Becoming Real

September 13, 2013

Today was a hard day.

I think as time passes, the shock of losing Kaden is beginning to lessen as reality sets in.

He’s never coming home.

I’ll never get to hold him.

That crib will never have him in it.

I’ll never get to nuzzle in his little neck folds again and kiss him all over.

He’s not going to be there when I wake up.

I’ll never see Sam chase him around.

Bella will never hold his hand again.

That was it. I changed a handful of diapers, held him a few times, never got to give him a bath, nursed him for 3 days, waited 10 more to bottle feed, and he was gone.

My heart is so heavy with missing him. Missing my twins. It’s almost unbearable to miss them all at the same time.

I can’t even look at his pictures because it hurts so.bad. I have video and the thought of watching it brings tears to my eyes. I miss him so deeply – I can’t even comprehend why we are going through this again. I have no explanation. No purpose on earth is ever going to be worth his life. Nothing that comes of this will ever, ever make me thankful for his loss or this pain.

His death changed everything. With the twins, there was at least an understanding. It was a high risk pregnancy. There were complications. Hard as it was, I got it. But I held onto that hope that if we got pregnant again, it wouldn’t be like that. I endured so, so much to get Kaden here. We all did. So much stress – physical and emotional toll on us all. All those months of waiting and wondering if I would lose him. All those ultrasounds confirming he was ok. Every week seemed unbelievable – I was almost there. I’d done it. I finally, finally let go and bought clothes, dreamed of holding him, set up his things, let myself fully fall into motherhood of a newborn again, trusted that we’d get this little boy.

I trusted. I let go. I stopped waiting for the bomb to go off.

What happened?

It doesn’t matter that I might never know why. I’ll still always have that question to wrestle with. I think any mother who loses a baby does. No matter what – you always have to wonder and have the “what if’s” long after anyone else thinks you should.

This hurts worse than anything. I don’t have any right words for any of you reading who are suffering too. Just like no one can have them for me, and that’s ok. I need to do this to heal, and know that others out there get it. Just know that if you are reading this and you’re hurting too, we’re all in this together right now. That alone is so tragically, horribly comforting.

 

38 Comments

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  • Nikki

    September 16, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Still here and still reading. Still praying and still hurting for you.

  • Ashley Coy

    September 15, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Wishing I was there to give you a hug lady. We love you guys and you are always in our hearts and prayers ♡

  • Paulina Coy

    September 15, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    You are right we're in this together, we lost our baby boy more than a year ago and still yesterday I couldn't finish reading your post because I understand it too good and it still hurts. Today I finished reading and it's comforting to read that others get it as you said. I don't know you but I still and you hugs and love.

  • Sarah C. (@2pawsdesigns)

    September 15, 2013 at 9:34 am

    You’re right. There are no right words. There is no understanding. It’s just moving forward little bit by little bit. Letting ourselves mourn. Letting ourselves cry. Letting ourselves smile again and slowly heal. I think there is always a hole, always a bit of sorrow even as time passes and it becomes less harsh. I just remind myself at times to feel, express, do whatever is best for me in my healing because I need that to be a good mom to my oldest child – the only one I can hold onto and be an example for. He needs me. Continuing to send love & prayers from afar.

  • christine

    September 14, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Diana, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do… We lost a little boy this August as well (I was six months along) and have another little angel in heaven as well (a first trimester miscarriage in 2011). My heart goes out to you and all of us mothers who are suffering. xo

  • Laura

    September 14, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    My heart hurts for you, and reading your words puts a big lump in my throat. I can’t imagine. Still praying.

  • Monica

    September 14, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Many thoughts and prayers.

  • Liza (Cira’s Lyrics)

    September 14, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    my heart breaks for you. i am so sorry. i can’t even imagine what you are going through. i was in the room when my sister lost her twins prematurely and it was heartbreaking. years later it is still hard to talk about. please keep writing. thank you for sharing. you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Brenda Johnson Tolson

    September 14, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    I am so sorry you have had to experience such loss and greif. I have prayed for you daily and continue to do so. You are being lifted up in prayer by more than you can imagine.

  • Kristin

    September 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    I’m so very very sorry. My heart breaks for you and your family.

  • Sally Pyles Duren

    September 14, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Diana, I am so so sad for y’all. Angry. But most of all sad. And yes, we are all carrying your hurt with us too. I know that doesn’t make it easier, and I wish we could physically carry the load for awhile, but please know you aren’t alone. You are prayed for every, single day.

  • Olivia

    September 14, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Praying for you still…

  • Mary Templeton Lichlyter

    September 14, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Hugs to all of you! :'(

  • Jess

    September 14, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I hope that you find some comfort in your new home!!!! And I know this does not make you feel better but maybe you guys could learn what happened with the CDC investigating your case!!!! None of this will bring your son back but i truley hope that it brings you a little piece of mind and maybe some much needed answers! I think about your family often!

  • Sonya Morris

    September 14, 2013 at 8:29 am

    ((Hugs))

  • Maria

    September 14, 2013 at 7:36 am

    (((((((((((Hug)))))))))

  • Gina Perna

    September 14, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Diana, I get it. I’ve been there, except my baby (Emily) was 10 years old. She died the day she turned 10 1/2 (of cancer, stage IV neuroblastoma), so every 6 months there’s her birthday or the anniversary of her passing. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball. I feel like I shouldn’t have the struggles because some time has passed. A decade passed just a couple of weeks ago since the day she left this world. But I still struggle. Not everyday. Most days I function just fine, as if I’m a reasonably normal human being. But other days, I just lose it. Even now. I struggle with the whys, the hows, and the what ifs. Still. My relationship with God was not solid for a while. I suppose it still may not be as strong as it should be, and I struggle with that, too. During her illness and even in and following her death, I gave God all the glory for everything happening. Emily brought hundreds, even thousands of people together, praying for a miracle, praying for healing, praying for peace. I recognized these to be very holy and comforting. But about a month after she was gone, it hit me that she was actually GONE. That I would never see her smiling face, or touch her sweet skin, or hold her again. I would see girls her age playing outside, and I would just come unglued knowing that Emily wasn’t there with them, that she would never be there with them again. Those moments are now few and fleeting, but they still come. I get it.

  • Shari

    September 14, 2013 at 6:28 am

    Sending continued prayers <3

  • Erica Bryand Ramirez

    September 14, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Diana, you're still in our hearts and prayers. <3

  • Urban Wife

    September 14, 2013 at 1:29 am

    My heart breaks into a million pieces, every time I think about your suffering. I don’t know you but I’m praying for you and Sam and Bella, all the time. You are so loved.

  • Charity E.

    September 13, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    When the heart cracks open like a dam bursting, no words or frantic efforts to stem the tide of boiling grief will help. You are loved, you are thought of, you are wrapped in the powerful care of so many who feel privileged to know you. Oh Diana, I beg God to give you comfort to endure this crippling pain yet again. Prayers always.

  • Alexia @ Babies & Bacon

    September 13, 2013 at 11:37 pm

    Much love to you. So very much.

  • Nicoleand Brad Candle-Creations

    September 14, 2013 at 5:37 am

    I just want to hug you no words could take away what you feeling my heart breaks for youd loses. You are in my thoughts.

  • Raelynne Campbell

    September 14, 2013 at 5:13 am

    Still praying for you all!…I too have lost 3 infants ( a son,and twin daughters)

  • Britney Nichole

    September 13, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    I am just so silenced with the enormous-ness of this hurt. I fill the space of confusion with words and words and words, because that’s how we do 🙂 , but when it comes to any real truth… just silenced. I am struggling, spiritually, with your story almost more than my own. It seems so unfair. So wrong. It’s hard to accept on any level. I blogged about it too, about the war inside me between trust and bitterness. I just have to keep praying, Lord I believe, help my unbelief! And cling to that moment in Scripture when many turn from Jesus and he asks his disciples, “Will you leave?” and all they can say is, “where else could we ever go?”

  • Stefanie Miller

    September 13, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I hurt so badly for you, Sam & Bella. I hate that you are all having to go through this again. Praying for your broken hearts.

  • melanie

    September 13, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I don’t know you Diana, but I pray for you guys every day. My heart breaks for you every time you and that precious baby boy cross my mind. You all will remain in my heart and in my prayers.

  • Ryanna

    September 13, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    We lost our little boy 4 years ago. I first heard the song “I need you here” by Plumb earlier this year. It seemed to describe so well what I felt during that time and still do.

  • Shannon McAvoy

    September 13, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Oh sweet girl. I think of you and Kaden daily and will continue praying. I wish a hug could fix it, but it can’t. Sending my love…

  • Shundria Perry

    September 14, 2013 at 3:44 am

    I've felt that pain twice. I get it. Praying comfort for your empty arms and aching heart.

  • Ashley

    September 13, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    It’s a club you never want to join, but when you walk in the door you are glad you’re not alone. Holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

  • Lucy Miller Robinson

    September 13, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    My deepest condolences to you, Diana. I was even moved by your loss to write a blog entry about spirit babies. Like you said, this is tragically and horribly confusing. The concept of spirit babies helps me to make some sense of the senseless. My prayers are with you, as they have been.

  • Kacia (@CoconutRobot)

    September 13, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I love you more than I know how to say. I know I fumble over my words and say dumb things ALL the time, but just know that I love you.

  • deborah garza

    September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    My heart is breaking for you, Diana. You are loved by women all over the world and we are all praying for you and sending love your way.

  • Stephanie

    September 13, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    I get it. I’m so sorry that we have to get it together.

  • Teresa Nolan

    September 14, 2013 at 3:25 am

    I just wanted to let you know you're still in my prayers. I love you and your precious family. I want to wrap my arms around you and let you cry even though I've never met you. I"m glad you have Sam and your family to do that.

  • Ree

    September 13, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    You are loved.

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