I’m sitting right here as I type this out on my phone. Drinking coffee. Finishing such an amazing book. Avoiding eye contact with the clutter. Jynx is curled up next to me, we’ve talked about how tired he is lately. Our old kitty. Sam is asleep on the couch, Bella’s pink blanket tossed over him. She’s in her room, napping although I think she might still be awake talking “bery quietly to her animals.”
And I’m here. Pondering. Wondering what life will be like for us a month, 6 months, a year from now. What does God have in store? It’s slightly terrifying at this point. O_o
This isn’t what I thought my life would be. You know?
I feel calm and yet – halted. As if the pursuit of what I thought I’d need to have in my life (more children) has been put on hold in such a way that there is no other option for a while. We sprung into adoption so quickly after losing the boys. Got pregnant one month after the adoption fell through. Now the doors to more children are firmly shut for a while, and it leaves us to truly focus on our daughter, our marriage, our life. My writing. My faith. My God.
I don’t know what God has planned. I’ve heard many times that “something amazing is coming” for us, and I tend to think that way too. But this isn’t a movie. I have no guaranteed Hollywood ending, and longing for that makes me remember that many people would want so much what I have now. It’s hard to be thankful for earthly things though – when it’s compared with a loss of life. It might be easier if I’d really wanted a new car and instead got a bicycle.
To be thankful for what we have because part of it came from losing three sons?
That’s rough. It feels like I’ve cheapened their lives in a way to be thankful for earthly things like a house or great job. And yet I am thankful. I’m thankful their lives are part of our story and they mattered. I’m thankful that I get to share about them to a large audience. I’m thankful people loved them and us enough to want to help. I’m thankful for a community that sees them as more than a loss and us as more than “that poor family.” I’m thankful that I still can have my passion of writing in the midst of all this. I’m thankful for a husband, a daughter, a home, a family, and friends who get this as best as anyone humanly can. Still I wonder, “What if this is it? What if there is no more to our life?”
You might think, “That can’t be! God will bless you with _____” but y’all – did we ever think we’d be here again? No. That shakes my faith in the “good things to come” mantra. Good things were here. What else could compare to that?
Yet, in this season of wondering and waiting, God is teaching to be thankful in ways I don’t really want to be. To give a little more grace (this is hard). To lean on Him when I throw my hands up and say, “I don’t understand. I truly don’t. It all seems so unfair and awful. WHY ME?” He teaches me that it was always going to be me that had this life. And the life that is coming. Whatever that is, my story was written long before I pondered what it was going to be like to be 30. And it’s mine in a month or a year.
And it’s always been His too.
Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You