Today Kaden would have been a month old.
I’ve thought about this all day. All the things we’re missing. The life he’ll never have with us.
I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing I write on here will even dent the amount of emotion pent up inside me about this.
I miss him. I wish I had gotten to know him better. It was so hard because he was so sick.
It feels like part of my heart was ripped out. I feel lost. Numb. Forgotten. Betrayed. Dropped instead of carried.
I feel like God forgot about us down here. I felt His presence so strongly after losing Preston and Julian. It was as if He was there, wrapping His arms around me. In fact there was a time months later I remember missing the depth of the grief with them simply for that feeling.
I don’t feel that right now. Maybe I’m too angry to feel that holy presence. But I feel very much alone. My prayers feel different because I’m not sure what to pray for – or if He’s listening to what I really need.
I know all the platitudes. The scriptures about this. The “right” words. The things that are supposed to give me comfort. Yet for right now I’m ok with struggling with my faith. I am. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to question. It’s ok to search for God – even if He’s right there with me.
It’s ok to do all this. I have to tell myself that, remind myself that if we are made in God’s image, He can handle all of my pain and anger and questioning. He’s God after all. He may have not caused this but He’s the only one I can turn to in my overwhelming pain and anger to ask “Why?”
One month. I miss Kaden. And I’m going to continue to ask “Why? Why God?” even if I never get an answer.
And that’s ok.