Last May when I lost the twins, I remember feeling completely lost on how to find any type of comfort in my daily routine. For about a month, I backed off of everything I’d done prior that I loved – mostly writing other places.
When I started up again, I felt extremely guilty for talking about anything else but the boys. I felt bad for wanting to write at Babble and Military Family about something other than loss. I wrestled constantly with sharing my grief online, with any type of social media that I shared it on. I felt as if every time I said anything normal, everyone was going to wonder if I was “all better” or “over it” or the worst:
Even though very few people made any type of remarks making me feel like that, I still had the nagging feeling that grief and loss should be done alone. Private. And all enveloping – you grieved completely and totally or it wasn’t really grief. You did it every moment of every day and you couldn’t fathom doing anything else or it wasn’t really grief. You didn’t really love them that much if you could talk about anything else or wanted to share it publicly.
Oh, how wrong I was. In the past nearly 18 months I’ve learned that being online is one of my forms of comfort. Writing about my loss and not about my loss is healing for me. Finding other parents who know what I’ve been through and tell me their own stories is comforting. Tweeting about being sad or a funny part of my day is comforting. It’s comforting to be sad and to be normal.
I’ve learned from the twins that everyone grieves completely differently, and that my way of grieving this time is to do it in stages. I think of Kaden, Preston, and Julian every single moment of every day. But that doesn’t mean that I spend all day in bed. (And that’s ok if that’s where you are – truly.) I simply can’t do it that way, I have to be able to have a life and let grief overwhelm when it needs to.
This time I let it consume me when it hits. And then when I’m done with that powerful moment, I move onto something that brings me comfort – guilt free. If it’s snuggling with Bella, I do it. If it’s throwing myself into a blog post for Babble on homeschool, then I do that. I will head to a farmer’s market tomorrow, take Bella to a playdate next week, and have dinner with friends this weekend. We’re trying to find a balance of life and grief entwined together. It’s my own, very personal, process and I’m learning to accept how I handle it right now.
I hope this might bring a little comfort to another parent struggling with how to grieve and find normalcy too. xo
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