I’m going to spill something that I think some of you might be thinking about.
It hurts to see babies. It hurts so, so much.
See – with the twins, seeing babies wasn’t as bad as losing Kaden. Because twins are rarer, so my brain was able to rationalize seeing a baby with, “But you’d have two so it’s not that painful to see one.” That was my comfort mantra until it stung less. Seeing twins still hurts.
Now I’ve lost a full term, single baby. One that I held and sang to and rocked and nursed.
And I can’t get away from it. Babies are all over. Facebook, Instagram, the store, Starbucks, my friends – it’s a continual reminder over and over of what I don’t have anymore. It’s like being smacked in the face every time I turn around. Except it’s my heart that just re-shatters into a million pieces. The hundred thoughts that instantly race through my mind, “He would have had, he would have been, we would have done, that should have been…” until I can’t handle it and just shut my brain off. I find a distraction of some kind that doesn’t have to do with a baby.
So heading to Influence is going to be rough in many ways. I was pregnant alongside so many of the ladies going with their little ones. I was planning on taking Kaden. It’s still surreal that I won’t be. I want to go to see you all and to have a fun few days, but there is the constant thought of, “All of them will have their babies and I won’t.”
Here’s the thing – I promise I won’t avoid you on purpose. Please don’t avoid me if you want to say hi or talk. I want to meet so many of you. But know that if I avert my eyes from your baby until the pain lessens just a bit, if I don’t immediately gush over your child, if it seems like I’m doing everything to hold back tears – it’s kind of you but it’s not because of you. It’s anyone right now – I will be thrilled to see you and so, so glad that your baby is healthy and here. I promise I’m not angry or bitter or going to say something uncomfortable because you have your little one with you.
I just may need to cry a bit. And I don’t expect you to do anything. If you want to hug, that’s fine. If you tell me you don’t know what to say, that’s fine too. If you want to ask me about Kaden, Preston, Julian, Bella; that’s wonderful.
I don’t want or need everyone to cater to my loss or feelings, please don’t go out of your way to make sure I’m ok. Part of this is just how it is, nothing can change it. I just wanted to let you all know, because grief and loss are uncomfortable – even for me still, that it will be very hard this week for me but I don’t want that to come off as something you need to feel sad or bad about.
Then show up for breakfast on Saturday where I’m going to be interviewed (instead of speaking, that was a bit too much after all that’s happened).
I hope this made sense. I just want to have a good time at Influence, but of course there are still the reminders. So hopefully this helps anyone who is about to meet/be with someone who has been through a loss – not just me.
See you in a few days Influence attendees. xo