The Lord Giveth, and The Lord Maketh Us Stay in El Paso

Oh friends.

If you’ve read me long, you know how very much I was looking forward to moving to Ft. Bragg, North Carolina this fall. When Sam finally got orders to go there by October, we were both over the moon thrilled. Perfect timing; we’d head across the country with a new baby and Bella to a place we couldn’t fathom not loving.

But then Kaden got sick. And after he passed, things got complicated. Sam’s orders were pending deletion to help us move to Dallas instead, but that was no longer needed. With a cross country move looming less than 4 weeks away, a memorial service to plan, a house to pack, and a daughter who had her life tipped over again, we had to make a choice. Quick.

We chose to ask for his orders to continue to be deleted and us to stay in El Paso. Then we waited to see what the Army would do, and yesterday we got word that they would allow us stay here.

My heart hurts over this. I think the only word that explains how I feel – on just about every level of life right now – is bewildered. No rainbow baby. No much anticipated move. I don’t know why it all worked out so wonderfully only to all fall apart. I don’t know.Β Life just keeps getting more and more uncertain and complicated. Sometimes I feel like perhaps God has misunderstood the longings of my heart, or mine are so off base with His plan for me that this keeps happening?

I do know that this is a better choice for now. We will be here permanently for another year and then Sam can look at trying to be stationed at Bragg again. We’re moving into a new house anyway, this one holds too many broken dreams for us now. We have dear friends and an amazing support system. His work has been incredibly kind and generous to us. We are so, so blessed to have them in our lives. It’s cooling off and hey – winter here really is lovely.Β It’s a relief not to have to pack up and move 1800 miles away in a few weeks time.

Now we get to house hunt – and that means lots of pics and a house tour soon! Plus we’re going to update Bella’s room a bit (she’s about ready to fall out of the toddler bed ::sobs::), and plan out a homeschool room as well. I can’t wait to show you all and get your tips. I am a not a great interior (or exterior) decorator so any help I can get I’ll gladly take.

In the meantime, as bewildered as we all might be, we’ll try to make the very best of the next year here as we recover from some big life hits. A little stability for a while won’t hurt a thing.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:7


Comments

  1. Praying for you all! *hugs*

  2. Brei Martin Floyd says:

    Diana, you and Sam are SUCH wonderfully aware and loving and loving-like-Jesus parents. I pray God has sweet mercies for you in El Paso this year. Excited for you to be in a new house! I love all of the decorating potential it brings…even though not knowing where to begin always gets me in a panic ;-).

  3. Brandi Loehr Thomas says:

    I thought about you while listening to the sermon at my church on Sunday. It was about Hope through tough times. I wish you could've been there. Here is the link to the online recording if you want to listen to it. It's about Hope through tough times.
    http://www.fumcr.com/pages/news-media_online-worship
    You continue to be in my heart and prayers.

  4. That sounds like a good, selfless plan that will help Bella so much. You are such a sweey mama! And I can’t wait to see new house pics!!

  5. You both are so selfless! I wish I could be more like you! I put in a prayer card for your family in church Sunday. You are forever in my prayers and in my heart

  6. Calley Brewer Pate says:

    Every night I go to bed saying a prayer for you guys…not knowing really what to say, not really knowing what else to do. My heart hurts everytime I think about it…I cannot fathom your pain. I love your sweet spirit Diana and hope that you can all find peace in one another. Love…hugs…prayers.

  7. As much as you were anticipating the big move I’m so glad you all made the decision to stay in El Paso. It just seems to be the best thing possible for Bella right now and for you and Sam to take a deep breath and have some time to grieve without having to throw a cross country move and navigating a new place to your plate. Think of it as a respite. A time to refocus.

    Selfishly I can’t wait to see the new place and see what you do with the homeschooling space. I’m really considering homeschooling and need some more inspiration! Much love to you sister!!

  8. I swear, you never cease to amaze me, friend. The way you are so broken, yet still clinging to a God that you believe is good. So many of us *think* our faith is rock solid, but I’m sure we’d crumble under the weight of what you have been through. Yet you press on and keep your heart cracked open to the Lord.

    Thank you for sharing with us. For letting us watch your journey. Your faith has strengthened my own more than you’ll know.

    I can’t wait to see house pics…I’d absolutely LOVE to move to a different house (even nearby) for more space and a change of scenery. But for now, I’ll live vicariously through you :)

  9. Sending warm wishes and thoughts to all of you.

  10. I hope you find the perfect place to start trying to heal… It sounds like it will be good to pause your move for a bit. Although I was hoping to meet you once you’re at Bragg– my husband was stationed there during his 4 years of active duty (minus his time in Iraq of course), and his first day of Basic was 9/11/01… So he was there basically the same time as yours– small world! We’re in Raleigh right now, so not too far. Praying everything goes as well as possible in the mean time… Much love!

  11. The thought (or scripture rather) that comes to mind is: “be still, and know that I am God;…” Lots of prayers. And to even continually consider the hand of God in all of this is a blessing. Going through our own faith crisis I am trying to just hold on to that one thread of faith I have left, and that’s enough. I’m doing my best to remind myself that I don’t know it all. There’s an eternal perspective to things and a far greater plan than I understand. Sending you all the PATIENCE in understanding I can, and lots of cyber chocolate :)

  12. Sally Pyles Duren says:

    I'm sad I won't be able to call you a neighbor soon, but I pray that the stay in Texas is what you need to heal. Much love to you.

  13. I am sad to not be hugging your face this year, but I hope that you all find peace and healing. I love you D! xoxo

  14. xoxoo I hope you find a great new place! And hopefully I’ll see you in December.

  15. Fiona Grugan says:

    My mom homeschooled all five of us (and it was an amazing experience). We each had "bins" that we kept our school books and notebooks in at the end of the day. My mom kept a planner for each of us with the days assignments, given and whether they were completed. We didn't have a homeschool "room" per se because we kept everything in the bins, but that gave us freedom to move around and even travel with our school work, which we did quite a bit. We did most of our work on the dining room table because there was a lot of space and good lighting. We also constantly went on "field trips" to museums and laboratories with my mom and other adult friends who knew things my mom thought would be valuable for us to know. Good luck! It's an adventure.

  16. I found you through Home HomeLife magazine and I'm cheering you on. I'm glad you can stablize without the stress of a big move and a new home sounds exciting and well worth it. I'm a new homeschool mom, so I look forward to pictures of your hs room. All the best to you and your family.

  17. Oh! I wish you’d come to my area of NC. ;) So I could hug you something huge. But yes, I think it’s all in the plan, somehow, and if it’s not meant to be for you to relocate right now then that’s how it goes. But good luck with the move. I’m sure you will find the place that is perfect for you and your family.

  18. I miscarried last summer, and moved into a new house shortly thereafter. It was such a blessing. Not only did the new house offer a fresh start and clean slate, but I was excited to throw myself into moving and home improvement projects. Praying for God’s plan to heal and strengthen your family in the year ahead.

  19. I live in El Paso currently and have for almost two years. I’ve found it to be the most emotionally challenging time of my life, though it probably can’t compare to your loss. Since it feels so isolated from the outside world and it’s far away from so much, I’ve found it to be a place of respite. It’s given me the opportunity to process and work through things without a lot of voices in my head and without the business of a big city. I hope it will be the same for you.

  20. Your faith is a beautiful gift, a light in a dark world. I don’t know why God’s plans can hurt us so much, but I will keep trusting Him as well. Much love to you all. Oh and I need to get Keira a bigger bed too. I can’t believe how big our girls are!

  21. Praying you find the perfect place for your next journey!!

  22. Your attitude is admirable. There is a reason why you’re sticking around El Paso for now. I hope you find it sooner rather than later. Praying for you every night.

  23. Hopefully in a year that transfer to Bragg will happen (I’m not too far & would love to meet you IRL!), but, yes, just moving to a new house is enough after all the last few weeks have brought into your lives. I continue to pray for you. Wish there were words or actions to “fix” things. Still struggling myself day to day with trying to understand not only your recent hurdles but my own. I feel like this has been a year of mental, emotional & faith struggle. I believe in God. I believe in good. But gracious the latter seems really missing lately. May the coming months be happier all around.

  24. I can’t wait to hear about house hunting. And I’m here if you need to talk. Love you.

  25. truly, it is such an encouragement to see you clingy to God in the middle of all your suffering rather than running from Him.

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