblance of peace and comfort during this time and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

    Megan

  67. says

    I really didn’t know you or your sweet family until recently but you are all forever etched in my heart. The prayers for you will continue and I pray you feel them just covering you like a warm blanket.

  68. davis ann says

    diana,
    just want you to know that you are often in my prayers. i hope and pray that you feel like your community is holding up your arms when you are too weak and weary. i am so sorry for your loss, and i pray that as the Lord works in your heart that you are drawn ever closer to him. my heart hurts for you; i pray the Lord is your strength and your peace today & every day.

    davis ann

  69. Urban Wife says

    Diana, I am so brokenhearted for you and your family. I know nothing I say will help, but just know that I’m continually praying.

  70. jane says

    nothing i can say to make the pain go away. i’m so glad you had 3 weeks with kaden. i’m so glad you had the last few weeks of a happy pregnancy. i’ve been checking daily for an update on his condition but as each day passed with no word from you it was finally becoming clearer & clearer what was happening. my heart breaks for you, sam & bella. so not fair! stay strong.

  71. Shauna says

    These are the words I was hoping not to read. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family in this terrible time.

  72. says

    All I can say and do is pray for you and your family. I don’t understand why these things happen and I don’t know how you get through it but I know that God does. So I will pray to him that he wraps you in His peace. A peace that only He can give.

  73. Nikki says

    Keeping you and your family close by, in my prayers and heart. I’m so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss and wish there was something more that could be said and done. Kaden (and Preston & Julian) have made such an indelible impression on many people’s hearts, that their legacy will live on forever.

    Peace, love & strength to you from Georgia.

  74. Mary says

    Just another girl here, letting you & your precious family know that I am heartbroken for this extreme pain that is going on in your lives. The missing of someone we love – it’s depths really can’t be measured. Deep love=Deep Grief. No matter how “fugly” your grief gets {yep, that’s a hidden f bomb there} we have our Big God Girl Panties on, Diana, and we are here through the fire.

  75. Jennifer C says

    I lost my mom last fall to cancer. The chaplain at the hospital in those final hours said that tremendous grief is the price we pay for tremendous love. It certainly doesn’t take away the pain but it helped me. I hope it helps you. Praying for you and your entire family during this time.

  76. says

    All of you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. This is simply unimaginable & I’m so unbelievably sorry this has happened again. My family grieves with yours. As you continue to grieve, I pray that God will lay a healing hand on your shoulder and help bring whatever peace only He can truly bring. Take your time Diana. Hugs, love and prayers.

  77. says

    Oh Diana. I am so terribly sorry for what you and your sweet family are going through. I can’t believe it’s happening again. I think about y’all so much, and I will continue to pray for you, Sam, Bella, and all of your family.

  78. Amy Lake Swaner says

    I can't say anything but that my heart is breaking with you. Praying for you, Sam, and Bella.

  79. says

    Love the new design. It’s as beautiful as you.

    Take all the time you need to write or not write whatever you want & whatever helps you the most. I {& oh so many others} are here to support you & Sam & Bella however we can. So much love & prayers continue to be sent your way!

  80. says

    I wish there was something I could do, any one of us could do, to ease this ache.
    but my heart is breaking alongside yours and my prayers are with you , along with all the love I can send.

    I am so deeply sorry.

  81. says

    I cry every day for you, for your family and for sweet Kaden. For what could have been and what should have been. This has rocked my faith to the core because I never, ever ONCE thought Kaden wasn’t coming home. I just knew in my heart that God would heal him, I just knew. God and I have been duking it out ever since. Although my faith may be shaken, we still pray for your family every night, that you might find some shred of comfort, that those three precious boys are the best darn angels in heaven and that they’re watching over you, keeping you wrapped in their love. xoxo

  82. says

    Dearest Diana,

    In browsing the internet this morning looking for information regarding twins I stumbled across your blog. What a painful journey you have had. I speak as a mother of two and hoping for more. I guess, what bonds us is our faith. God has blessed you deeply. Your baby girl is god sent and I know that at times such as these it is difficult to fight pain in order to see the light, but I assure you she is the light. And a bright one. As a woman of faith you know as well as I do that Gods plan and timing is perfect. Regardless of our ability to understand it or not. I wish to not make light of the situation in any fashion but what stuck me the most was even in your darkest moment you called to God. His plan for you will be laid out in detail when your final days come and you in the lords paradise will be reunited with your children. Our world is temporary no matter how short the time on this earthly planet, eternity awaits you all. May the lord continue to watch over you and your family and I pray that you find peace.

    Have Faith,
    Christa

  83. says

    "O beloved, I have watched as I have seen your heart break with loss and the tears that you could not keep from falling.

    For I grieve as I watch your pain. O My child, as you stretch out your hand and fall into My embrace, your agony of heart and soul shall ease. For surely I am He who is the comforter, and even in the natural when it seems as though all natural comfort eases not, surely I say to you, beloved, that as you draw close to Me amidst this pain of loss, I shall put a shield across your heart and I, My Spirit, the Comforter, shall bathe your heat in His embrace.

    Even as you have not believed that there could be any rest from the aching in your heart, surely, My child, I tell you that as you fling yourself on Me, you shall even experience a supernatural healing, a supernatural comfort that is far beyond and above all earthly solace.

    O come to Me, My child, for yet a little while. Do you not yet realize that your timespan on Earth is but a vapor in comparison to eternity? And that once again you shall see your beloved one's face. For surely I tell you, there is no loss here, no sickness or mourning, for the old order of all things has passed away; only continual light, love and the worship of My Father remain.

    So run into My outstretched arms, beloved. Climb into My embrace, and as you place your head upon My heart, allow My supernatural comfort and healing to ease the continual ache in your heart. And, precious child, know that even as I speak to you amidst your pain, your beloved looks upon My face – they will never again be apart from Me. So you see, beloved, while you grieve, they are radiant with the light and the glory and radiance of the joys of Heaven and closeness to Me and My Father.

    And know, My child, that indeed when your time is come and you shall see Me face to face, so indeed they shall welcome you with Me into the glories that await you here beyond eternity. So do not let your heart be sick any longer, beloved, but lose yourself in My embrace and find comfort for your aching heart."
    'Journal of the Unknown Prophet'.

  84. says

    There are absolutely no words that are sufficient for this.

    Please know that you weren’t the only one praying and believing in miracles for Kaden. And know that even if everyone reading this could carry your grief for a minute, to make it lighter, we would.

  85. Kathy Sharp says

    Crying with you, Diana. And no, it wasn’t stupid to hope. What else could you do? Praying for God’s comfort for you and your family.

  86. says

    All I can do is just be here. For you, for your family. Just be.

    I am a pediatric cardiac ICU nurse across the country from where you are. I unfortunately feel the pain of so many families like yours – but not quite like yours. I cannot describe to you your pain but I can and will just *be* here for you just like I am with my own patients and their families. Many prayers, tears, and thoughts go out for you.

  87. says

    Diana, I’m trying to hold my heart and my tears in right now because I’m at work and it’s hard. I know that we don’t know each other but right now you feel like a friend and my heart hurts for you. I don’t know what to say except I am so sorry!

  88. says

    I wish there was something to be said or done to ease you and your family’s pain. Know that so many are sending you love and strength.

  89. lindsey says

    i can only imagine your hurt. please know that you have people all over praying for you and your family, lifting your heart up to the Lord and asking for healing.

    you are an inspiration. i am sending you strength.
    xo, lindsey

  90. Caroline H. says

    Praise God that he gave Kaden to you and your husband! The amount of love that you showered upon your son during his short time on this earth is beautiful. What a blessing it is that he received such devoted parents, and therefore the opportunity to experience such love in his Earthly home. Parents who never gave up hope, who planned for him, held him and sang to him. Parents who kept faith.

    No other two people could have loved and wanted for him more. My heart breaks for the pain you feel from his passing, but rejoices at the fact that you and your husband were chosen to be his Mom and Dad. This gift you gave Kaden, the gift of pure adoration and love, is not lost in the eyes of God. Nor is your pain. I pray that God guides you and your family through this terrible time of grief.

  91. Stephanie Sutton says

    I kept checking back, praying for Kaden, you, and your family. I am so stunned. There are no words. I am still praying. I wish I were more articulate. Know you are being lifted up daily.

  92. says

    Diana,
    I so wish I had some wise or amazing words. Wish I had something to soothe the pain. But I know nothing will. Not even time.
    It will dull. Eventually. But it will always be there.
    I’m so sorry.
    Saying prayers for you daily, that you’re able to hold to your faith. I know that challenge :(

  93. says

    I’ll add my pebble to the pond. I’ve been praying, reading, watching, celebrating and now grieving with you for months. I hardly ever leave words becasue words seem so inadequate. Like you said: We all want to push fast-forward for you. It’s unimaginable that you have to walk this path again.

    But this pebble, these futile words, they are a symbol of prayer. Of waking up in the middle of the night and lifting a mama friend up to Jesus, even though I haven’t met her in person. We are covering you, like a warm blanket. We would do anything to take away your ragged grief, even if for just a few minutes. But since we can’t, we just sit and stay.

  94. says

    Diana, your a beautiful and courageous woman. Your a beautiful mother to four children and you have inspired me even in your brokenness and grief. I want you to know that you are making a difference in so many lives. Please keep writing and sharing with us, but only in your time and when you are ready.

  95. Joy says

    I don’t know what I could add to the many condolences left for you and your family that hasn’t been said but I just know I have to say something. To just say that I read your post, that another person is out there in the world who knows the weight Kaden is leaving in this world, that there is someone praying. You’re not alone. We may not all understand your pain nor been in your shoes. But we’re here, we’re listening, we’re crying and grieving with you. And you’re not alone.

  96. Jacqueline says

    Dearest Diana,
    Thank you so much for letting us in on this journey… You could so easily run and shut us out but I feel privileged I can pray for you from Australia. Please know we are hurting for you and your family, and you are in my prayers.
    Much love to you, Sam, and Bella.

  97. says

    I think about you and your family often. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you through this profoundly difficult time.

  98. says

    I am so so sorry for your losses. Words can’t express…I’m coming up short trying to think of something comforting I could say.

    You guys are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Xo

  99. says

    There are honestly no words that can take your pain Diana. I’m praying for you through this difficult time – that God can show you his mercy and grace during another tragic loss. I’ll be saying prayers for you and your family. What a glorious day it will be when you are reunited with your three boys again.

    “‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'” – Isaiah 41:10

  100. Meredith Martin says

    Hugs to you. I remember after losing my daughter I was so mad at God. I told my priest "I still believe in God, but I don't have to like him." And he told me that was fine, God understood. It took a long time to find a way to "like" God again. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry.

  101. Molly says

    Hi Diana,

    Obviously we don’t know each other, but I stumbled upon your blog today and just wanted to send you some words of love and encouragement. I cannot even begin to fathom the grief and pain you are experiencing, but I do know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows and loves each and every one of us and is willing and wanting to comfort us in times of trial. I know we may not be of the same faith, but I would hope you would take the time to watch this short clip (5 minutes) as it is one that has given me much comfort in difficult times. It is given by one of the leaders of our church, Henry B. Eyring. I hope it touches your heart in the same way. May God bless you and your sweet family as you continue to heal! You’ll definitely be in my prayers!!!
    http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=2176618422001

  102. Niki Plzak says

    I am so sorry you and your family are going through such a tremendous loss. You are in my thoughts.

  103. Taunya Randolph Simmons says

    I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. I understand. 20 years ago today I lost our little girl, Mary Katherine. She weighed 6lbs and 3ozs. I still miss her every day. Our 1st child Christopher was 3 at the time. Unfortunately, I never got pregnant again. Hold your Bella close and know that happiness returns, but it will always have different flavor.

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