Today I headed out on the 40 minute drive over the west side of El Paso (did I mention this town is gigantic?). I went because, once again, Bella is headed back to play therapy and the first appointment is where we meet her therapist.
Last time, she had our therapist. We both saw her on different days, and she was wonderful. This time, due to her schedule, Sam and I will continue to see her but Bella will move to a new counselor that we’d briefly met and liked before.
The drive down kept triggering all those times I’d driven us there the past year. Grieving my twins. Announcing my pregnancy with Kaden. Heaving myself in and out of the car to get there and back.
I pulled up to the office and thought, “What the hell is going on? Why, oh why God, am I here again?”
Terribly enough, the same room I talked to the new play therapist in was the same that just 4 short months ago I’d hugged mine goodbye in. Same couch where she and I, both hugely pregnant, had laughed and talked about how far I’d come in the past year. She was going on maternity leave, I was getting ready to bring Kaden home. It was all settled. All done.
We’d made it.
So there I sat again, the new therapist asking about how Bella was doing (they all know our story), and what concerns I have. Like I said last time, I won’t get into details of Bella on here, but I’m more than happy to share about play therapy, how it works, how it helps, why we go. Playing for children is the same as talking for adults. They work out a lot of issues and feelings through organic play.
As sad as it is, it’s also incredibly comforting to know we can go back. This group knows so much about us, we even gave permission for the front staff to be told why we were back again. When we were waiting to hear about still moving to North Carolina, one of my concerns was that we’d have to start all over again with new therapists. Now we don’t.
We’ve become the therapy family. Sometimes that’s still a bit foreign and off-putting to me. I still want to end all of this with, “But not the crazy therapy kind,” and then I think:
- Who cares if it was?
- What the heck is crazy, really?
- It’s changed our lives.
What is almost surreal is looking back. Seeing the support systems that were put firmly in place after losing Julian and Preston. We thought it was just for them. Just to get us through. Just till Kaden was home.
Now I look back and see that so much of this was in place for the immense sorrow that was still to come.